Question to/about childfree-by-choice

[user1477391263]

It's just a fairly simple hypothetical question, but:

If you are childfree by choice, and discovered to your shock that you were pregnant and that it was several months along and getting to the stage where abortion would be difficult.... what would you do? Come round to the situation and become a mother? Or adoption?

Has anyone ever known a situation where a "definitely childfree by choice" woman discovered a pregnancy that was late enough that abortion was unlikely to be a straightforward choice?

I'm just curious, because you'd think this might happen sometimes, but I don't know that I've ever seen it happen.

The closest I've known to this situation were two cases where a woman who was not exactly CFBC but did not particularly want kids and was not planning them, was surprised by a late pregnancy in her 40s (meaning that she put the period stoppage and weight gain/other symptoms down to early-ish menopause, and did not discover the truth until later). They both had the babies in the end, and things worked out OK, but if they had been DEFINITELY against children, I really do wonder what would have happened.

I know "crypto" pregnancy (where a woman is pregnant without realizing it for ages) can happen sometimes in cases of women who are older or have PCOS.

Why the hypothetical question?

"Hypothetical" is indeed not quite the right word. It does seem to be a very unusual situation though.

I did find a thread on Reddit where someone said that this happened to them and they kept the baby.... but I never know how seriously to take anything on Reddit, to be honest. I would expect that giving up for adoption would be commoner in this situation, but who knows?

This happened to my friends sister and she committed suicide.

It happened to my cousin and a colleague (one too late for an abortion, one didn’t for religious reasons) who both had the baby. Cousin hates being a mother, colleague loves her baby but doesn’t want any more.

There are loads of articles/forums/Facebook groups etc though where people talk about regretting their children and some do say they didn’t want them but had them because it was too late for an abortion/abortion is illegal where they are/religion/husband wanted children, so I don’t think it’s particularly unheard of for women who don’t want children to have a child.

We tend to be very, very careful with contraception, but in the hypothetical situation you describe I would have an abortion if possible. Forced birth and motherhood is a genuinely horrifying prospect to me.

CFBC here, age 40 and have been in a long term, committed relationship for most of my adult life. I’ve never been accidentally pregnant, and who knows if I have underlying fertility issues that have contributed.

I honestly can’t see myself in this situation due to the care that I have taken to prevent it.

I had a collage a little while ago that never wanted children. I don't know all of the details as it's obviously very personal story and not one that's easily shared, but she kept the baby and suffered greatly with depression. She almost left the baby on the doors of a hospital (or something similar, can't remember) as she was suffering with it so much. I don't know the circumstances of why she chose not to abort but she was religious so that possibly had something to do with it. The child is in their teens now and is loved by both parents but I don't think it was a cut and dry situation and certainly didn't sound easy to get to the point where she'd made peace with it.

My sister is childless by choice and says she doesn't ever want children - she's early-mid 30s so there's still time for her to change her mind, I suppose. Although she definitely thinks she'd suffer if she had to endure an unwanted pregnancy.

It's thankfully no longer possible for this to happen to me, but in the days when I was fertile, I did consider this scenario.

I thought the best plan would be to continue with the pregnancy and have the child adopted - at least then I would be able to enjoy a year's maternity leave as 'compensation' to myself for the horror of pregnancy. My sister might have been willing to adopt the child, she wanted children but couldn't have them.

I’m childfree but in that situation would keep the baby. I work in a profession that deals with child abuse cases and I couldn’t forgive myself if my baby ended up in an abusive family. I don’t hate children at all and have a maternal side to me. For me being childfree is more because I don’t want to be a parent and have the lifetime worry and responsibility.

That would be my absolute horror scenario. Thankfully my fertility is at an end and it could never happen to me now. I don’t know what I would do but have never wanted to be a mother and the thought of pregnancy has always been very unpleasant to me.

I would keep the baby if I was that far a long where abortion was almost not an option.

We are childfree by choice. If I did become accidentally pregnant (extremely unlikely) then I would keep the baby and do my absolute best for her/him. I know my husband would do the same. We would be great, loving parents, but have chosen not to have kids for other reasons.

If you're having sex this is the risk you take. I am pro-choice, but I don't think I could bring myself to have an abortion. That is my choice, and I take the responsibility for it.

It feels to me as thoth undertone of your hypothetical question is that of a woman in such a situation does keep the vhild then they were never actually child free by choice. That might just be me getting my back up as I've had similar conversations with people who believe that no woman can actually not want a child as it is 'hardwired' into us. (Yes these idiots are usually men). Anyway, if that isn't your undertone and you are genuinely curious then ill answer your question.

Most women who don't want children take great care not to get pregnant. Fortunately lots have access to contraception and bodily autonomy to make thai happen. Others don't and have to take more extreme precaution.

Every woman is individual, with her own set of reason for not wanting children, circumstances, options and legality depending on where she lives. Therefore you will get a women who choose (or a forced into by circumstances) every option you have listed and more in they do find themselves with a late term pregnancy.

Personally, if I found out too late to abort I would keep the child. It is not what i would want but lots and lots of people end up in lives they didn't want and still get on with it. (E.g. parents with dementia, being widowed, developing a life changing disability) I would likely make a very good parent as it matters to me that humans are treated well. It would take its toll on me. My husband would be an outstanding father for th same reason (we value children as humans) but it would also take its toll on him. I can't know any more than anyone else if our marriage would survive the mundane grind that children bring to it but I know we would both try very hard as we adore each other and would adore our child.

Adoption wouldn't be an option because of my reasons for not wanting children.

I would have an abortion right up to the very second it was legal. No doubt in my mind. Otherwise I'd put the child up for adoption.
I'm not in a relationship, if I have sex I use contraception obviously but I also do a pregnancy test once a month or so just to be sure, so I pray that I will never be in the position you describe in your OP.

This happened to my friends sister and she committed suicide.

Oh my God, how awful. That is just shocking that she apparently felt there was nobody who could help her out of the situation.

I'm childfree by choice and now way too old to get pregnant. I was always 100% sure I did not want to have a child and, in my mid 30s, I was sterilised.

Abortion would have been my first choice and if that absolutely definitely wasn't an option because of the legal time limits, then I'd have given a baby up for adoption.

Yes this was me. Cried for a bit, had the baby, complete lifestyle change but never regretted it.

If I really couldn’t abort, it would have to be adoption - but I’d be at high risk for suicide.

Same here.
I would really try everything to get an abortion though.

Happened to my parents. Mother didn't find out she was pregnant with me until very late (was being passed around doctors for her "symptoms" and no one thought to do a pregnancy test until her friend suggested it!!!) - she did consider abortion but was only just after the Roe v Wade decision (US) and it would have been a 24-weeks+ one, and she decided against undergoing the trauma.

They probably shouldn't have had a kid. But, on the other hand, I'm obviously glad I'm here :) and they do love me and they are thrilled to be grandparents. But I don't think my childhood was an easy time for any of us. They should have been able to just jump over to grandparenthood - I could even tell as a kid they'd be better at that than being parents, and I was right...

I’m 46, and pregnant (about 6 weeks).
When I was younger, probs in to late 20s early 30s, I wanted to have kids but wasn’t in a relationship. At that time, I decided that by age 35 I’d have artificial insemination if the situation remained the same. As I got closer to that age, 2 things happened. First, I was becoming less and less keen on the idea and less broody. Secondly, I had a severe mental breakdown and was diagnosed with a complex PTSD, stemming from childhood abuse.
By the time I turned 40, I’d fought the hardest battles of my life to recover and grow and heal…and try to move on with my life. And part of that was accepting that I would never be a parent.
And then I met someone. And he is marvellous. We’ve been together 5 years and we were married this summer. We deserved to meet each other. In addition to him being in my life, I also now have 3 bonus kids (22,19,15) and they consider me their bonus mum. I love our life, our family life, and the future we’ve planned once our youngest is out of school and building his life. I love being a bonus mum to them.
But now I’m 6 weeks pregnant. Totally unplanned (thought I was bloody menopausal!) and, I have to say honestly, unwanted. I mean unwanted in the sense that this was never in our plans for our future. If there was anyone I would want to have a child with it would be my husband. But I just feel like I’m past that stage of my life. I fear for my mental health and pregnancy, postpartum and then most likely followed closely by menopause. Our parents are all in their 70s and live far away from us. Our friends kids are now grown up and I have zero desire to make new friends through baby groups. I have zero desire to go to soft play on a Saturday morning. I do not want to lose my identity and become ‘mum’.
I look forward to adventures with my husband and grown up kids and perhaps future grandkids. I love the spontaneity we have in our life. And I’m not prepared to sacrifice that. I know that a baby would offer us other adventures and much happiness, but that time has past.
I have no connection to my pregnancy. I’ve not rushed out and started taking folic acid. I feel nothing other than detachment and despair. I have an appointment at termination clinic but it’s not for another 2 weeks and unfortunately I have to remain pregnant, which is already taking its toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally.
If I was further on, might I feel different? I don’t know. I don’t think I would.
If it was 20 years ago, I’d have gone through with pregnancy.
I didn’t choose to be child free. It’s just how life turned out for me.
In my 40s, I’ve been given the opportunity to have children in my life and that’s good enough for me. As far as I’m concerned, my kids were born before I met them.
At 46, and pregnant, my choice is to be biological child free. Never thought I’d feel that way, but here we are.
I neither want to have an abortion nor have a baby. It’s tough.

I'm post menopausal now, and the only way it would have happened to me was if a man raped me and my Pill failed. If I'd been unable to abort I'd have given the child up for adoption. I don't like children , never wanted one, and could not have afforded it.

Oh how horrifying. Poor lady. I am guessing that adoption wasn't possible for some reason?