Need a hand hold - anxiety disorder strikes again

[Prettypoppies50]

I suffer with health anxiety and sometimes, panic disorder. For context, I had my first panic attack 23 years ago and really struggled for about a year, and 10 years ago my anxiety returned post partum and got so bad I had a breakdown. I've never fully recovered despite 2 lots of therapy and being on medication (which does help). For the most part I live a fully functional, happy, life but when it's bad, it's bad.

Since 2016 my health anxiety has focused on heart problems and a cpl of other related issues. I don't have any heart problems, I've had enough ECGs, chest x-rays and blood tests over the years to rule them out. This is all because a) a parent had a huge Heart Attack and b) I suffer with chest pain, but I have nothing more serious wrong with me then chronic costochondritis, and achy muscles on occasion due to being middle aged and having an active job which I love.

Every time I get a Costo flare or a twinge in my chest or an ache in my arm the anxiety kicks in. More often then not it buggers off but when that little voice pops up telling me "this is it, it's happening" I can't make it stop. For example today, Ive been feeling nauseous (I know why), and when I woke up from a nap earlier I had a pain in between my boobs. The panic started before I'd even had a chance to think about it, and even though that pain is gone and I'm still here, I'm tearful and nervous with that voice telling me "that was a warning it will come back later and kill you'.

I'm on my own tonight with the kids. They are older and fully aware of my difficulties which I'm mortified about because they should nt have to witness this. I'm frustrated it's still going on and terrified of my body and terrified that this is no doubt going to be a long and exhausting night.

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way op, I too have health anxiety and have since DD1 was born. Mine used to focus on lumps - I have a lymph node that is close to the surface behind my ear that started it, then I found a lump in my breast - both, thankfully, have been nothing to be concerned about but I've had therapy and I'm currently on medication. The last few weeks I've been worried about my heart and heart attacks, and I can't pinpoint why. DF and DGF both had/have had heart attacks/problems, but with me I think it's if I have a twinge or anything. Earlier this week I was worrying that much about my heart and chest that I had chest pain, then back pain, then felt like my arm was hurting - all this, rationally, was from coughing far too much and hard as I'm recovering from a suspected chest infection, but it still didn't seem obvious at the time.

I have no advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say you aren't alone, it's awful, but it's so common these days, there are a lot of us in the health anxiety boat! The one distraction I've found though is I've got a word search game on my phone to play (I usually have trouble sleeping when my anxiety is playing up) and I've found concentrating on that does provide a small distraction

Health anxiety is the pits, Even though you know it's irrational the voice takes over and all bets are off!

Sorry you’re feeling terrible

Just to say, it might be a long and exhausting night, but also, it might not be. Don’t back yourself into a corner. Our words, thoughts, expectations, hopes etc are really powerful. I hope you get some rest tonight.

Could you do something repetitive like playing Tetris? I know it might sound odd but it’s been shown to help interrupt intrusive thoughts.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s horrendous, I’ve been through similar periods of intense worry and intrusive thoughts. I had a really bad patch of health anxiety that focused on my heart - I started to have missed heart beats (which I now know is a symptom of anxiety) I got myself into such an anxious state I ended up in a&e and they kept me in because my heart rate was sky high and wouldn’t come down. I had all kinds of checks and at the end the consultant just said, it’s anxiety! It took me months to believe it, I was terrified that I was about to drop dead.

I’ve then also had other awful periods almost a year long where the focus of my thoughts has been some other ‘theme’ so in a way I know it’s driven by anxiety / ocd thoughts but it doesn’t make it feel any less awful for some reason. And I can totally relate to hearing the thoughts as a ‘voice’ as though it’s some kind of awful premonition? It has helped a bit when I remind myself that it’s all anxiety related rather than a real concern. But it’s still so so hard when your mind and body are flooded with adrenaline.

I have found that trying to take the physical anxiety down a notch does help - some good cardio every day (yes I know it’s the absolute last thing you feel like doing especially when worried about your heart) but doing it every day burns off some adrenaline and helps your body to calm down, which in turn calms down your mind. A book called At Last a Life really helped me too. I’m still convinced there is an anxiety/ocd disorder that they haven’t categorised yet which features these long intense flare ups of thoughts and uncontrollable anxiety. I really hope you feel better soon (spoiler alert: it isn’t your heart, it’s anxiety!)

Thanks all. I really appreciate the messages.

I'm sorry you all struggle too. After all these years you would think I would know better and sick and tired of it all.

I managed to sleep but woke up tearful and restless and it's been a bad morning. I'm so tired and just don't know what to do with myself. I know I have. An anxiety disorder and I know I'm healthy but I'm struggling to get past it and having to deal with this all the damn time!

Best wishes to you all xx

Ah it's so hard. I also suffer - it will be triggered by a real physical thing but then my brain goes into overdrive with worst case scenarios. I've always been inclined to worry but about 15 years ago I had an actual health emergency - I'm totally fine but it was traumatic to go through and I feel like I lost trust in my body or something.

Currently I'm waiting for a suspicious skin thing to be urgently assessed at the hospital. I know logically that a) it's more likely to be harmless than not and b) if it is bad they can almost certainly treat it. But it's sent me into a downward spiral of panic and horrible intrusive thoughts. I am trying to distract myself and be strict about not googling.

I have had CBT which was helpful in at least recognising the thought patterns and habits that are happening. Catastrophising about what will happen and underestimating my ability to cope. I find it helps to think back on all the other times I've been absolutely convinced I was going to die of cancer/heart problems and how it always turned out fine. I also started talking to friends more openly - stating "I have a dodgy looking thing on my skin and I think I'm about to drop dead" out loud does help me to laugh at myself.

Hope your day improves x

Hi OP,

I'm in a bit of a different situation but you are definitely not alone. I have a condition called Long QT Syndrome, which is to do with my heart. I'm on medication now, but the anxiety is through the roof. I'm constantly terrified that my heart is going to stop. I get huge bouts of anxiety and it's a constant cycle. I get an arrhythmia (caused either by anxiety or my condition) then get myself into a tizz, my heart rate goes up even more, I then get the panic / chest pain, and then I'm in a constant battle with my physical and mental health and I get myself into such a state.

What I would say, is write a list of symptoms down that you get when you know it's anxiety / normal for you.
For example:
How long the symptoms last for
The cause of the panic attack
Where the chest pain is
Whatever else happens on these episodes you have. Keep them on your screensaver on your phone if you must. Write everything down.
Then when you have a panic attack, look at those notes and remind yourself what is happening, as shit as it is, is normal for you. Your symptoms aren't out of the ordinary and they have happened x amount of times before. And each time no harm has come to you.

Use those notes, and if you have anything on there that's different again for example:

The pain is worse
The pain is different
The chest pain is really bad
Your heart rate is different - then know you can get checked. Always reassure yourself that help is out there and if you ever needed you call 999. But what I can tell you with someone who suffers from health anxiety (caused from my heart condition) and also as someone who suffers from a life long dangerous heart condition, is you know when your symptoms are different and you just know when you need to get checked. It took me a long time to split the two and know they dangerous signs and know my normal baseline signs.

I'm a paramedic. Which in some ways makes it worse and some ways make it better, and you would not think I'd suffer as I know the signs and know what to do, but that isn't the case. I still panic. The amount of times I've performed an ECG on myself because my heart rate is sky high and I'm full of adrenaline. (And been totally irrational because I've just been on a hard job / walked ages carrying equipment etc). What you're feeling is normal, but debilitating at times. Do you have a trigger? Can you recognise a trigger and avoid?
I avoid caffeine, alcohol, hot baths and quick changes of temp, and eating too much. That'll always get my heart rate up.

You're not alone OP. I see people, almost daily, wanting reassurance that they're not having a heart attack. The fear is very real. But I promise it gets better. I was put on mitazapine (a cardiac safe anti anxiety med) and it's really helped. It won't fix it but it's helped.

You're not alone OP.

Thank you.. I'm so sorry you struggle with similar. It's just horrible. I've read your post several times and Ty for the advice.

It's different yet the same every time. It can be a twinge, an ache, a burning pain, a pain that's constant (Costo) or comes and goes. It can be central, above the boobs, under the boobs, in my sides, in my arms, in my upper back and almost every time that awful feeling of dread and that something is very very wrong. Sometimes I've actually just laid there and given up the internal battle and thought just do it already, at least it will be over.

I manged to get the kids out for a family dinner but the journey home was awful. I managed to fight off panic attack number 3 caused by horrible pains in both my arms and just that feeling of 'oh no' something's wrong. Those pains are gone and it's currently at the top of my left boob. For anyone going to tell me I need a&e it hurts even more if I press on these areas which I've been told is a good thing.

Chances are when this episode is over I ll be fine for a while.