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Original poster

Brother is a crack addict.

17 replies

Chunkycakes · 07/12/2022 22:09

I've been aware he's been taking recreational drugs for years. However since spring 22 he started borrowing money from me and there appeared to be lots of arguments at home.

My parents are elderly and it transpires that since he started approx three years ago, he has been taking upwards of £200 a day from them. Either stealing money in the house, by borrowing and more worryingly screaming, crying and threatening suicide.

He is becoming more and more violent, has refused rehab twice and in my opinion is abusing my elderly parents who had to withdraw money from their credit card due to one of his outburst. It culminated in him being arrested for drug driving.

How can I protect my parents? They are very embarrassed, penniless and they have started asking me for money. My dad has been crying in the night.

I have called 999 when they are being attacked. Asked my mother to seek support from family or friends (she won't). They will not engage with authorities to remove him from their home or remove him as joint POA.

How can I convince them to make him leave their home? He is almost 40. I have a DS who is 9 and currently unable to go to his grandparents' home as I do not feel it is appropriate. I am the bad guy.

I also want a handhold cos my poor little dad crying breaks my heart and I feel powerless.

OP posts:

Peacelily38 · 07/12/2022 22:22

I have no experience of this so I hope someone comes along who is more helpful.

I would keep on trying to convince them to get him out of the house.
That they aren't helping him allowing him to stay in the house, from what I have heard when seeing situations like this is that drug addicts need to hit rock bottom to help themselves.

You aren't the bad guy.
You are being sensible and concerned for everyone involved.

TheYummyPatler · 07/12/2022 22:29

This charity can probably give you the right advice: wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/12/2022 22:33

I’m so sorry for you all. Sounds horrid and very scary. Hold old are your parents?

Have you contacted adult safeguarding to see if there is anything they can do?

I think I’d just keep reporting any incidents to the police and possibly try to talk to someone via 101 for some better advice about how to address it ongoing. Keep a log of evidence yourself. Ask police if they can prosecute without your parents wanting to. Isn’t this domestic abuse?

Original poster

Chunkycakes · 07/12/2022 22:41

I am going to contact hourglass now. Parents are in their 70s. My mum has become increasingly doddery over last six months and dad has no support. My mum has begged me not to call police again, which I shall ignore.

There is also a case of golden child and scapegoat going on and now they seem completely beholden to him and his arrogance.

I will have a chat with 101 too. Parents are hell bent on keeping him from going to prison. I am wondering can you get into trouble for having drugs in your home if they aren't yours?

No one told me it was crack until I worked it out. (His behaviour when needing a hit is very worrying.) They told me it was cocaine and I think they don't know the difference.

OP posts:

Oioicaptain · 07/12/2022 23:04

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My sister has a serious alcohol use disorder and unfortunately is enabled by my parents who give her large amounts of money. Try as I might I have been unable to get them to stop giving her an allowance. I would read up about enabling an addict (which they certainly are doing) and present them with the info. Failing that see if you can find an organisation who can give them help/support. Unfortunately your brother is not having to face the consequences of his actions. He has a warm bed, a home, food and gets support to feed his habit. Why would he want rehab? The reality, which is of course, extremely hard for any parent, is that tough love is really the only nly way forward. Parental instinct is strong though and no one wants to see their child suffer.

Greenshake · 08/12/2022 00:00

What happened re the drug drive arrest? Has he been charged/gone to Court yet?

Original poster

Chunkycakes · 08/12/2022 00:04

Unsure if charged or whether it'll go to court. Assume it will. I am in the position that no one will tell me.

OP posts:

drkpl · 08/12/2022 00:06

They won’t get into trouble for the drugs being in their home, assuming they don’t know where they are being kept, etc. Even if they did, they wouldn’t get into trouble given the abusive situation. I think you need to keep going to the police with your concerns. They will search the house if you maybe suggest you think he’s also got intent to supply. If they find any amount of drugs, he will be arrested. You need to keep repeating that cycle. I would also liaise with the police to get social services involved regarding the welfare of your parents, it’s easier to get SS to look into a situation with the help of the police.

Greenshake · 08/12/2022 00:07

If he goes to Court and pleads/is found Guilty, then the Court might ask Probation for a pre-sentence report. Depending on the content, he could end up with a Drug rehab requirement, unpaid work, one to one probation sessions or similar. That would have a significant impact on the situation with your parents as they will find it a harder to enable him when the authorities get involved.

SomeBeings · 08/12/2022 00:28

Would your parents be open to letting you manage their money?

What about setting up cctv in their house so you can see what's going on?

Have you any other friends or relatives that could help,talk with your parents or your brother?

It's the shittiest situation. I hope it improves.

RambamThankyouMam · 08/12/2022 02:13

There is also a case of golden child and scapegoat going on and now they seem completely beholden to him and his arrogance.

Then let them reap what they've sown. No sympathy here. Harmful family dynamics have repercussions.

Gingerkittykat · 08/12/2022 02:17

Will social services safeguarding team for adults be able to step in since your parents are clearly being abused?

Gingerkittykat · 08/12/2022 02:18

Has he been sentenced for the drug driving yet? A spell in prison might give your parents some breathing space to make changes in their lives.

DeFacto · 08/12/2022 02:33

Ahh @Chunkycakes, there's fuck all you can do other than disengage and save yourself. There's Al-anon or Nar-anon that you'll probably find helpful but until your parents decide to also disengage you may as well accept that their relationship with your brother currently takes priority and until they accept the truth of the matter you have to step away.

It's shit. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

Save yourself. Please.

Original poster

Chunkycakes · 08/12/2022 09:45

@DeFacto You make a good point. I have done what I can for now. I will watch and wait. When I have more evidence I will report it. It's not like children where you need to act immediately. My parents will stonewall and push me away at this point if I report futher.

I have reached out to the only family member I can, who hadn't a clue despite seeing my mother weekly. She'd noticed something amiss but couldn't get to the bottom of it.

I have POA, joint with brother. I am unsure that he realises this. I am working on parents to get him removed. Once I do I will also be in a better position.

OP posts:

Chingchok · 06/01/2023 11:18

How are things OP? I don’t want to thread hijack, as I found your post through a Google search as our family is facing a similar scenario (sister and her partner using my parents money to buy crack). But I wanted to offer emotional support, and say I understand how you are feeling and I am so sorry this is happening to your parents too. It is such a terrible feeling of powerlessness when loved ones are being manipulated and abused in a his way.

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 02/09/2023 18:17

Chingchok · 06/01/2023 11:18

How are things with your family? I wouldn't wish having an addict in the family on my worst enemy. Its one of the hardest things to go through, and you feel completely helpless. Addicts are unfortunately very selfish and don't see the absolute hell they put everyone around them in. They get to escape reality with their high but the families are often the ones paying the price, begging and reasoning but an addict will only change when they are ready. The fact some will choose drugs over their kids show just how little you can change them by begging. If they can't do it for their little innocent kids then it's very hard to have hope. Addiction is a horrible thing but it's also a choice otherwise no one would ever get clean - but sadly rock bottoms are often a very long and drawn out process and the loved ones just have to watch and see whether they will get clean or end up dead. It's horrible

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