Does anyone else just…hate themselves?

[PotatoScone1]

Just this really. i need to change my life. I don’t know where to start.

I am 37 years old. Two lovely kids, 8 and 6. Happily married, full time job (from home), decent pay that fits well around the kids.

On paper it’s all great but inside I am finding things difficult. I don’t want this to sound like a pity party but I don’t really feel like opening up in real life. I don’t know how common it is to feel this way. I don’t really know where to start.

I feel like I have lost all my confidence. I can’t drive in new places any more. I hate going out and when I do I drink too much and have the fear/depression for days afterwards. i am also overweight with rosacea and it’s so hard to find decent clothes and I always feel so ugly. I also have endometriosis which is just constantly pulling me down. I’m due an op to have it removed but who knows when that’ll happen.

i have a gym membership but I’m lacking the confidence to go. I hide behind the kids and not having time but that’s not true really. I don’t have many friends (im losing the ones I have) and I always feel like people are laughing at me and that no one really likes me (but I don’t really know why I feel that way - my husband says this is in my head but he would say that I guess).

I try to be upbeat and happy, I don’t let any of this show. but really my kids and my job are my whole life and I hide behind them.

i want to go teetotal from January. This sounds nuts but again I don’t really know how. I’m worried it will Make me dull (because while I don’t drink huge amounts generally I find it really helps me in a social situation).

I’m just such a mess.

I hear you and I feel very similar. I’m having counselling at the moment and it helps.

I have Rosacea - my face is always red and gets worse the warmer I get. I wear a green primer then ordinary foundation. If your skin is spotty/bumpy, get effective treatment from the GP/Dermatologist (mine is clear and smooth but I had Roaccutane a few times, years ago)

I'm the fattest I've ever been. I'm simply wearing bigger clothes until after Christmas, and then I plan to do SlimFast of Cambridge diet (done both before). I go to aqua aerobics - there's my walk of shame in a swimsuit, but the class is all women, and some there are bigger than me. Nobody really takes any notice of how anyone looks. The good thing is that the exercise is in water, obviously, so there's no getting out of breath and sweaty like with any other exercise.

It used to be bumpy and spotty but I found a cream
with azaleic acid really helped that. It’s still very red though. Smooth, but red. I feel like everyone must be staring at it and thinking I’m a mad alcoholic.

OP - I wanted to reach out and say I could have written this, word for word, and I totally empathise. Actually gasped when you mentioned rosacea as I have just developed this recently. Bar the ages of my kids (two under 5) I’m in such a similar predicament.

I don’t know if this will help you at all but I’ve been thinking about how to address all of these issues (and more) and I always find that if I don’t plan for things then nothing about my life changes. I’ve bought myself a huge diary and before the end of the year I plan to sit down with it and go through it methodically - booking in time for me wherever possible, writing in when I’m going to the gym, even down to reminders to eat certain foods, replenish vitamins and supplements, charge various electrical gizmos that make my life better (toothbrush, facial cleanser/toner, waterpik flosser). Maybe that sounds bonkers - but I feel like I’ve been living in a fog since my eldest was born. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognise myself. I owe it to myself and my family to take better care of myself and this year I’m determined to make the most of myself.

I feel like I’ve been living in a fog since my eldest was born. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognise myself

this is it exactly. I used to be fun and outgoing. I used to be attractive and groomed. It all feels like a massive uphill struggle now

Love the idea of a big planner/diary though.

Sad read :(

I think I felt just like this when my children were younger, tough times.

I LOVE the diary idea. It’s so important not to lose yourself. Make time, focus on one thing at a time. Best brows, best shiny hair, best manicure

if the gym is an uncomfortable place, find a small yoga class, or start walking for an hour early in the morning, stick in the headphones and listen to an uplifting podcast?

for me, it was stopping alcohol and a dose of the happy pills. It took a while, and I’m not entirely sure when the shift happened, but I got through it after a tough few years.

happy mum, happy kids and all that

make it happen, life is too short to be unhappy.

I wonder if you need to do something just for you, that makes you feel good. There is so much pressure and even "looking after ourselves" can feel awfully dutiful or like another pressure, rather than a pleasure, which is odd really when you think about it. A lot of this post seems to centre on appearances and the replies are about diets and booking in gym time etc. Not saying you shouldn't do that as gym etc could make you feel brilliant. But life is for living now and it sounds like your mood is a bit low for whatever reason or perhaps you are feeling anxious. Building confidence is also about doing things. Would it be worth thinking about trying doing one thing that's a bit out of your comfort zone? Joining a class, a new group or maybe doing something creative (learning a new skill) or doing something weekly out of doors (volunteer with community gardens maybe or joining a local walking group?). The outdoors, doing things with your hands and making things or growing things can use a different part of the brain which can be calming and also satisfying to help build confidence. If not outside (too cold!) then maybe learning a dance form? Something that isn't just a "gym session" but that develops and changes? Do you have any interests from the past or hobbies that you can look to see if there are ways of developing?

I’ve got to go and do the tea bath bed marathon right now but I will pop back later. You’ve got this OP - I believe it’s all doable!

You don’t need to go to the gym. Find something you enjoy that gets you moving. For me, it’s a long morning walk with my toddler and then an hour or so of Just Dance. Make exercise fun and you’re more likely to stick to it. I’d definitely say go for it with the tee total thing, even if just for the month of January.

I did this two years ago, before I had my son. I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol, strictly water and the odd black coffee when I needed a boost. I also went Vegan and exercised a little each day. I told myself, it’s just one month and then I can do what I want. But by the end of that month I had lost almost a stone, felt so much better in myself mentally and didn’t want to stop.

Don’t hate yourself, and don’t push yourself to change too much at once, it won’t work.

Thank you x

Just wanted to say I hear you x

Hope things improve soon, lots of good advice already on this thread

Thank you.

I’m just exhausted.

Good advice here I think OP.

I don’t drink or smoke but I do eat too much - takeaways, big portions, too many sugary treats. Sugar is my downfall - and I use food to celebrate and as stress and boredom relief and well, for any reason at all.

I joined a gym earlier this year, went consistently for 12 weeks and lost half a stone - so I know it can be done. Unfortunately the 12 week mark was around the time the kids stopped reliably going to sleep on time so the gym fell by the wayside. One thing I’ve done in preparation for the new year is buy some new swimsuits as I feel more interested in doing exercise if I look good (well, not ‘good’ but at least ‘the part’) while doing it. I’m also buying a new gym bag which I plan to pack and keep by the door so every other evening (DH and I take the bedtime routine in turns) I can be out of the door and off to swim in minutes.

I really believe it’s all in the planning. Everyone else in my house has their diaries planned except me! I’ve missed opportunities by not being prepared.

Also - I wrote this out a while ago and by and large I’m sticking to it. It just helps me to feel like I’m not just mindlessly going through the day and not taking care of myself because I’m so busy. That breakfast really fills me up, and I’m hoping that as I keep repeating these routines they just become unconscious habit.

You’re so far from a mess its crazy! you have a solid marriage, two great kids, and a decent job - i dont mean to belittle your pain, i just mean to point out that youve already accomplished so much and proved yourself capable of accomplishing things. you are loved and loving, thats a great start.

As for things to do to change your disposition and how you feel about your life if bot your life itself, a few thibgs:

• you work from home? that’s nice in some ways (no commute, can spend more time with the kids etc.), but in my own experience it also caused me to gain weight and become lonelier and more anxious - having a work/home divide can be a good thing for novelty, socializing and remind you who you are in different contexts plus it forces you to go out and be in front of people when it sounds like youre afraid to. Could you start going into your place of work some days? if not, could you join a co-working space or work from a cafe or library sometimes? the less time you spend out in the world the scarier it seems
• quitting drinking was the best thing ive done for myself, cant recommend it enough
• . gaining weight and changing skin are so hard on one’s confidence, i was diagnosed with PCOS this year and mourn how much better i looked even a year or two ago. only things that have helped at all have been buying nice, larger clothes (nothing feels worse than bulging out of my skinny clothes) and putting even a little makeup on each day. also you work from home so i expect you have to do zoom calls regularly. do yourself a favour and turn off self view when you can- nobody should be staring at themself in a camera all day, not good for the soul
• exercise is essential for improving how you feel in your body but not for changing how you look - i agree with others here who say find something active you enjoy, dont just go to the gym and workout it will feel like punishment and make you hate yourself more for being bad at it/not keeping it up.
• you may very well have become less good looking by some metric, id just ask that you consider that its ok and not something to be ashamed of.

If nothing else, try to not use such harsh words when describing yourself. these things dont help and really affect us <3

also…if u havent had one in a while getting a nice haircut can really do wonders for fresh self confidence. treat yourself like you like yourself even when you dont.

How are things now @PotatoScone1 Hope you're doing well.