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Original poster

Adult friendships/ loneliness

23 replies

Thesnowfellfast · 13/12/2022 12:57

I'm mid 30's, 2 primary school aged DC and a partner.

I have 2 'friends' who I used to work with in a previous role who felt close to. We attempt to meet up probably 3-4 times a year and have a group chat. It's 95% me that initiates contact on there.
Otherwise I don't see or hear a peep from them. I get that they also have DC and have their own lives so I'm not pushy with contact but it can literally be months if I don't put a message in the chat.

I have one or 2 school mums who I am chatty with, but can often complete pick ups and drop offs without anyone saying a word to me.

I currently work in a small team of 3 including me, and we lone work 99% of the time. The other 2 on my team are male and not very chatty so it's all quite formal or pleasantries via teams chat.

It's dawned on me lately that I'm very lonely and I don't have any proper friends.

I see other people nipping out of coffee with their friends, doing things together with their DC, going for girls nights out or even spending evenings in with their friends and I feel quite jealous that I don't have this type of relationship in my life.

My partner is lovely and of course I consider him my best friend, but he's very quiet and laid back and totally unbothered about having a social life. We do things together like going to dinner, cinema, walks etc so we do get out and about but he doesn't have any real friends of his own outside of work either.

Is this normal? Do other people not have close friendships?

I came out of a horrifically abusive relationship 3 years ago where I was very isolated and left with cPTSD. Not sure if that has made me massively socially awkward and why I don't have friends or if its something else...

OP posts:

Original poster

Thesnowfellfast · 13/12/2022 19:15

Oh the irony of not even being able to get a reply...

OP posts:

YellowHpok · 13/12/2022 19:21

I think its more and more common OP. I work remotely and hate it. Would love a more hybrid role where I can at least see that other people exist in real life.

I've tried taking up a hobby just so I can get out of the house for a bit more human contact. I rarely speak to anyone on the school run, and literally never see work colleagues

Could you try a hobby maybe?

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 13/12/2022 19:22

I am the same OP I have no one to go places with etc. other than DH and my DC and I worry that I am showing a terrible example to my DC also. They also feel left out as many of their friends go out places with their parents, parents friends and their DC while we do everything just the four of us.

I don't know what the answetlr

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 13/12/2022 19:23

*posted to soon!

I don't know what the answer is, especially as I have zero time to do hobbies or go to classes etc.

Tree1077 · 13/12/2022 19:23

Hi OP friendships can be hard to start as an adult but having children can sometimes make it a little easier. I found organising play dates, soft play outings etc with mums a great way to get to know them, and also at birthday parties. You only need a few who you click with. It does take time. Good luck x

SpinningFloppa · 13/12/2022 19:33

Well it’s obviously common as i see 2/3 posts a week from people saying they are lonely/ not many friends only answer is to put yourself out there join groups/ apps

BCBird · 13/12/2022 19:46

Loneliness is more common than you think. A friend who I have known 25years,who I see every couple of months and go on holiday with told me that she hasn't got real.friends and misses being able to pop.to a mate for a cup of tea. We live 3h away from each other. I.live alone and have done for over 20 yrs. Used to.love it now hate it. Legacy of Covid has left me wary about doing anything and the recent suicide of my partner has made me realise how lonely I.am. I have friends but feel .like I can't be bothered but when I do make an effort it's usually fine. . Join some clubs to see if you can meet people. Good luck.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 13/12/2022 19:51

did you ditch a few of your friends when you had kids?

i had my son super early and many of ky friends had theirs later
i got flaked on, treated like some clinger on and generally just a nuisance when I asked to meet up
was told they’d be available next summer for a quick catch up
I mostly ditched many who seemed to not care
they’re the ones who hit me up now asking if I’m free this weekend because they feel lonely too

I’m not trying to be unsympathetic but even threads on here when someone complains about being cancelled on by their new mum friends it’s all “family time!!!!” “You won’t understand” “not everything revolves around you they have a BAAAABY”
then 5 years later you got no mates because yo effectively ghosted them all

Brunilde · 13/12/2022 19:58

I'm the same OP. I have 2 very good friends from an old job who are fab but would like more. It's so hard as an adult to meet people you have things in common with and who are interested in starting new friendships. I've recently joined peanut to try and meet some people but funnily on an app designed to make mum friends it's seems very few chat.

Nordix · 13/12/2022 20:00

What area of the country are you in , OP? If you don’t mind saying.

Loneliness is so common. I’m about to start a new lone working role and quite worried about it.

Jewel1968 · 13/12/2022 20:10

I think friendships can be a matter of luck ( right place, right time). I think the more you expose yourself to things the more chances you have to meet and make friends. Some suggestions to consider. You could get more involved in school either pta or governors. Get involved in local groups. Is there a local WhatsApp group. Any hobbies you might be interested in pursuing? Get involved on local political party? I have got friendly with my kids' friends' parents. Invited them over with their kids and the relationships just evolved.

Original poster

Thesnowfellfast · 13/12/2022 20:17

I'm afraid I'm not sporty or particularly 'into' anything so don't have any hobbies! But I think I'd like to find one and hopefully make some friends that way. Just not sure what to do...

I didn't ditch any friends when I had my DC, but as I said I became very isolated by an abusive ex. The 2 friends that I have left are the 2 that stuck around to see me though the other side. I feel the rest of my friends were more situational as they were mainly people from work who have since moved away or changed roles.
I was close with my ex SIL's but of course they dropped me when I left the ex.

I'm in the Lincolnshire area.

It's quite sad that lots of people feel this way. I do think covid and remote working have a lot to answer for. Aside from the obvious isolation I think a lot of people have developed social/ health anxiety that's stopped them from socialising as they used to.

I'm taking this as a much needed kick up the bum to put myself out there more. I WILL make a new friend- that's my goal for 2023!

OP posts:

StickyCricket · 13/12/2022 20:19

We moved to a completely new area when I was 13/14 years old and I've never had any proper friends since then, I'm 45 now.

I did make a group of friends in my 20's through work but I got "wendied" out of the group by one of them.

I then made what I thought was a good friend in my 30's but she really stabbed me in the back, I won't bore you with the full details but I'm self employed and told her about a business idea I had, I was doing lots of research and planning and she was always really keen to hear about it and talk about it. She went and quietly set it up herself, the first I knew about it was when she announced it and shared her website on social media. Obviously with hindsight her interest in my idea and wanting to chat about it was her milking me for information.

I've joined groups and I have acquaintances but nobody (other than DH) that I'd consider a real friend. It does make me sad sometimes.

Brunilde · 13/12/2022 20:20

Me too OP. I'm not near you, I'm in Manchester but I'm going to put myself out there more. I do have hobbies but mainly gaming, baking and gardening. Not great for meeting other people! I am an introvert so sometimes I'm a little too happy in my own company, but would like some like minded friends who arent too out there.

UsingChangeofName · 13/12/2022 20:27

What strikes me from your post - and that of most of the people who post on here about not having friends - is that you haven't mentioned doing anything where you are likely to meet people, which is a pre-requisite for making friends.
You work remotely 99% of the time, so work isn't likely to be where you meet people, so you need to make the effort to join something.
I know you say you aren't sporty, well, neither am I, but I can be out night after night after night if I want to, doing all sorts of different things that involve mixing with all sorts of different people.

You've got 2 Primary age dc. What about getting involved in the things they do ? Nearly every club, group, team, society is in need of people to support in some way. An easy starting point as you know you are helping them in their interests even if they aren't your own.

UsingChangeofName · 13/12/2022 20:32

Brunilde · 13/12/2022 20:20

Both the main hospice and the children's hospice near me have volunteers that go along and work in their garden for them. That would be an easy starting point.
There are 1001 different organisation that could use the skills of someone that likes baking.

waterrat · 13/12/2022 20:45

Op it is hard as qe can all get in a rut. Im a pretty sociable person and sometimes i think that people who are shy or feel lonely dont realise that those of us who are more social are actually taking a lot of very deliberate steps to make friends

I moved cities recently to somewhere where I only knew one friend. Being a new parent at the school gate was particularly daunting and one of my children has really struggled socially

But. I have made SO much effort...i deliberately make small talk whenever i get the chancr at school. I volunteer at school events. I ask other parents for advice on good local activities and have ended up sharing lifts etc with kids

I invite other children over. I threw a small party for my neighbours who i didnt know at all on the queens jubilee day...just sent a message in the street whatsapp telling people and a handful popped over to say hello

I joined a choir which is a really great way tonhave fun socially.

I have just put so much energy into teying to meet new people. If you met me you would think im confident and outgoing but I also work from home which i hate and find lonely

What im saying here is it takes energy and isnt a breeze but put the work in and you will meet people

waterrat · 13/12/2022 20:45

I can assure you OP that even outwardly confident seeming peoplenfeel socially awkward.

Brunilde · 13/12/2022 20:47

UsingChangeofName · 13/12/2022 20:32

Show quote history

Yes that's a good idea but I have a 3 year old and 10 month old at the moment and DH works shifts so very difficult to commit to anything like that. Definitely a nice thing to keep in mind when they are older.

chocolatebrownhair · 13/12/2022 20:54

I had thought of making a similar post as I am dealing with the same thing. So sorry that it has been the same for you. You sound like a lovely person and in time, I know it sounds like a cliche, that you will meet people that will value and appreciate your friendship.

I too got out of an abusive relationship and it has left me with lasting PTSD and trust issues which has made me feel further isolated

Original poster

Thesnowfellfast · 13/12/2022 21:07

@chochocolatebrownhair thank you. It's really hard isn't it? Like I feel it's hard anyway for most 'normal' people, but with the added baggage from the abuse it just feels so hard.
I fear being judged, have low confidence and self esteem. The anxiety is unreal!
But I really do want to make new friends so will try my hardest to stick all of that in a box and forget about it and put myself out there.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 13/12/2022 22:00

I feel lonely a lot.
I don't have a partner.
I tried to reach out to people but I don't think it ever worked. I just give off this vibe or something who knows. People don't text back or too busy.
Or can't do that particular time but don't suggest another time and I would have thought they would go that if they wanted to meet up.
I've resigned myself.
I don't really understand when so many people say they're lonely online because in real life it seems no one wants any more friends

purplerainlondon · 13/12/2022 22:09

It's so difficult to make friend and maintain friendships.
I have about 5 good friends and it is really difficult to find the time to see them all alongside every day life. That's why I try to make a conscious effort to see them, however it is difficult sometimes. I would rather a few friends rather than lots of fake friends.
My fiancé used to be really sociable also and has multiple friends, however with pressures of his job he isn't able to see them as often and sadly he has lost a few friends along the way. Despite that, he is focusing on work to provide us with the best possible future.
My advice would be to join a book club, netball team or even join friend apps to meet people.

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