Toxic sibling.. how do I handle?

[ConfusedMumma99]

Hello,

Hoping for some advice on how to reply to this message.

Some background:
DS has 3 children, all of whom I have been very active in their lives including Buying gifts at birthdays/ Xmas etc. DS lives approx. 5 hour drive away.

Myself and DS have always had a strained relationship but I have made effort for the sake of our parents & her children.

I had my first child in April this year. I didn’t receive a congratulations text, card, anything. 3 days after returning home after daughter was born my sister was visiting our parents (unrelated to me having baby as she was premature). I received a message from sister say her children wanted to meet my baby (no congratulations) I said sorry we are very overwhelmed at the moment and we just wanted time as a family. I thought she’d understand by having 3 kids. Never received a response but parents text separately saying she was pissed off.

Have not heard from sister since. I have sent her children birthday gifts & no thanks received.

It is now Christmas and this year we are spending with DP family & my sister has come down for Christmas at my parents.

I have received a text from my sister asking what day her children can meet my child. I am honestly astonished I have had no contact whatsoever, to now this. I don’t want to facilitate this meet, my sisters behaviour has always been toxic & I’ve always looked past it for the sake of her children. Now she’s not given 1 crap about my child, I have no time for her.

On one hand I do feel sorry for my parents, however they have always enabled this behaviour from my sister. My sister has no relationship with any extended family due to her toxic behaviour. I also do feel so sympathy for her children, but again they are not my responsibility… if she wanted them to have a relationship with their cousin it’s on her as their mother to ensure that happens.

Do I;
A) not respond
B) say no and detailing why. You’ve made no effort etc
C) say no but make out it’s because I’m busy. (Potentially avoiding argument)

Just say that you’ve made plans over the Christmas Period and you won’t have time unfortunately. If she continues to persist, you could highlight your true feelings..

I don't have any answer but I had a similar problem with my own sister. When I had my first child, she didn't contact me for months. There wasn't any reason but it was very hurtful. I'd do C but the right thing to do is B.

Will you be home or away at your PIL?

Ask if she wants to make plans for eg January so the DC can meet each other? TBH the whole request is like this is her making an effort for her DC, because it sounds like she couldn't care less about meeting you all herself.

I have a family similar to this, they do the bare minimum perhaps out of "duty", managing to issue invites and host events whilst simultaneously ignoring you, then act like they've done a massive favour and it's fine. If something involves putting themselves out in any way, it just doesn't happen.

Have a think about how you want things to be going forward. One meet-up which won't mean a huge amount to her DC and yours won't remember, isn't going to cause problems. But if you do go NC in the future and your DC have a good relationship with their cousins that's going to be hard on them. So if that's a possibility, maybe best for them not getting to know each other.

How old are her DC? You obviously have a good relationship with them yourself. You could continue to send Christmas and birthday cards/present and the occasional meeting at family gatherings but slow fade out from all their lives and once the DC are adults you could remain in contact with them separately without having to be in contact with other family members.

I wouldn't put up with your parents enabling it. They shouldn't have passed on the message that she was pissed off, whether she asked them to or not, that's very manipulate of them. Don't feel sorry for your parents, they're part of the problem.

Unfortunately NC is really the only effective and stress free way of dealing with toxic people. You either choose to remain part of the dysfunctional family dynamics and have these people in your life or you give yourself the gift of peace and go NC.

Personally I think you could gave ket your sister and children pop in for an hour. Bearing in mind your baby is the childrens cousin, plus the fact they live 5 hours away.
Is there more to your relationship with your sister, and is it entirely so one sided.

@Rubyupbeat i disagree. My baby was 4lb and had spent 3 weeks in NICU. If after 3 days I didn’t want any visitors, especially children who harbour germs… I think that’s pretty reasonable. You’d think of my sibling also being a mother she’d understand my worries????