How to reduce contact with toxic sibling without NC

[ChristopherWren80]

Hello, I've come to the realisation that my sister and I dont get on, even as children. We are very different people. I find her to be toxic and I feel drained after seeing/talking to her.

Any advice on reducing contact without cutting off ties...? She expects a weekly call that I feel sick wiith dread when thinking about it. Sibling relationships shouldnt be this hard surely?

Bump

We have a similar situation with a family member due to toxic behaviour on her part. You don’t have to respond straight away to messages. Also, its not always convenient to make take a call if you’re busy and if you call just before you’re about to do something then it’s time limited.

In what way is she toxic, OP?

I had a terrible relationship with my older brother for decades. He constantly belittled people and dug into their insecurities in order to watch their discomfort and amuse himself and he really pissed everyone off massively.

In the end I had it with him and, when the opportunity came, I gave him a massive bollocking for his past behaviour. After that I suggested ways he could make things better, how he could work with his brothers and sisters to be part of a supportive family, rather than constantly sticking a spanner in the works. Combined with chidings from his wife and children, he has actually changed and has become human for the first time in his life. He even seems to be enjoying it. That was a couple of years ago now and I'm really hoping the change is permanent.

I think the issue was that he was able to get away with being toxic for so long because no one told him what a knob head he was being, so he kept being one.

@skippingthroughthedaisies yes that sounds good and very doable. The only thing is she will make me feel guilty for not giving her time. It doesnt matter that I work, look after my inlaws and have four kids. Im expected to listen and look after her. I just cant do it anymore. I feel sick at the thought of talking to her. I know it sounds extreme....I live in a different county and have such kind genuine friends. She brings nothing but grief.

It sounds like we have the exact same sister. Welcome to DM me for moral support, know the festive period can be hard with it

I feel she is toxic because....

She flies off the handle and lashes out...but cant handle it if anyone raises their voice to her.

She is judgemental, she will make snide remarks, comment on someone's weight, makeup, religion etc. Its just so jarring to hear.
I challenge her on every statement- in the past I would listen and block. But now with age I cant sit passively. So what if Sunak is a Hindu- as long as he does the job? So what if he is decorating Downing St with Diwali lights- its beautiful to see.

She moans about everything- is negative about everything. I really try to be positive and be grateful for what I have- its difficult because we have had a set back with my son, Ive had a redundancy, and problems with our property....my attitude is- lets look on thd bright side. Im not saying she has to be positive. But I cant shoulder her anymore. Its having a massive impact on my mental health. I feel like leaving the country because of her and thats just bonkers and not practical...

I could go on but I think you get the picture. Thank you for reading this far

I'd get a bit slack about the call, don't answer forget to call back etc. I tried to go low contact and it worked for a while until events made it impossible - I've now gone no contact, it hurt but it's better - a million times better.

@NCcaterpillar very kind of you. And vice versa, pls feel free to ofload.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

So the secret is to realise that she can’t MAKE you feel guilty.
Take back control and don’t give her the headspace otherwise she has the power. There’s no reason to feel guilty for not dancing to her tune. You have your own life to lead.

@Palacepicker thank you for your post and I am glad you are in a better place.

@Handyweatherstation so lovely to hear that your brother managed to turn things around.

I think I realised after a long time - too long that I couldn't change things, I had to agree or risk being punished in some way - so I stopped saying yes, I stopped agreeing just to be nice - the inevitable happened, my opinion was worth nothing, I only had value when I agreed. One of these days my mum will die (I'm still in contact but I live overseas) and I will find out via facebook - that's the price I will pay. It's still worth it.

*she will make me feel guilty
*

She can try, but ultimately this is down to you. Something needs to change in order for you to feel differently, and refusing to feel guilty is the key to shifting things along.

I agree - you can only change you - you can't change her.