Secrets and Lies - advise needed.

[DevonshireDaughter]

Name changed for this one.

I have an elderly widowed Aunt who I help care for almost daily. She is now in her early 80s and is becoming increasingly frail physically and mentally confused. She lives alone, with carers once/twice a day just to help wash her etc.

I have been close to her for around 20 years and helped with many things over the years, from trips out, life admin etc to now sorting pretty much everything out for her.

She has a daughter - my cousin - who I've never met and lives a very long way away. There is little/no contact. She is rarely spoken about and I've never been able to work out why.

Until today when I received a letter (inside a Christmas card!) from another estranged (from her) family member. Apparently, my cousin accused her father (together with one another) of sexually abusing her over many years. Her mother - my Aunt - was fully aware and knew and turned a "blind eye".

This answers many questions and is without doubt the reason why my cousin as soon as she left school at 16, moved as far away as possible.

I never knew my Uncle, he died before I moved to this area. But I believe my cousin and what happened, happened.

I am shocked, revolted and so confused. My Aunt has loved and treated me very well, like a daughter. She has helped out with my 3 children growing up and cared and loved them too. I never would have guessed such an awful thing had gone on.

Where to go from here? I can't face my Aunt with what I know, she is confused and mentally weak at the best of times.

I just don't know what to do. If I don't continue to "care" for her, she will have no one looking out for her. She needs shopping, Drs visits sorted, meds etc. If I don't visit, she will be alone. And it's Christmas-time and all that.

But what she did is unforgivable.

Some may say walk away and leave her to be alone and miserable, as she must have made her daughter feel. Karma and all that. I don't know if I can cope with the guilt of leaving her completely alone though.

I've made an excuse not to pop in over the weekend (bug doing the rounds) to give me some to think.

Help me unravel my thoughts please.

Oh blimey.
For me I would try to thibk not of who she was then but who she is now.
I think you're right to have the weekend to think it over. I'm sorry not much help but I really feel for you. what a situation to be in.

It’s a tricky one and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here. Whatever she did in the past, she needs care now. Whether that’s provided for by you or by paid carers is up to you. I’ve provided care for people who have done really awful things, as part of my job, and I find it fairly easy to not think about what they’ve done. I don’t know if I would find it so easy if it was a family member but there are definitely carers out there that will be willing to provide her support if you feel that you can no longer do it.

Awful!! No idea what I would do in that situation however I would probably consider treating her as she is now and try not to think about her past.

Thank you @delilabell @karmaisacat @winterchills for replying. It's going round & round on my head!

I think you may be right in that I have to set aside the past. But its hard and doesn't sit comfortably. And I thought i only had Christmas shopping to stress about this weekend!

While it's absolutely horrible what happened to your cousin there is no way of knowing what went on between your Aunt and her husband. It could have been an abusive relationship, a coercive relationship.

I'm speculating - perhaps you'll never know.

Could you continue to care for your Aunt and perhaps get in touch with your cousin to start a new, but separate relationship?