Anyone else miss old style friendships?

[Crankylanky]

Ok… maybe it’s just me but I’m feeling sad that my friendships seem to have shifted somewhat in tone. Don’t have that many friends anymore and what friends I do have I really value. But recently I feel quite lonely in that rarely do they check in… I remember when friends used to actually phone and chat! Only communication these days seem to before and after meeting up. And that’s all done via text. Anyone care to share the same ? Or am I just a sad lonely middle aged misery?

Thanks all. It’s a strange kind of comfort to hear others feel a similar way. I do think it is rather sad that now it is deemed the done thing to ‘book a phone call’. I do understand that phone calls can come at an inconvenient time, and am as guilty as the rest for not picking up sometimes, but surely we can just not accept the call or leave voice messages ? That’s what we used to do - answer machine on!

@EggCustardTart agree with everything you have said!

I always answer my friends' calls. I let my MIL's calls ring out! She does call an excessive amount though!

I know what you mean. I’m in my 50s and while I do have a few friends, there really isn’t anyone I could call just for a chat. With the COL being what it is, I don’t want to go out for meals or to the pub (which was our pre covid way of meeting) but no one wants to just pop round for coffee or vice versa. I even looked into joining some sort of group related to my hobbies, but even there it seems there’s always some cost involved.

Don't you think the difference is that it's all mobile phones now. If you phoned a landline and the person picked up at least it meant they were in..if busy or with company they would say...now a ringing phone can interrupt absolutely any scenario meaning it is much more likely not to be convenient, or even dangerous if driving or crossing a road for example? There's always the possibility it could be urgent so it a ringing phone brings a level of stress for me...hearing it ring, finding my phone etc.

I remember my late Dad always felt the need to pull over while driving or riding his motorbike (just in case it was important) and that in itself could be dangerous. Making a prior arrangement for a chat via text is safer all round I think

Yes I really miss a good chat on the phone, messages just aren’t the same are they

Texting and social media has been a blessing for me. I hate phone calls and would just stare at my phone until it stopped ringing, which obviously was a big hindrance to friendships.

Absolutely detest voice notes. I don’t even listen to them

I know exactly what you mean. I feel particularly that since Covid many couples have become content to stay at home on their own. As someone single in their 40s I really feel this and have felt lonely on occasion for the first time ever in my life despite having many good friends. Everyone seems busier than ever with work/family/travel etc. as though they’ve been cramming in all activity for 2020 and 2021 into 2022.

Having said that, I’ve fairly recently made a new friend and it’s absolutely lovely! We do just call for a chat and we’ve had some lovely evenings at each other’s houses chatting. I value this more than ever and she seems to as well.

I think that’s the reason, definitely. I have a friend who likes to call but then I can’t get her off the phone. It goes on for an hour and a half. So I avoid speaking to her and WhatsApp instead. Which is sad.

I used to book in calls pre mobile because they were often a couple of hours long. I miss those days.

ItsNotReallyChaos that's so lovely, I hope that comes back into my life.

couples and families definitely seem more insular post lockdown.

I agree, but my friendships have been lost or less than since the advent of bloody Facebook, even my own sister acts like I don’t exist because I don’t use it, I just never like it. I miss chats on the phone and meeting up for a drink, the virtual world and texting is boring.

I actually prefer it. Phone calls stress me out when I can’t see the other person - FaceTime isn’t great either with all the glitches and time delay. It’s so much better for me to text and arrange a catch up then talk to people in real life.

Olden days phone calls would really stress me as I didn’t know how long they would last for and inevitably the other person would talk on and on about themselves leaving me staring into space just holding the receiver. Then you both talk over each other - “You first”, “No, go on - you first”. Then who wraps up the conversation and says goodbye first?

I actually find I meet my friends more often now as it’s so much easier to ask someone if they want to go for a drink in a quick text than having a long drawn out conversation about times, places etc.

If the phone rings now it’s like an intrusion. But I do understand the comfort of a reassuring phone call in the middle of the night with a good friend who cares about you.

For me, it's the difference between what I'd call 'passive' social time and 'active' social time.

Passive social time is relaxing and natural, like coming home and watching TV with your partner. It isn't planned and you don't need to travel or do anything to prepare for it. It all happens naturally and takes very little physical/mental energy.

Active social time is like arranging to meet friends for a meal or an activity in town. You have to plan it ahead, prepare and travel. As you get older and busier, you start to feel that the reward you get (the dopamine hit of seeing your friends, laughing and feeling understood etc.) is worth less and less in comparison to the energy you have to spend making it happen (clearing the date, arranging childcare, arranging travel, putting on a happy face if you've had a bad day, spending money).

When you become an adult today, there aren't many opportunities to 'passively' spend time with friends, it's nearly all 'active', and we're too exhausted to do it.

So true.

I miss friends just hanging around passively!

Some of these just sound like socially awkward issues that are personal, not using a telephone.

Curse the day social media ever fucking took off. I miss my old friends. I don’t like watching their walls of vanity. Talk!!

I am in my late 50s, but have never done phone catch ups with friends. With my 2 closest friends, I stopped living in the same town as them 39 years ago when we left school. So back in the day it was always letters, and then we moved on to email. Now we are in contact more often, tho more briefly, via WhatsApp, which is fine. I am godmother to their now grown-up children, and have supported both through very challenging life events. My closest friend lives 250 miles away, but we sometimes holiday together, and otherwise see each other 4 or 5 times a year. The other I have just visited in hospital a long way from either of our homes - first time I've seen her since March, due to illness.

The point is that friendship can be anything you want it to be, and even if you are geographically far apart, you can still stay close. It doesn't only have to rely on chatting on the phone.

I know that friendship is what you make it... but I used to see friends every week - anything from a low-key chat to a big night out and everything in between, even up to just before lockdown.
Now there's a coordination of diaries just to chat on the phone. A face-to-face meeting takes weeks, sometimes months, to plan, now.
And this is with people who live within 5 or 10 miles, and we all have cars and drive. Meeting up with people from 100+ miles away is like planning a major event.

I know it's "just life" and life stages but it's a change of times, too. My mother's generation would still pop into friends and neighbours, even with with children and family responsibilities. Or she'd ring them. If they weren't in or busy, they just didn't answer the door. Or, as @Crankylanky said, they just didn't answer the phone.

There was no prolonged planning stage.
I don't think Mum ever even had a diary - we had a wall calendar with birthdays, school holidays and dentist appointments.

Everything is so complicated now. Nothing is spontaneous.
I happened to watch some YouTuber, the other day, who was saying that they send a calendly link to their friends for catch ups.
If I had to send a calendly link, just to have a coffee, I think I'd just give up altogether, lol.

I agree wholeheartedly. I've dropped the ones who won't meet up for a chat. It doesn't bother me if they're broke, I'll happily drop in for a cuppa or they can come to mine. But there's definitely a thing where people don't want to excitedly share their news any more, they just put it on social media and stress about how many likes it got. Then because it's on social media there's this assumption that absolutely everyone on their social media channel, and somehow even those who don't have social media, have seen it and know about it. I find it so lazy. Socialising nowadays seems to mean regularly checking the gigantic personal notice board that is social media for each of your friends and leaving supportive comments. I CBA with it. I want actual conversation with someone physically present.

Mobile phone has definitely made a difference for me too. In the past I had to firstly be at home and secondly answer the phone, before I'd know if it was an emergency or not. Now I let the phone ring out knowing that if its an emergency they'll leave a voicemail or text and I can call straight back. I'm happy to make time for friends and family and will drop my non-urgent plans in an instant if someone needs help. But not just for a phone chat.

The passive versus active social time is interesting too. Even my solo activities are quite active, in that context. I'm not doing them just because I have nothing else to do. I'm doing them because I want to and I have carved time out of my week to do it. So I don't want to be interrupted by a chatty phone call, although I'm happy to find some time to meet up later in the week.

The cost to benefit ratio of active socialising explains why I've dropped some people recently. I didn't have a particular reason or any dislike for these people and we'd not fallen out. It was just a feeling of heart sinking when they wanted to meet. I've realised it's the ones who always spend the entire time talking about their latest tale of woe. I feel like they've only met up with me to gain sympathy. It's fine sometimes, we all have problems occasionally and need a friend, but when it's every single time it's too draining. Then because they're my friend I go away and worry about their problems and how they are. I've started spending the time I used to spend listening to the misery and worrying about it after, on reading novels and doing crafts. My life is much improved for it.

I used to love chatting on the phone, but even I wouldn’t necessarily welcome it that much.

don’t get me wrong- still love catching up with my friends, but so much of my day is ‘spoken for’ I’m not sure when I’d manage to chat!

im either getting kids where they need to be, making dinner, going to the gym, meeting up with friends or sitting on mumsnet! ( maybe I need to drop mumsnet and engage with my real life friends!)