DD is 7 weeks old, DS is 4. I'm having a difficult time adjusting. DS and I Have always been quite close, spent 1-2 days together during the week on outings and at home, and I was always the preferred parent, though DH is quite involved and has always done loads with DS, too. Pregnancy was quite difficult for me (hyperemesis, SPD) so I was not physically available or very active for much of it. DH spent much more time with DS and their bond grew, also because DS was growing up a bit and they had more shared interests (Lego, etc).
I expected that it would be a big shift when baby was born, expected jealousy, etc., but I'm having trouble getting a grip on the tantrums and mood swings and sorting out how to make this work. For example, one minute DS is happily eating his breakfast and the next he says he wants to sit in my lap and have me feed him, only he wants me to sit in a particular position, just so, (or whatever else very particular but seemingly unimportant demand he comes up with), or else he's on the floor screaming and in tears saying, "Mummy sit like this, mummy sit like this!" He has also started hitting, scratching, and pushing both myself and DH. For example, he was very tired yesterday at bedtime (not sleeping as well with holidays and such), went upstairs and got on his pyjamas without a hitch, but then decided he wanted something and DH told him no. So he threw a toy at him and hit him. DH put his foot down and said, no that's not okay, we are not going to read a story before bed now, go in your bed and go to sleep. (This is a punishment we've never done but I think we were both exhausted). Ten minutes later, DS is sat in bed screaming for me to come give him a cuddle (part of our normal bedtime routine). I went up to his room and asked if wanted a cuddle, and he started screaming about wanting to read a story. I told him DH decided no story because of the hitting and throwing, but I could still give him a cuddle if he liked. He went back into hysterics, crying, and then hit me. I told him I couldn't tolerate him hitting me and I loved him and would see him in the morning, and left his room. He settled himself within a couple of minutes, but I felt bloody awful. He was previously an incredibly chilled out and happy child, and now has had more tantrums in a week than he has in his life.
I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed. I knew it would be difficult but didn't expect this. DD is a content and happy, healhty baby. She is EBF so I spend lots of the day nursing her, which I know is hard for DS. My husband and MIL commented that I have been a little bit lost to DS, so perhaps I can spend more one to one time with him, but I don't know how, as it often turns into the tantrumy mood swings and I have a difficult time balancing my patience and empathy. (I do pump and DH can give a bottle a day but it doesn't seem enough for DS and the moods/tantrums are fairly unpredictable). I love and am grateful for both children but I also find myself wondering if we made a mistake in bringing another child into the family as everyone seems so stressed and unhappy now (and I feel terrible even writing that, hence the anonymous NC). (I was ready to try for our second when DS was 2, but DH wasn't ready, so I accepted the idea of us as a family of 3. After several months DH said he wanted to try for a second and we did, so she is very much planned and wanted by both of us, but in the back of my mind I do question if DH only wanted to try because I did).
Is this common? Will it get better, and when? Apologies this has turned into a novel but I don't know who else to talk to about this and I'm just feeling sad and like a complete failure of a mum.