Talk to me about your 10/11 year old DD Yr6

[HelpMeCope85]

I need to know if I’m molly-coddling my Yr6 DD. Today we saw a group of girls in her Year group (they’re not really her friends but I know them all) walking into our local village together. One of them has bullied my DD in the past. My DD said ‘you’d never let me do that?’ I said ‘what?’ She said ‘ walk into the village on my own’ I said to do what ? Walk around the streets? She’s had swimming this morning. We had just come back from the shops and were heading to meet her friends for lunch!

The other group of girls have Snapchat/TIk Tok. My DD doesn’t, she doesn’t have a mobile phone. She has Laptop and an IPad. Today she FaceTimed another of her friends while they played robolox.

she still loves her dolls, is a big reader, reads the Week magazine, is doing very well academically and sport wise at school. She does lots of extra curricular (sings in a choir plays netball and dances). plays Piano and violin. I’m trying to offer her other opportunities but there seems to be this freedom piece about going out walking the streets of our village! She doesn’t have a mobile phone yet. I’m trying to hold off until secondary. Tell me what your year 6 DD does. Maybe I should ask her friend’s mum’s but they’re same as me - very cautious and i don’t think would want them walking the streets.

Mine sounds the same as yours.

Thanks for the insight. Deffo need to do some loosening up! As her new secondary is not accessible via public transport I’ll have to drive her - but perhaps if with the girls locally (that are also going to her school) I start with a walk into the village. I’ll have to get her more Road aware before then as three busy roads to cross. One of which a year 5 child got knocked down on last year. But the main road there is a zebra crossing.

By main the busiest of the three. Also just to teach her where to cross to have the most visibility. And yes a walk around shopping centre while I have coffee with one of her friends is probably a good idea! They’ll need a phone though that’s all! And I’m holding off for now

I think a phone no later than Easter y6 is a good idea. They get practice on it before secondary, can store numbers of their primary friends. Let the novelty wear off.
Just because they have a phone doesn't mean they have to have all the apps, unfettered internet access etc.
In fact in some ways the younger they have the phone the more restrictions you can reasonably put in.

And yes to building road sense, ability to walk into village cross roads, be a bit more independent. Y6 is definitely the time to be teaching these skills.

My dd is 10 and is allowed to the nearest park with friends. They all live close which helps.
She's only allowed out for 2 hours and I call her after an hour to make sure all is fine.

Now it's darker earlier, she hasn't gone out with friends after school but instead to each others houses.

She has a mobile and talks to friends on Roblox.

Similar as you OP but she is my second and I found it a lot harder with my eldest. In the last year I’ve started loosening my grip a little bit, by allowing her to walk to school with a friend (I follow at a great distance chatting to a friend). I’ve left her at home with her 15 year old sibling quite a few times and even her by herself just to pop to corner shop a few times. She plays outside in spring/summer. Next school year she will be walking to school and back independently so this feels like a sensible start.
She does have a mobile that she doesn’t really use out but absolutely no TikTok or social media.

My daughter is in year 7 but at that age
She walked to and from school ( 25 mins each way) and would do small trips on her own and be left at home alone for short periods.
She got a phone with whatapp as I wanted to establish ground rules before she went to secondary and I wouldn't know anyone. This has worked well. She still doesn't have insta or TikTok
We live in inner city London in area considered rough

I think you may need to adapt as she starts secondary. Play dates will be a thing of the past. Most students will have their own phones and will arrange social things this way. Not having a phone will impact her socially. Yes you should monitor it but I would think you need to change your thinking. I am not sure why she isn't allowed out in the village with her friends. As long as you know who she is with I can't see the harm when it is light.

By year 6 both of mine were out locally with friends. Park, to friends houses, maybe meet at a cafes for a smoothie / bubble tea etc. I also sent them to shops to get things occasionally.

they didn’t have phones till year 7 but I’d just tell them what time to be home.

they also walked to and from school alone by that age and do now for secondary. But this was a big part of where we chose to live - didn’t want to get into a drive to school situation.

i would start to give her more freedom personally, it sounds like she only goes anywhere with you?

DD got a phone (old one of ours) on her 11th birthday. Wasn’t allowed any of the apps that required her to be 13 until her 13th birthday so no Snapchat, WhatsApp or Insta (think some now 16 limit) as I wasn’t going to encourage her to lie about her age - and in fact once allowed them only got WhatsApp as no interest in social media. Once she had her phone she was allowed to walk into town (15 min) with her sensible best friend which they did occasionally. But mostly she liked reading, music and crafts. She could walk to/from school alone (less than 5 mins) from y5 but mostly didn’t as I was taking her brother.

I think you need a balance between letting them still be children and preparing them for secondary - so give them a bit more freedom but you still need to know who they are with and where and when they will be home. And definitely keep right control over phones etc for a while yet.

My son is just turned 11 and in Y6. He has a phone with WhatsApp on but not TikTok or Snapchat. He has to leave it charging downstairs when he goes to bed but I can see some kids are still on it until really late at night. He can walk to school and back on the days when he’s not at after school club. However because we have a 6 year old to drop off too my husband usually walks part of the way there with him. He would be allowed to walk to the park in his own and has a few friends houses he can walk to on his own. I think we’d let him go into the village to Costa but it’s not come up yet, seems like something the girls are more keen to do than the boys around here. He does play outside a lot with his friends.

My 12yo DD is very "sheltered" but in Year 6 I made a conscious decision to start letting her go to local places with friends. This was mostly to encourage some independence before secondary school.

She has WhatsApp but I don't allow tik tok or Snapchat, except for taking photos.

I won’t let my 15 year old have snap chat or TikTok. She understands why and agrees with our reasoning. Friends who have relented on these two apps regret it hugely.

Thanks everyone taken on board. Her friends are very similar to her - some even with older siblings. They will also be going to same school so will be driving.

School situation (being further out) has hindered us a little but she will have close friends who don’t have phones etc at secondary school. Granted she’ll make new friends who might! We’ll have a discussion my DH and I on this stuff soon! Thanks xx

btw Schools have very different attitudes to phones.

Some schools ban any sight of them.

Other schools say 'right get your phones out, look up X, take a photo of this diagram / homework'.

Not sure with their secondary school will check. I have a feeling they’re not used during the day?

My dd is in y6. She speaks with her friends everyday on her phone.

She's had TikTok but doesn't now.

She doesn't walk around on her own.

Come September all of a sudden they can walk home. Call into a shop etc. Big difference.

She has snap chat but she knows to only have people she knows on there.

Yr7 organise themselves. They meet up, chat, message etc
Homework often on mobile apps.
Our school don't allow phones visible unless a teacher asks.

I remember cycling around our village with my BF in about Y4/5. If there is a group of them, I'm sure they are capable of going into the village or to the park together. I had to get a bus into town by myself in Y7 for school and I know I was far more capable than I was given credit for! Y6s, even if their private lives are still quite young, will have boyfriends, and are usually very sensible. I let mine go to the shop alone at that age and walk the mile home from school.

My year 6 DS is allowed to go to our local town centre with his elder sister on the bus (she's 15) and he has been allowed to do this since early year 5 if she's been looking after him the odd day in the holidays.

He has walked alone to the postbox and the local parade of shops (8 mins away) for at least 18 months now.

He has met up with friends in the park but I stay in the vicinity and can see them, but I stay out of the way.

He has no phone, ipad or personal electronic device. He does use his dads PS4 in the living room though. He is getting a phone for his (late summer) birthday.

If he gets into the school we want, he will have a 15 min walk to bus stop, then 2 buses to school every day. I will give him little bits more freedom over this summer to prepare him.

It's hard to know when to let go OP. If I lived in a village rather than a city, I would be more inclined to give more freedom for sure though.

Mine started going out alone spring of Y5, but we live in an area where that is usual - so walking to and from school alone or with friends, park after school and local shops. Our son is now Y7 and can go for long walks, school run, 2 local parks and shops alone. He has had a mobile since spring Y5 when he was allowed out alone but no social media and only mobile numbers of family and close friends. Plus Life 360 tracker.

He can have WA and insta at 13 but not TikTok.

Our daughter has been allowed to go to the local park since she was 9, initially with brother but now alone or with a couple of reliable friends. She doesn't have a phone; the park is over the road and has a small kiosk where all the staff know her. She knows to go there is she falls or feels uncomfortable and they will call us. She is very sensible. TBH, we live in a small and safe community and most of the park users would know her.

I remember my son being over the other side of the park to us at around 6/7 (with permission) and we had about 3 calls from people we knew to say that they'd seen him and checking he has permission to be there!

However, my nephew had far less freedom because the area where he lived was very different, parents tended to drive to school the set up was just not so safe.

My Y5 and Y6 both do lots of activities too (choir, guitar, coding, multi sports, judo, football) and go out with me.
They also both have phones (WhatsApp which I monitor, no Snapchat/ insta etc, lots of FaceTime while playing roblox). I have find my phone on their phones so am confident they don’t go further than allowed when out.
They both walk to/ from school on their own (10 minutes) and will play out with friends for hours (on bikes, football or just chatting).
They can both walk to Asda (10 minutes) to buy sweets when they have pocket money, go 6 streets away for the 7pm ice cream van in summer and walk 6minutes to the retail park to spend their Christmas money.
they can play in the playground at the park with a friend while I walk the dogs in the park.
Both are very sensible and love the independence.

it’s a firm no to social media, going inside friends houses unless arranged with me and the friends mum, getting the bus anywhere alone or being out after dark. There’s also rules about who they can/can’t play with (basically just the good kids). Walking the dogs alone is also a no.