I can’t cope with DD behaviour

[HannaF43]

I’m getting worried about DD14 behaviour and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Since she got involved in her friendship group last year she has been awful to be around. The girls in her group are openly rude, they disrupt lessons, abusive towards teachers, have damaged school property, excluded many times for poor behaviour and out of school are even worse. I do not let DD see them outside of school because I’m scared of what she may get involved in. She won’t listen when I encourage her to spend time with her ‘old’ (sensible) friends and becomes more stubborn if I express my disappointment.

At home she is rude to all of us and spends 24.7 on her phone. If I take it from her she will have a huge tantrum and threatens self harm. I am constantly reminding her to be polite and stop with the attitude, I understand teens will be teens but I feel so helpless and that she now rules the roost.

Her school are angry and want a meeting with me because she also is rude to teachers, refuses to do her homework, skips lessons to do her make up in the toilets, has no remorse and generally doesn’t care about her work or future. I am non confrontational and I haven’t got a clue what to say to the school, I have apologised many times and said I will speak to DD but this falls on deaf ears. I feel like they must blame it on poor parenting, their emails are worded very abruptly to the point where I feel like it borders on aggression and it’s definitely disrespectful.

DD has told me some of the teachers have called her derogatory names and threatened to send her to special unit for ‘bad’ children. I only have her word on it and whilst I know she could be lying I’m disgusted if it’s true. However I would feel foolish to raise it and find out it’s a lie. It’s clear many of her teachers openly dislike her and I worry about her general safety. It’s upsetting as whilst I can understand as an ex teacher myself that it’s horrible when you have a disruptive child in your class, that many teens behave this way yet only my DD is called up on it. She’s admitted she feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want to try harder because they will still shout at her. She tried very hard in September and yet they only pointed out negatives (home work mistakes) so she gave up. I’m exhausted and just want a break from it all!
Please can I have some kind words of support and advice

Im sure it’s not only your DD who is challenged by the teacher on her behaviour. It is incredibly disruptive not only to teachers but other pupils who do want to learn and most of the lesson is taken with dealing with disruptive kids. I think a meeting with the school is a good idea. Maybe your daughter and friends need to be on report so teachers can report back on their behaviour each lesson.

i’d be binning her phone if she behaved like that when I tried to take it off her. It sounds like she’s calling the shots. Dealing with teen behaviour is not easy but you need to take back control and have some consequences for bad behaviour otherwise it’s only going to get worse. I certainly don’t have all the answer and have 2 teens myself but it’s dangerous territory when they call the shots and threaten you when you try and set boundaries. Good luck

I’d just move her to a different school and get her away from the other girls.

Read How to talk so teens listen and how to listen so teens talk. It changed the way I parented my daughter and helped massively.

“DD has told me some of the teachers have called her derogatory names and threatened to send her to special unit for ‘bad’ children.”

”could be lying I’m disgusted if it’s true.”

”many teens behave this way yet only my DD is called up on it”

You’re a parent and a teacher, and you’re believing some bullshit from her that she’s the only one pulled up on her behaviour? Come on.

I’d start by finding out from school exactly what she’s doing, and not believing all this, “they pick on me but no-one wise” nonsense.

They’ve asked for a meeting with you. So attend that without the bias. Tell them that she tried hard in September and you felt praise would have helped. Although - what does trying hard actually mean? You can’t blame them for not ignoring homework mistakes - she’s there to learn. Get their advice - they won’t be going through this for the first time! In what way was their letter “disrespectful”? That sounds like something I’d expect your daughter to complain about!

Go onto the teen threads.

And also read Hold the rope

She must be desperately unhappy to chose this path

I have a yr 9 dd and she’s my third so have a bit of experience

these kids tend to drop out of school after GCSEs but make the school day hell for students and staff

what does she want to do with her life, what else does she do apart from school?
I have an app that switches wifi off devices…no arguments
the problem is if she tries to leave this friendship group they will turn in her and make her life a misery

"She must be desperately unhappy to chose this path"
I don't necessarily agree with this. She could be unhappy but it could also just be hormones/the rush of risky situations/teenage rebellion etc etc. a lot of people look back on their teens and think what the hell was I doing!
If she is at all receptive/can be bribed etc. I would try to get her into a sport/theatre group/part time job/cadets/guides/volunteering etc etc. Something that fills up quite a bit of time, not just an hour a week. Channel her energy into something positive and provide positive role models.

I'd have that sodding phone off her, she'd not be getting it back and honestly, with the attitude you describe, she'd be in her room with a sore backside until she learns some bloody respect. Tantrum all she likes, it'd get her nowhere.

No phone, no internet, grounded until further notice, no seeing these so-called friends. I'd ask that they be separated in school as well. If this is impossible, she'd be moving schools

A pupil referral unit would be the least of her problems. At some stage in most teenagers lives being a good parent doesn't mean always being their best friend. Tough love is required here. Losing cool points to her mates should be the preferable option over coming home to you, having behaved like that.

My mum always had my back but if I'd played up like that I'd have been shitting it the whole way home because she would have wiped the fucking floor with me for embarrassing her like that.

Has she ever hurt herself deliberately?

Honestly I would be having the conversation of pack it in or we are moving schools

Yes my daughter self harmed she had camhs intervention it didn't help we moved schools and I stuck false nails on her to break the habit (eyelash pulling you can't get a grip with false nails) toughened up on her and she is fine

I would firmly side with school. Is she masking academic struggles? If she's struggling with the basics in english and maths a tutor might help. Does she have any ambition in terms of future jobs?
The next step if excluded is another mainstream high, but after that the next tier is a PRU. There is a tier after this too. But a PRU would be a massive shock to her, a lot of kids rule the roost in their school then are terrified when they meet others with similar challenges. If she carries on it is a possibility and I would make her aware.
Sorry you are going through this, it must be so difficult. Ask school about what support they can give, eg mental health

Maybe make her aware of Kooth www.kooth.com
they offer free counselling online and it is anonymous. You can chat with the same worker- its text chat.

I think you are being way too soft on her, Don't make excuses.Make her earn the privilege of her phone, pocket money, new clothes etc by good behaviour.

Ask her how she will afford make up and a phone contract if she doesn't leave school with any qualifications of note? You need to tell her that at some stage the bank of Mum and Dad stops and she will have to earn money to pay for a place, possibly a room in a house share. Look that up on spare room in your local area to show her how much rooms cost. Then show her flats and house prices. Go on Rightmove and it gives a mortgage breakdown at the bottom to show monthly payments. Then tell her about everything else that comes with not living at home like council tax and utilities. Does she know how much you pay for gas and electric? For broadband? Does she know how much holidays cost? Cars? Bus fares? Supermarket shops?

Then tell her that you love her so much and would never want to see her missing out on being out with friends, buying clothes, Netflix, take aways, going out for meals, cinema trips, holidays, weekends away (talk about all the places she could go) and tell her you want her to be able to afford these things and she can't do that if she fucks up her education. Yes there are GCSE resits but only for maths and English if they fail, not to improve their grades. She can turn this around but she needs a swift kick up the bum.

Appeal to her greed, her dreams of a life when she is an adult. Explain to her that it is easier to get qualifications when that is the sole responsibility she has. Most of all say this with love and care. I know you love and care for her, you are her Mother, she needs to feel it right now.

I would go to the meeting at school with a very open mind. Will your DD be in the meeting too? I really hope so because it gives her an opportunity to say anything she wants too.

Agree with advice so far but for deterioration in behaviour I'd want to rule out the possibility that something traumatic has happened to her to trigger it.

Because if so, then you're approach needs to be very different.

Exactly. I wonder if you taught teenagers, @HannaF43?

You are the adult and parent. Get her phone off her and take what she says with a pinch of salt. She is being rude and foul to you at home, right in front of you, yet you are still willing to believe her self justifying statements about what is supposedly happening at school?

Behaviour, truancy etc has got a lot worse after lockdown. I teach in a very good school, and honestly, the main difference in the long term for students who are going off the rails is parental support. So very firm, clear boundaries but keep trying to talk to her, try to keep making connections. In her heart of heart she knows there should be boundaries - you should hear what teenagers say about wishy washy parents, they know the score.

Good luck.