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Original poster

Feel really hurt by colleagues, do I just look for a new job?

50 replies

pushed0ut · 13/12/2022 10:18

I work in an small team (5 women) and have been here for two years. There have been so many little moments that just make me feel like I'm really not a part of things and am most likely disliked. Things like if everyone turns around from their screens and are chatting, everyone will make eye contact between each other but not at me, eventually I just feel like I'm listening into to someone else's conversation so I just turn back around. They do collections for every birthday, wedding etc and usually bring in a cake for birthdays and I've put in every time for every colleague and I've now had 2 birthdays and my wedding where I've had nothing except a card. A new starter that has only been with us for 6 months had her birthday last month and a colleague baked her a cake and she had a little hamper full of presents. A colleague in a different location got married and all the teams put in and she got a £100 John Lewis voucher. I got nothing for my wedding except a card. It's not that I expect presents I just don't expect to be treated differently to literally everybody else. It is the Christmas dinner next week and to be honest I feel like I'm not really wanted so I said I couldn't attend due to childcare reasons, no one really said much more than okay, a colleague yesterday said she's double booked herself and can't come and was met with a chorus of oh my god no, it won't be the same without you, shall we see if we can reschedule etc. I cried about it last night and just feel stupid now really, my husband keeps saying it doesn't matter it's just work and they are colleagues not friends, and I know that, I've got lots of lovely friends and it's not friendship I want from my colleagues, it's to feel included and respected. I feel like I just need to look for a different job but it feels unfair as it's so flexible around my young kids and I may not be able to find anything that works as well. I don't really feel like I can raise it without sounding a bit pathetic?

OP posts:
MrsMyfanwy · 13/12/2022 10:25

Leave if you can, they know exactly what they are doing and nobody needs this shit in their lives
As the saying goes - it's them not you
Chin up, head high and fuck them
You are worth more

Original poster
pushed0ut · 13/12/2022 10:35

Thank you, it's so shit! I remember feeling this way in jobs in the past in my late teens/very early twenties but these are grown women. I don't understand why anyone would want to make somebody else feel like crap. My husband suggested maybe they don't do it deliberately they just don't think, but that wouldn't make it any better really as it's only me they don't think about

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 13/12/2022 10:36

They know what they're doing. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I remember the feelings you describe so well, I've ended up changing career so that I'm in charge of myself.

I guess you need to look at a different place, or job. Whatever the problem is, it's not your fault. Sending hugs.

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mamacattiva · 13/12/2022 10:42

I’d switch it up on them - act completely uninterested in anything they have to say, focus on producing great quality work and decline invites with flaky excuses to make them question themselves and why you wouldn’t want to join them (which they will, even if they would rather you not attend). Don’t quit if the flexibility works well for you, this is hard to come by. Clock in, earn money, clock out and return to the people you care about. It’s them, not you Flowers

Willowswood · 13/12/2022 10:48

I've had exactly this in previous jobs and the stress of it all made me unwell. It's too hurtful to just ignore.

I've had to leave previous jobs because of this. I don't understand why people do this at work. I always go out of my way to include everyone.

redjellyshoes · 13/12/2022 10:48

I’m so sorry OP. It’s awful they’re behaving like this.

If I were you I’d at least start applying for other roles and seeing what is out there. It’s an employee’s market at the moment and you may be pleasantly surprised and find that other jobs will also offer good flexibility.

I’ve had a couple of jobs in the past that on paper looked good (flexibility, financial package etc) but left me feeling really miserable. In both cases I stayed for far too long as I felt it was worth sticking it out for the perceived benefits, when I finally left it was like a weight had been lifted and I didn’t know why I hadn’t done it sooner.

MrsMyfanwy · 13/12/2022 10:50

Your husband is being kind, they know. I wouldn't give them the time of day. You don't need their acceptance. I think I'd feel privileged in a way that they knew I wouldn't fit into their silly game
Leave and be vocal to HR why
Wishing you the best of luck @pushed0ut

MakeMineADouble81 · 13/12/2022 10:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I agree with everyone else that you should leave.

I was in a similar situation and I found a new job - it was the best thing I ever did. I hadn't realised how much it was impacting my confidence and self esteem until I was out of the situation.

I hope everything works out for you x

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/12/2022 10:57

What nasty people you work with. So you are contributing to other people's gifts yet they don't give you anything? That is bullying behaviour, OP, and you should speak to your manager about it. If you don't feel you can do that, then look for another job and tell your manager the real reason why you're going.

W0tnow · 13/12/2022 10:58

You’re right, you can’t raise it. So you have two choices, stay, and just compartmentalise that part of your life and forget about it when you clock off at the end of the day. Or, start looking for something else.

Vent to your husband or to your friends regularly. Laugh at your colleagues for being so petty and small minded. This way you continually remind yourself it’s them, not you. And if you can brazen it out, don’t contribute to any more presents.

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 13/12/2022 10:59

Next time a collection is made for a birthday say 'oh as I didn't get anything for birthday or wedding I thought we weren't doing it anymore' embarrass them.

blitzen · 13/12/2022 11:00

This is bullying. Sorry you're going through this, OP. They sound like a bag of dicks. Look for a new job and never look back. Threads like these make me so grateful for my colleagues who would never behave like that to another colleague. X

Reluctantadult · 13/12/2022 11:00

Would you be brave enough to say anything to them about it? Kind of call them out a bit and let them know you're hurt. Nothing to lose...

Virginiaplain · 13/12/2022 11:01

In the time of 'Be Kind' and 'Be Inclusive' there's no excuse for this - they all know what they're doing - shameful.

LuluBlakey1 · 13/12/2022 11:03

pushed0ut · 13/12/2022 10:35

Thank you, it's so shit! I remember feeling this way in jobs in the past in my late teens/very early twenties but these are grown women. I don't understand why anyone would want to make somebody else feel like crap. My husband suggested maybe they don't do it deliberately they just don't think, but that wouldn't make it any better really as it's only me they don't think about

They do it deliberately. Mean, nasty, bullying people. Get another job and don't contribute to any more collections.

Charlieiscool · 13/12/2022 11:04

Only leave your job if it suits you to leave it. They sound an unpleasant bunch but in the end you go there and get paid to do a job and your life is outside work. The job fits in nicely with your real life for now and it’s best not to blow it up in your mind. It’s work, it pays the bills. It supports the things that really matter, that’s all it is.

JengaCupboard · 13/12/2022 11:07

A long time ago I worked in a small call centre type office in my early twenties. It was full of women aged 18 - 50 (ish). I was never the target of their bitching however I saw systematic bullying and exclusion on several occasions, INCLUDING from the 'manager' (who was pathetic and thick as pig shit), purely due to whether they liked the look of your face or not, or whether you 'fit'.

I refused to engage in their general day-to-day, which weirdly seamed to excel their efforts for me to 'join them'. They were a bunch of sad bitchy women and I vowed i'd never work in an all-women environment again - and I haven't.

My advise would be fuck them - they're not your friends and you don't need them to be.

justcantgetenough · 13/12/2022 11:14

Sorry this is happening to you, there bullies and I bet one is Queen Bee so the other follows what she does as don't want to be a target.

Why grown women do this I don't know I've been on the receiving end and made me ill and really effected my confidence and hard to trust people.

I know it's hard but act like you don't care, it will wind them up if not getting a response. Don't give to anymore collections and call them out when your left out. There making work uncomfortable for you so trying to be part off the group is feeding they ego. Acting like u don't give a fuck.

I'm glad you got friends, Dh outside work. I know it will be hard but go to work to do your job and don't let the bitches get u down.

Jane054848 · 13/12/2022 11:18

Excluding someone is absolutely a form of bullying.

Like you, I don't want to be friends with my colleagues, but being treated that way sounds completely miserable. Most of it COULD be unintentional, but the cards vs presents/cakes thing just seems really blatant.

Agree with others, unless you can manage not to care, you should find something else and then tell HR that you are leaving because you were bullied.

Also agree that if you can face it, next time they ask for money for a collection, say, "Can I just understand the etiquette for collections, because I've been contributing to birthday and wedding presents for everyone else for two years and only ever had cards - and as far as I can see I am the only person that is true for."

StrewthMarge · 13/12/2022 11:20

How vile.

It does matter.

Nobody should be treated this way.

If it were me, I'd find another job and just leave without telling anyone. Just disappear.

startingline · 13/12/2022 11:22

It's absolutely not right for you to contribute to collections and get nothing * back. Call them out on it. And look for a new job. You don't need this shit

StrewthMarge · 13/12/2022 11:24

I wouldn't bother calling them out on the collective gift thing.

They will all just shrug or claim ignorance.

You don't get honest fairness from these kinds of people especially since they seem to have all agreed to behave towards you in the same unpleasant manner.

notameangirlhun · 13/12/2022 11:27

This is workplace bullying, and it happened to me last year in my current job. It affected every area of my life eventually I was signed off with work-related stress.

On my return to work meeting, broke down in tears and it all came spilling out.

HR and my manager were incredibly sympathetic and they did put a memo out which helped some of it. They also adjusted my role so that my interactions with the group of bullies is limited and I never work with the Queen Bee at all now. I feel so much happier.

Is this possible where you work?

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 13/12/2022 11:42

This sounds really similar to somewhere I used to work. I never really felt part of the team but worked there for a few years as I liked the job. I got married in that time - got nothing - I was going to invite the team manager to the evening as sometimes she was lovely, but quite often was really not! The few weeks before my wedding were very much the latter. So I didn't invite her. I had a baby a year or so later and used that as my way out. (NB no card or gift.. ) Never looked back. Although I did feel very low at in a way having been pushed out of my job. Nasty bunch of selfish women. It is subtle bullying. Still makes me feel angry now and it was 10 years ago! I feel your pain... Flowers

nattergal · 13/12/2022 11:46

I was in this exact situation a few years ago after I returned from mat leave. I was completely pushed out and it was horrible. I found a new job, blocked them all on SM and never looked back. Best decision I could have made. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.