Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Smacking

26 replies

365million · 19/12/2022 00:03

DD (12) has come home from ExH this evening in tears. His mum (DDs nan) has smacked her repeatedly with a shoe. I'm absolutely furious.

I should preface this with saying neither of my DDs like their nan, and I don't either. I've always been positive about her to the children and never entertained when they tell me things their nan says (she's manipulative) but they have made up their own minds, which is fair enough. DD12 is quite open in her dislike, which I often have to ask her not to do; whilst DD11 doesn't want the hassle so is quietly scathing. Due to this DD12 and nan have a fraught relationship.

This evening the two DDs were arguing and DD11 threw a shoe at her sister, then DD12 picked it up and hit DD11 with said shoe. According to the children, nan grabbed the shoe and started hitting DD12 with it across the arms and hands, which DD had raised to protect her face. Nan was saying something along the lines of 'see how you like it'

I'm absolutely horrified someone hit my child and DD never wants to go back to her dads (he lives with his mum)

EXH is downplaying the situation in a big way, saying his mum was under pressure and the girls are difficult, which admittedly they can be, but there's no excuse as far as I'm concerned.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:
Tukmgru · 19/12/2022 00:07

It’s child abuse. If he lives with her then you’ll have to tell him he can only see his kids when she’s not there, or if it’s being supervised. Or he can kick her to the curb.

He should be as pissed off as you are.

Alternative is the next time the grandmother does something that annoys you, hit her and see if she understands that it’s wrong when it’s her being attacked.

Puppers · 19/12/2022 00:11

I would report to social services and not send my children back to that house. I would offer exH contact in my home but, given his minimisation of the assault and therefore the likelihood that he would place the children at further risk, I would not allow him to take the children out of my house.

You need legal advice really, OP.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/12/2022 00:11

This is fucking ridiculous. I’m assuming a troll or reverse. I know troll hunting is against the rules, but seriously, if an adult came up to any other adult and gave them a full on beating with a shoe, wtf would you do?

Original poster
365million · 19/12/2022 00:16

No not a troll. Just wondering what to do as I don't want the children to not see dad, but him living with her muddies that. If they didn't live together it would be a lot clearer cut.

I'm also feeling really angry so want to make sure I don't overreact, which I don't think I am.

Do I stop her seeing the one DD or all three? (I also have a 7yo who I haven't mentioned as she wasn't involved in the incident.)

My friend who was here when DDs came home thinks I call the police too, I'm so upset, angry, and confused.

OP posts:
FlatWhite2 · 19/12/2022 01:25

so sorry this is happening to you. It’s so important your daughter sees your reaction to this. Show her how much stronger her mother is than her horrible grandmother. Show her how unacceptable this is and how you’re there to protect her. Never allow her near them again.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/12/2022 01:29

That's assault. You should report to the police.

formulatingAresponse · 19/12/2022 01:29

Call SS and the police and get a restraining order so she's not allowed near your DC

I wouldn't tolerate this at all

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/12/2022 01:30

And no they can't go back to that house again. GP assaulted her and Dad failed to protect her.

formulatingAresponse · 19/12/2022 01:33

Absolutely no way would she she ever be going near my DC again no matter what excuse or how many times she apologises

Your exh condoning it means they're not ever going to be safe around her. And he's bloody useless for allowing it so no I'd allow them near either of them for a while

Original poster
365million · 19/12/2022 08:11

This is where I am at too. I'm so glad you all agree. My mum is coming over today to discuss with me, I'm so upset by this

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 19/12/2022 08:13

I would report to the police

upfucked · 19/12/2022 08:14

Call the police. Using an item to repeatedly hit someone is illegal.

bellac11 · 19/12/2022 08:16

Its an assault OP

The law is clear. A smack can be used for reasonable chastisement but it comes away from that if a mark is left or an implement is used to hit the child

Whether your child wants to take it further with a statement is up to her but I would absolutely report it.

SnoozyLucy7 · 19/12/2022 08:40

Not acceptable! Please don’t send them back there. Some people still have an old world mentality and think it’s fine to beat children with what ever comes to end. How dare she! And the fact that their dad is not really responding to this, appropriately, makes him complicit!

Ihatethenewlook · 21/12/2022 15:10

Did you phone the police on this piece of shit op?

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 15:24

bellac11 · 19/12/2022 08:16

Its an assault OP

The law is clear. A smack can be used for reasonable chastisement but it comes away from that if a mark is left or an implement is used to hit the child

Whether your child wants to take it further with a statement is up to her but I would absolutely report it.

Not even for "reasonable chastisement" in Scotland, not sure about NI and Wales.

SinnerBoy · 21/12/2022 15:50

bellac11

The law is clear. A smack can be used for reasonable chastisement but it comes away from that if a mark is left or an implement is used to hit the child

That's exactly what I understand it to be. Take photos of any marks and bruises, then call the Police, to report it as an assault.

How is your ex likely to take it? Will he go mad at you? If so, tell the Police that and they can warn him not to make any threats, or to assault you.

bellac11 · 21/12/2022 16:25

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 15:24

Not even for "reasonable chastisement" in Scotland, not sure about NI and Wales.

Show quote history

I can only answer for England as thats where I am.

latetothefisting · 21/12/2022 17:45

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 15:24

Not even for "reasonable chastisement" in Scotland, not sure about NI and Wales.

Show quote history

Smacking (at all) is illegal in Wales too. I know not relevant to you OP but just to put into context that the police and social services should hopefully take it seriously.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 21/12/2022 17:59

Tempted as I would be to take my own shoe to that woman I would report her instead. I am in Ireland where hitting a child a slap is illegal and hitting with a shoe is downright abuse. Bitch.

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/12/2022 18:00

The defence of smacking is usually that it's for children who are too young to understand if you told them or explained, and for occasions when they are putting themselves at risk, like running out into the road. Absolutely not for beating a 12 year old who is being annoying

Notaligned · 21/12/2022 18:02

If it was you who had been assaulted what would you do? I'd call the police if it was me. And given my child is the most precious person in the world to me, who I value more than myself - I think he deserves protection, support and backing. I'd call the police, report the assault and make sure my child knew that they would never have to visit their attacker again.

You have to do what feels right to you and your daughter - it's a tough situation but your loyalty is always to your child first.

JubileeTrifle · 21/12/2022 18:05

Assault. DH was hit with slippers and spoons and things growing up.
Luckily his mother understood that wouldn’t tolerated with grandchildren.

Topseyt123 · 21/12/2022 18:14

Don't make them go back. They should not be forced to visit someone who has attacked them.

If your ex is desperate then perhaps some type of supervised access could be arranged, but for him alone and not in his mother's house. Do you trust him around them though, given that he totally failed to protect them and has been minimising the incident.

aoibhacado · 21/12/2022 18:18

GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.