What is the right thing to do here?

[KateBalesCardi]

DM is 70 and usually in fairly good health but came down with something nasty (possibly flu) yesterday. She fainted yesterday afternoon, sounded awful and has slept most of the time since then according to my dad. He is useless, doesn't help much around the house or with their pets and has, during past occasions when DM has been ill, expected/allowed her to do far too much.

I rang this afternoon to see how she is and DF answered, said DM had been downstairs for a little while and 'done some pottering about' (which probably means she felt forced to come down to feed and take care of the animals because she couldn't trust him to do it) and has now gone back to bed. He said he didn't know whether she'd had anything to eat or drink (!!) and seemed to think she was better today because she hadn't fainted again, despite the fact that her going back to bed is incredibly unusual for her even when ill (she's the stoic sort) and knowing her she came down, did the bare essentials and then got herself back to bed before she actually did faint again.

So now to my question, my gut is screaming at me to go and take care of her but I don't know whether it's the right thing to do. I'm alone here (DH away for work) with DD(13) who is autistic and couldn't really be left for extended periods, I also have pets to look after. DF would likely not be pleased at me turning up and would take it as an insult despite him being clearly crap at looking after her. We're supposed to be at the in-laws (also in their 70's) for Christmas too so I'm concerned about ruining that for them and DH/DD if I put myself and/or DD in the firing line to catch whatever DM has, or potentially passing it on to PIL if we happen to be incubating but not actually ill by the time Sunday comes round.

If I could speak to DM myself it wouldn't be so bad as I could at least assess how she sounds myself instead of having to trust DF's word, but I also don't want to disturb her if she's sleeping so don't want to keep ringing. It wouldn't be uncomplicated for me to get to them (no car) but I could probably leave DD long enough to get there and back to check on DM, not sure what I'd do if I get there and she needs me to stay though, DD and pets would need me back. I don't know what to do for the best.

You need to put a rocket under your DF assuming he doesn’t have any mental or physical disabilities?
He needs to be caring for his wife; I would tell him so in no uncertain terms.

I have to agree. What have you actually said to him? Some pointed questions might be enough as it sounds like he'll sulk if you go nuclear and shout at him.

"Have you brought her up a cup of tea/some soup? No? Why not? Have you fed the pets? Why haven't you? I'm sure you've managed to feed yourself...?'

Why you haven't read your father the riot act is beyond me. You enable him as much as your mother does.

The second I opened my mouth he would hang up on me and not answer further calls, he doesn't take kindly to females questioning him 🙄 I was a bit panicked when I posted but have since enlisted DB and he has read the suggested riot act to DF (who is actually SDF which makes things that bit more tricky) as he is male and so is allowed a voice.

Don't get me started on the fucked up dynamic here, DB and I have been trying to extricate DM from the useless bastard for years to no avail. DB insisted on speaking to DM and said she sounds rough but not worryingly so, he thinks it's just a bad cold but can be there to check on her tomorrow morning so will know more when he's seen her. She hadn't eaten but has been drinking water and DB has managed to get UB (useless bastard) to make her some soup now.

I can be a bit more pushy now DB has stepped in, UB will know he can't just dismiss me so will be ringing again this evening and will get a proper view of how she is from DB when he's seen her in the morning. If she's no better or worse I will be going over at that point to look after her, it makes me so angry that he can't even do that for her. And please don't say I enable him, I do as much as DM will allow about the way he treats her.

Ambulance clinician here- Has your mum had medical treatment for this. Fainting is not really normal and either hints towards low oxygen levels or low blood pressure- either of which can show a concern. At 70, unfortunately she is becoming more susceptible to injury and advancing illnesses. It may be worth ensuring she is checked over if she hasn’t been already.

that said, dad definitely needs a rocket up his arse. It is not okay for her to have to pick up the slack when she is already unwell and dad needs to start doing something and let her rest, otherwise I think unfortunately I would potentially be getting involved.

Hope she’s better soon and wishing you and your family a lovely Christmas (if you celebrate!)