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Original poster

Anyone else going off their partners?

16 replies

RescuChickens · 11/12/2022 16:49

I've been married for 15 years, 2 DC. We've had our ups and downs but for the last few years I'm really going off DH. I don't hate him, I don't love him. I care about him. I like him. I don't know how to describe it.

Because of this, I naturally don't want to have sex. He hasn't raised this as an issue but I'm sure it is for him.

Nothing has happened to trigger this but I think it's just time really. The little things that I ignored, really irritate me now. The qualities he lacks are more highlighted to me. I sometimes think we're not on the same page. We're quite different in the way we see things.

I feel awful for saying this but I see how other DPs are with their partners and kids and I get a pang of jealousy. I know things aren't perfect for others but when you feel sad about your own situation your mind wonders at others seemingly lovely lives.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Will this pass? Am I bored? I don't want to throw it all away because of "just because".

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/12/2022 16:50

Are you peri menopause age ?

Original poster
RescuChickens · 11/12/2022 16:53

I'm 38. Is that perimenopause age?!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/12/2022 16:59

You could be getting there. How old was your DM when she started ?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
RescuChickens · 11/12/2022 17:00

I have no idea. She had a hysterectomy when she was 39.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 11/12/2022 17:02

Same here. But I actually hate my DH. Everything he does pisses me off, the way he ears, moves etc. I can't get divorced (yet) because I can't bear the thought of not seeing the kids all the time.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/12/2022 17:02

Would you be open to working on the marriage with him, trying to reignite the spark you both once had? If nothing terrible has happened then it's fair to say after 15 years and 2 kids it's reasonable to feel a bit bored with it and wonder if this is all there ever will be. Have you spoken to him about any of this given you've been feeling like it for a while now?

7Worfs · 11/12/2022 17:08

Young children do that to relationships.
I think it passes, but it needs effort.

If there isn’t anything actively bad, it might be worth doing something about it when you are ready. Small steps to reconnect etc - a kiss hello/goodbye, a touch when passing by, more smiling and eye contact.

I’m no expert on relationships, but I think it’s worth sticking together through the rough times of raising young children.

Original poster
RescuChickens · 11/12/2022 22:27

I haven't told him directly how I have felt. I don't want to upset him or him to take it the wrong way. He's not the best at conversations like this..

I have mentioned going out, just the 2 of us. he doesn't seem enthusiastic. His response is more like yeah alright, if you want to. It's always me that tries to make an effort and lately I can't be bothered anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
RescuChickens · 11/12/2022 22:29

I think maybe he's just unaware of how I'm feeling and is probably okay and doing what he's always done.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2022 22:38

Same here, and my dh is as unenthusiastic as yours about going out and doing anything. I get “could do” or “I don’t mind” or he just says he doesn’t want to.
Basically we’re just housemates, and I think both of us stay because we don’t believe life would be any better if we went through the massive upheaval of splitting up. I don’t believe it was anything to do with menopause.

KangarooKenny · 12/12/2022 06:43

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2022 22:38

Same here, and my dh is as unenthusiastic as yours about going out and doing anything. I get “could do” or “I don’t mind” or he just says he doesn’t want to.
Basically we’re just housemates, and I think both of us stay because we don’t believe life would be any better if we went through the massive upheaval of splitting up. I don’t believe it was anything to do with menopause.

You’re not alone in this.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 12/12/2022 07:24

I have been married for over 20 years. We have had our ups and downs. And we have come close to splitting up.
As you said life gets boring. When the kids come along they take over.
We did find things got better when my son got old enough.
But. Relationship is something that needs work on. And I do mean work.
When we started taking care of our relationship we did get through it. I sound like one of those wellness people I’m sorry I don’t mean to.

We take time to spend together. Go out for days out just us. We go out for dinner. Walks where we talk. We talked about what wasn’t working for either of us. We make time for each other. Even a silly thing of us watching a tv series together and chatting about it. It makes u sit together.

I started feeling special again. Like he was listening to me.

It sounds silly. But it really did work. I’m not saying it will work for u. But I just wanted to say what worked for me.

After a while of not having sex it feels like ur living with a friend and it’s important that u can to keep that side of ur relationship up and running as if were.

ImpartialMongoose · 12/12/2022 07:33

Don't forget when you are seeing other people's partners being "lovely", they will be keeping their issues and problems and less lovely aspects of themselves behind closed doors. You may find that on balance the "lovely" men would be someone you might be very unhappy with. Eg, perhaps they would be great with the kids, but dismiss your needs?

Johnny69 · 26/12/2022 23:44

It's hard and you are definitely not alone, I am a guy and I feel the same, been with my wife for 25 years, 3 great children, but it's always me trying to kick start things, whether going out, maybe time away, or sex and that gets tiring after a while when you are the one trying to start and decide everything and get back a "well we could do" or a "I don't mind, whatever you think".

It's soul destroying after a while, she said a few years ago she didn't fancy me anymore as I was her husband and she doesn't look at me like that, which was a real kick in the teeth, I still fancy her and more so than when we first meet, and after the children as she has a natural figure for a 50 something mum of 3.

It's just so difficult when she isn't bothered about sex and I could have sex daily and love variation, like not just in bed, lingerie (her wearing it not me), oral for both of us, nothing to put of the ordinary but shouldn't have to basically beg for it and the connection that comes with it.

Forgetmenot54 · 27/12/2022 00:02

The things you are describing and your feelings toward your partner sound like how I was feeling toward mine before I left him. I just felt indifferent, drained, everything he did annoyed me. I saw him as an annoying housemate and I just didn't fancy him anymore and didn't want him looking at me like that anymore. I felt like that for about 2 years before I actually left.
I knew it was done and I didn't even want to try to salvage it.

We also didn't like the same stuff and just grew apart. It's OK to fall out of love, wanting to leave him is enough of a reason to leave, we don't always need an affair or something dramatic to happen to be allowed to end something.
Sending you lots of luck and good wishes.

nancydroo · 27/12/2022 00:05

You are due a mid-life crisis to rest your marriage. Everybody gets one. You'll come out the other end closer but it might get a bit messy

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