Unstable father seeking contact via solicitor

[JLife]

I really really need some reassurance and advise. Today I received a solicitor letter saying that the father of my 8 month old son wants contact. He's seen my son twice when he was 1 week old. When I was 9 months pregnant he stood on top of a bridge as if he was going to jump, filmed it and sent it to me and his 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. This isn't the first time he's threatened to take his own life when things haven't gone his way. Long story short - I don't want my son having anything to do with him, he's unstable and abusive. He hit his wife Infront of their two daughters. I've never been in a relationship with him, infact I caught pregnant with my son while he was still married (I didn't know this). He's damaged his other two children and I simply won't allow him the opportunity to damage mine. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do about the solicitors letter? What if he takes me to court? He's not on the birth certificate, he's never paid a penny towards my son and the police have told him not to contact me because he was harassing me. He's completely obsessed with me and I'm pretty sure the only reason he's pursuing my son now is to get to me. He was extremely inappropriate the last time I seen him (when my son was a week old) I pulled out my breast to feed my son and he was grunting at me. I explained over and over that he was making me feel uncomfortable but he wouldn't stop. I felt like I had no choice but to cut him out completely. I really have no idea how far he's willing to go but I know 100% that my son would not be safe in his care.

It's ok to ignore the solicitor's letter. Solicitors will write what you ask them to write regardless of the law or circumstances.
If he wants contact then the procedure would be he gets added to the birth certificate then applies for a Child Arrangement Order. He shouldn't have a problem with the first bit as DNA would prove that he was the dad. The CAO costs £210 iirc and usually there is mediation first but clearly this is inappropriate for your case. I agree that he doesn't sound suitable for unsupervised contact and I hope that the law protects your child. You need to contact a lawyer if he applies for a Child Arrangement Order but having read my fair share of threads on here, if he got any contact it would be supervised at a Contact Centre at first.

Thanks for your reply PeekAtYou. Is there anything I can do to prevent this? I need to prove he's an unfit parent. The thought of him having any contact at all whether it's supervised or not makes my stomach turn. I just know he would damage my son, the mind games he would play etc omg it makes me feel sick even to think about it. I don't want him added to the birth certificate. What steps can I take to make this impossible for him?

Probably not that easy for you, but have you thought of moving away?

Coyoacan yes I have thought about it. The best outcome would be for a judge to agree that he's unfit and grant him nothing. I just need to be able to prove this. I have the video of his suicide threat saved and messages off his wife telling me that their 10 year old daughter watched it. His other two children want nothing to do with him after watching him abuse their mother so now he's completely focused on my child.

You're not going to like this, but regardless of his mental health, if he takes you court, he is likely to get supervised access. However, due to how unstable he is, the likelihood of him taking you court and properly pursuing it is unlikely. Ignore all solicitors letters and move away if you are able.

Can he force a dna test if you say he isn’t the father? I’m not sure how the law works? How likely is he to follow?

Have you done a Clare's Law check? It will tell you if he has a history of domestic violence, which would be a reason to object to direct contact, or at least have it supervised.

If you are convinced that he's demanding access to get access to you, can you get your mum or sister/friend to do any future handovers. If so, he may lose interest

If he's not on the birth certificate, can't you simply reply that he's not the father?

I will refuse a DNA test for as long as I can. I want to make this impossible for him. The safety of my child is paramount. I don't condone keeping a father from a child (I had the best relationship with my dad growing up and it's so important) but in this case there is absolutely no way on earth I would allow my child near him. I could say that he's not the father yes but he would probably demand a DNA then. God knows how long all of this would take. He's hell bent on making my life hell to be honest. The police phone'd me after I requested a claires law check and told me I wouldn't be able to have it because I wasn't in a relationship with him. I KNOW that he was abusive towards his ex though because he actually admitted it to me when I confronted him.

From someone that has gone through this stuff. Move. Womans aid will help you in this situation. Change names if needs be.

I appreciate your concerns but if he is the father (sounds certain that he is!) then he will get on the birth certificate if he applies to court for it. The court will order a DNA and if you try to refuse it you'll be blocking a court process. That wouldn't look favourable on you!

In terms of contact the court will consider all the facts and place the child's best interests as the paramount consideration. If he is a danger to your child then he won't have unsupervised contact. I would say that it's rare though that supervised contact is completely denied.

As other PPs suggested you could move. Whilst he isn't on the birth certificate he has no say in where you live, schools, medical care etc but that will change if he pursues parental responsibility.

Does he have any contact with his other children?
No way would I let someone like this near my child
I agree with other pp, get help from women's aid, move away if possible and change your name.

I wouldn’t trust the family courts to be honest. I’d recommend watching videos by Samantha Baldwin as she’s been a victim of the family courts by trying to keep an abusive ex away from her kids. She had evidence of abuse and they gave him custody. They can be very sinister.

It's tricky because the courts still largely believe that a relationship with both mother and father is in the child's best interest so will overlook issues including domestic violence in some circumstances to try and achieve it.

They are also considering parental alienation more and more as having a damaging impact on the child (caused by the parent complicit in the alienation) which has led to the alienated parents having more contact.

Yes I understand that but in this case I truly believe that it would be more damaging to my son to have contact with him giving the fact that he's damaged his other two children so badly. I mean who sends a video of themselves threatening suicide to a 10 year old? He's not capable of being a good father which he's already proven. I honestly don't think my child would be safe in his care. He told me he threatened suicide because I refused to see him when I was pregnant so I asked him why he did it and he said it was to get a reaction out of me so I asked him "how do I know you won't do that when you have my child in your arms" his response was "you'll never know will you" I genuinely think he would put my son's life in danger just to punish me for not wanting to be with him.

They’re still very unlikely to not allow custody over that. You really need to research the family courts.

I agree with other posters, move away as quickly and quietly as you can. Change your name and generally make it as difficult as possible to find you.
Only tell trusted people where you are going (how many times do we hear about grandparents telling the father things they don't need to know as the didn't like 'lying' to them).
It will be hard but the vast amount of shit head men that are allowed contact with their children in this country astounds me! The family courts are heavily invested in 'contact at all costs' for men and rarely seem to have the interests of actual children at heart.

Georgeakitchen his other children want nothing to do with him after witnessing him strangle their mother. I think this is why he's pursuing my son now.

You really need to move away. Please don't rely on courts to keep your child safe and away from him. They won't. Convicted murderers get access to their children, it is very rare for a court not to grant some kind of access. Best you can do is put as many obstacles in the way as possible and hope he gives up.

Stressfordays thank you. The system is an absolute joke isn't it.