My life is a mess

[WhyamIdoingthis99]

Changed username says it all.
I'm pre diabetic, I'm very depressed, I work from home which I hate but if I go in the office there's no one there. The anti depressants I'm on have made me gain a lot of weight, also my diet is shocking, I just can't get my head around what I need to do, eat, exercise, etc. I literally sit and zone out on my phone. I hate what I've become but can't get myself out of this pit. I've changed my ADs to ones that won't make me gain weight so hopefully that will help.
I miss my life pre covid, I worked in a busy office with lots of friends and we loved our work, but we're all in different jobs now, it's just really sad. The job I'm in now is a new job but I've done it before (about 16 years ago) and I don't like it. I have grand plans to retrain but currently I struggle to even do basic stuff like eat healthily, cook for my kids, walk the dog, etc.
I have no confidence, I have BED which makes choices around food even harder, and I just despise myself and what a total waste of space I am.

Google Clair Mackenzie and listen to her podcasts.

I relate so much to your post. I'm also like that with my phone. It's so so much effort working out what to feed the family. Today I did a click and collect for the first time, I felt it helped a lot. You are not a waste of space. You're struggling. Don't expend energy worrying about your weight for now. Give yourself permission to give the kids oven pizza- if they're anything like mine, they'll love that. If you have a better day, cook double so you have a good meal for the next day. Higher fat and protein meals will help you feel better and make you not feel as bingey

Try to force yourself out at lunch time for a short walk with the dog. The daylight will help you feel better. If you have to reward yourself with galaxy and a cup of tea afterwards so be it

Thank you, years of disordered eating means I have so many rules around food that everything I eat I feel is wrong.

Would letting go of the rules help or create more anxiety? What's a "good" meal for you?

I really don't know, I worry about carbs because of my pre diabetes but still eat them plus all sorts of other things I shouldn't.

I sometimes think food is my only pleasure? And that's why I always fall back on it to comfort myself.

Maybe focusing on eating is actually the wrong thing to be thinking about and you need to think about what it is that is making you comfort eat, which sounds like loneliness and missing an energetic workplace. Could you look at other jobs with more of an office culture or push forward on retraining for a more face to face role? I’m considering similar as just no interest in wfh full time. Feeling more and more that I’d be happier in an interactive “real time” job. I think there’s a lot of pressure to embrace wfh as the new normal and it’s good for some people, but I think there are a lot of people who don’t particularly like it and that’s ok.

also I think just some really gentle daily exercise like a lunchtime walk would help a lot. Don’t think about it as having to be “useful” In terms of fitness or weight control. Just embrace it for getting out, say hi to anyone you pass and give them a big smile/ tell them their dog is cute ( even if it’s fugly). Makes you feel weirdly better about everything.

Thank you, you are right about being back in an office, one issue is can't leave dog for very long. I've only just started in my current job after leaving previous job after less than 6 months so need to stick at this one for a while sadly.

Bump