Who wants some shit jokes?

[FuckConvoGiveMeAForest]

I dated an electrician last week... there was no spark.

I fell in love with my best friend but he was a butcher. There was too much at steak.

Some guy took me to the zoo on a first date. I was like mate, are you having a giraffe?!

Shagged a paramedic and he asked me what I'd give him out of 10. I was like 999...

That air traffic controller can fuck right off. He said I was a Plane Jane

I'm now seeing a train driver. Not sure where it's going but we're on the right track 😃

Brilliant!!

That accountant was rather calculating

How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pan’ten.

I used to date a librarian, but now I am back on the shelf

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Becsuse 7, 8, 9

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One is assaulted.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

I visited the zoo the other day, but they only had one animal, a small dog.

It was a shih-tzu.

a two parter:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the idiot’s house.
knock knock
<who’s there?>
The chicken

How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pockets and tickle its balls.

Oof

There were actual tears of rage in our house when this aired for the first time. Proceed with caution….

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No! You're a poo!

Why did the Baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

Told my mum I was going to make a bike made out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face as I rode straight pasta.

Why does a duck have feathers? To cover his butt quack

I ordered a copy of 'How to Communicate With Deaf People' from Amazon, when the delivery man asked me to sign for it I thought, "Give us a chance, I’ve not even bloody read it yet!"

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities, he published it in two different newspapers?

It was the Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.

I hear that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer are merging early next year.

It will be rebranded as Stretchmarks.

I used to love playing sandcastles with my granddad.

Until mum said to put him back in the urn...