How to handle when someone cannot take feedback....

[ShellDove]

DM staying with us for extended period of time. Love her but she cannot take any feedback. No matter how small.

I have tried different ways to give feedback or tell her something. E.g. can be as simple as 'oh just so you know, we use this setting for dishwasher'

she will accuse me of attacking. Or sarcastically say SORRY . Up to the extremes of dramatically saying she won't help anymore or remind me of all the things I did wrong at home growing up(as a child!)

It's grating on me.

How would you handle?

I need to be able to tell her stuff but she just doesn't listen without a comeback and then doesn't actually take on what I've said anyway! Unless I snap about it and don't want to be snapping over Christmas......

Have you heard of the grey rock technique? You could try just not visibly or audible you reacting. Breezily ignore and see if it stops.

"We usually use the eco setting on the dishwasher."

"Oh woe is me, I'm the devil aren't I, how dare you!"

"Sure, uh huh, so next time, the eco setting's right here."

... That sort of thing?

That's pretty much what I am trying at the moment. It's just grating every time! :/
need to remain calm haha

How much feedback are you giving her?

Do you actually need to give this feedback? For your own peace of mind could you not jsit be OK with a few things being different while she stays?

The feedback isn't always about actions such as above example. Sometimes it's things being said that are very offensive . So yes, needs to be said IMO on occasion. It's not excessive .

Ok in that case I would be selective in the feedback. Don't feedback the small things. Thank her for doing the dishwasher etc.

How were you as a teenager OP? Sounds like she may be trying to get her own back! 🙂 But at the very least it's good practice for when your own kids are teens.

Good advice above about staying calm and keeping it minimal.

Next time she did the dishwasher did she use the right setting? If so, at least you know you're being heard.

Can DH pass on the advice.

Why is she staying - just Christmas or is something else going on?
Has she always been difficult?

This is my mum. It's very difficult when she stays because whilst I try to ignore it 90% of the time she is also very critical on top (whilst having no position to be critical from-her own house is ver I todybfor example and some of her life choices have not exactly worked out) and it's very hard not to bite.

I just try very hard to not react. I then get accused of being 'quiet'. I assume she would rather that than being told a few home truths.

The OP says she's staying for some time, so no way of not dealing with "how we do things in our house".

I had a house guest who was like this; flipping when I turned off lights they'd left on everywhere

She is probably living in an echo chamber of people with the same opinions as her. If you are genuinely not excluding her and making her feel like she isn’t good enough the whole time then try the following:-

Thank you for stacking the dishwasher! You are a Godsend. I know you are really into money saving, so let me show you how to set it so it only costs 20p a wash. There just like this…perfect! Thank you! Don’t know what I would do without you!

Mine unfortunately was in a white middle class echo chamber and could never understand that she was being racist or a snob because surely everyone had her views. I literally gave up in the end.

IME it is worse when someone else tries. The person says 'oh yes sure, I'll use that dishwasher setting' then goes away and mopes the person hates them

I have a friend who is like this and I feel they are insecure about ‘not knowing’ and asking for help, or are just unaware of other people’s feelings and very inconsiderate.
Eg will just pile in and set the dishwasher without asking “which setting do you use?” I think they are just poor at team playing to make things run smoothly