How do I say no /make it fair

[Fitinthebox]

My relationship is a bit complicated.. we are separated but also together. We don't live together. But still have a sort of relationship. We go out for meals, days out. We have 2 children together. He stays over sometimes. This works well for me.

But he used to have the kids Friday to Sunday bring them back around 4pm. For the past couple of months he's been picking them up on Saturday morning around 9.am/9.30. Then he brings them back Sunday around 4pm. The reason for this is his work van was changed to a smaller one meaning it can only take him and one passenger. But the old one took him and 2 passengers. In the past he sometimes used to take his car to work on the Friday so he can pick the boys up Friday after work. But now he has a new car and he does not want to drive it up the rough/dirt track. Meaning he's still picking up the boys on the Saturday instead of the Friday.

The kids do not really understand. They just know dad picks them up they have a sleep over do fun stuff with dad and come back home.

Oh I should add that it's every other weekend he has them and on the weekend he does not have then over night he just has them on the Sunday for a few hours.

Xmas arrangement is that kids dad is sleeping over Xmas eve spending Xmas day with us till midday then he's going to him mums. Then he has a bit of time of work and he wants to spend a few days here with us altogether.

The thing is I find it hard to say no. As much as he's not a horrible person. He does love the kids and me. But when he's here I feel like I have an extra child. His mum does ( everything) for him . So when he's here he's expecting Me to be like his mum. In several years he's not worked out that does not happen here . But i get the vibe and body language that gives of look after me vibe. And it pisses me of I feel like everything is put onto me.

So I want him to start picking the kids up on a Friday like he used to . And I dont want him staying for a few days after Xmas. I don't mind him staying for 1 night during his time of. If he wants more time with the boys then maybe he could take them to his for a couple of extra nights. But also he thinks that he's being kind by wanting to spend time with us as a whole family.

Sorry this post is not clear at all . I'm trying to say that he sometimes let's the boys down even though thru don't know.
Also for me I get less break and end uo playing mum to him.
But also he thinks everything is OK and that he's being kind by wanting to spend family together. And I don't want to dash his feelings either

I do have other children besides his 2 .

How do get things on track so everyone is happy without hurting people's feelings?

Do you have a car that you could drive down the track (which I assume leads to your house) to deliver the boys to him on Friday evening to spare his precious car?

So he prefers to avoid getting his new car dirty than spend time with his children? What a prince he is!

It sounds like you have an extra child to deal with. Why are you putting up with these? Stop being so soft. I have no idea how you can find this attractive nor do I understand why you would want this as a role model for your children.

Sorry I should have Been clear. The dirt track is at his work . Which is why he does not want to take the car to work.

Definitely seems that way.

And yes I know I have been a prick. Probably by being to soft. I actually get pissed of with myself for being this way. But yes maybe I just need to take a breath and just say how it is

Just to add though the kids are opposite to him. They do things for themselves. Help out a bit etc.

Have you actually told him?
If not, why not?
Be clear
I need you to pick up the boys on Friday please as I have plans.
I can only host you for one night over Xmas.

If you keep being passive, he will assume all is OK.

I guess I'm not always clear because I feel guilty. I say things like let's see how it gos.

With the picking up Saturday instead of Friday i feel selfish because I'm not actually doing anything. I'm literally sitting on my butt. He knows I just Potter about put a wash on. That's about it on a Friday.

Are you just hanging round together or are you actually in a couple? I think if you are no longer a couple, you need to draw a firmer line. If you are still a couple then this explains it.

On Friday evenings he should be perfectly capable of driving his van home from work, then driving to yours and collect the kids in his car. He should also be capable of arranging a work van with the right number of seats, but the current arrangement works for him, so why would he bother?

Don't make life easy for him any more.

To be fair he cant just demand what van he wants to use at work . He has no choice in that.

He would have to drive 90 min home to get the car. 90 min to my house . 90 min back to his. So that's 4.5 hrs driving. But I can't see a reason that he can't just take him car to work on a Friday like he used to.

I do agree though . I thought I was being kind ny being flexible. But it seems to be one sided.

He knew he had kids and a dirt track to work when he bought his new car. But he prioritised his car choice over spending time with his kids. That's what kind of man their father is. Stop facilitating him.

But he isn't having his sons for your benefit, it's for theirs surely. So it doesn't matter what you are/aren't doing.
Get him told, he's not doing you favours by parenting his own children and spending time with them, and he's not being kind or good to you by treating you like his mum running a hotel for his convenience!
Is he under the impression that you would be "lost without him" or something ?

Everything you is very true. I think I have been seeing it from the wrong angle. I saw it that the kids don't know as they don't understand I have always made sure I don't tell them of any sort of pattern so thry have no expectations that way they are not let down
But actually he is letting them down even if they don't know.

He should not think i would be lost without him. As its me who put distance in our relationship. I told him about 9 month maybe a year ago that I needed some space.

When you say you are “ together “ do you mean

• you have a sexual relationship
• he sleeps over at hours when it suits him
• you don’t date anyone else
• you facilitate his parenting by having joint days out together, Birthdays, Christmas etc
• you buys all toys and clothes for the children and send them to his house

But he

• only has to parent his kids 4 nights a month ( now 2 nights )
• doesn’t have to have clothes and toys for the boys at at his house
• doesn’t have to pay for childcare
• doesn’t do any of the grunt work of parenting
• gets to come to yours for a booty call when it suits him
• has 28 nights a month free for his own social life

I can see why he likes this arrangement but I’m not sure why it’s a good deal for you. Next thing you will be telling us that he doesn’t pay child support for his kids because you are “ together”.

We do have a sexual relationship. Although that part is on my terms. Probably do the deed once a month/every 6 weeks.

He does seem to sleep hours when suits him. But I think that's because I don't actually ask him.

I don't date anyone else neither does he.

None of us pay childcare.

Patenting: he's a Disney dad. Does all the good bits. When at his place his mum does the washing , meals etc .

The days out /meals facilties time we both tend to do. Although we both do it he probably suggests it more than I do. And he does pay for the brunt of it.

He does have toys and clothes at his house.

He does pay for them. He's quite good with money side of things to be honest.

He does have a kind side. a couple of examples are. When my daughters phone broke he replaced it for her. She sometimes wants to go to his house with her younger brothers and he let's her .