Why do I care so much!

[confused01839]

I have a real problem with getting emotionally attached to men even after one date / if I sleep with them / a ONS. I can’t help but overthink and I just want their attention even though 99% of the time I know it’s not really what I want.

To give an example; I recently matched with a guy on an online dating app. We hit it off great, but then he tried to turn it into sexting very quickly which I firmly shut down. He said he still wanted to go on a date with me, and get to know me… so to cut a long story short we ended up meeting a week later and I slept with him.

It became very apparent that he just wanted to sleep around, and was being flakey about making any further arrangements, even on a casual basis. So I said to him that I wasn’t really looking for that which he accepted but said I can get in touch anytime I wanted fun. We continued to message for a bit but I realised that he was purely just using me when he was horny… so I called it off once and for all.

But, I felt sad when I did that. I miss him messaging me. I miss his attention. Despite knowing that he just wants to have sex with me and that’s it, even though he made a big deal about wanting to date me before we slept together….

I wish my brain could just focus on the negatives and that he actually was offering me absolutely nothing. But no, here I am wishing he would message me (I deleted his number to stop the temptation). Arghhhh anyone else like me?!

Classic low self esteem.

You need to build on your own self worth and then you will automatically raise your standards when agreeing to meet someone.

Whwn you don’t value yourself you latch on to a man who shows interest even if the interest is completely uncaring about you as a person and only about getting you to drop your knickers.

I agree that it is a symptom of low self esteem and also a sort of innocence - hoping men will want what you want, even though they show no signs of it.

make it very clear on any OLD profiles you have that you are looking for a LTR and just don't sleep with them for at least a month until you have established whether you like them, whether you have stuff in common, whether you (not they) would want to take it further.

The obvious answer is to stop sleeping with men straight away/first night if you get attached so easily

Bump! Any more advice for a lack of self esteem woman :(

Aim to stay single for a year?

Stop seeking validation from men x

One night stands won't give you the emotional validation you are looking for. Ever. It is not in the nature of a casual fling. Perhaps a better question to ask yourself, is why are you looking for emotion depth somewhere you will never find it?

Agree with other pp that it's tied in with low self esteem, and chasing validation. I get it, I've been there in my younger years - many more times than I care to remember.

I'd say it might be helpful to step away from OLD for a period of time, just so you can work on yourself and start to recognise the usual patterns and red flags.

For eg, a new man on the scene who is keen to get sexting in the very early stages is immediately raising alarm bells about what he's after.
Nothing inherently wrong with that if that's what you're after too. But, you say yourself that sexting was a no no at that point.
You really should have listened to your inner voice, and moved away from it.

That's not meant to come across as being critical by the way. Just that you probably need to work on listening to yourself and trusting your own instincts.

@JockTamsonsBairns thank you, that’s sensible advice! I want attention but sexting is never going to give me that emotional validation / acceptance that I want.