To stop bothering with people… but how?

[ConfusedMumma99]

I want all your tips and tricks on how to stop giving so much time/thought/worry into those who don’t reciprocate.

I feel I’ve spent my whole life giving friendships and relationships 100% and getting 3% back.

I had my DD in April and relationships have changed. My parents aren’t bothered.

My friends organise things without inviting me (despite me saying please invite me). i see glances across the room when I say things. I hear them making comments about things I might say.

But if anyone calls and says they need something I’m right back to being 100% again despite how I’m treated.

how do I do it? How do I just stop giving a crap and not worry about what others think. How they behave, how the treat me. And just not do it.

my head is always saying “families family you can’t cut them off” “your friends you’ve known for years you can’t cut them off”

How do I do it? Because I can’t. I have family members who are amazing. I have friends who are amazing. Why don’t I just spend my time bothering with them???? Why am I so BOTHERED about people who don’t reciprocate that.

I've had this with a certain person... I felt I almost became obsessed why they didn't reciprocate and this made me more interested in them.

I found the best way was to imagine them in my mind physically getting smaller and smaller until they disappeared... I had to do it a few times but it worked.

Put a sticker on your phone that says “NO!”

@SantaOnFanta is that a thing, I'm intrigued!

Same here OP. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to see people to be their diary fodder then know I won't see them for a year. Why should they know all my stuff? I'm not here for their entertainment.

Stuck close to the ones that care. Invest in them. For me that's maybe one person. It's kind of lonely but at least it's authentic.

I don't know the answer, OP. It's the family people you can't easily drop who are the worst. I have one who cancels meeting constantly, and at last minute, but likes to call me to whinge about things, so then I feel used.

Your friends sound mean. No advice, just sympathy.

Are you the first one in your group to have a baby? It is a bit of a divide, sadly.

Practise putting them "on hold". Whatever their request, tell them you'll get back to them later as you are unable to give them an answer now. Give yourself time to think it through, firm up in your head if this is a genuine friend or a CF who is just using your good nature. Then, and only then, reply.

I don't know if this will help, but after always being the one to make the effort and feeling people took me for granted , I found clearly labelling acquaintances and friends in my head has helped. I also make sure that 'friends' are only given that title once they've earned it. Sounds a bit bonkers , but it really helps me from rushing into 'friendships' and being too helpful, accomodating etc to those that frankly don't deserve it. I know I'm not great with friendships and find it really tricky to read people's intentions. This approach gives me time to process what people are about and works well.

Unfortunately I started doing this after a bad experience this year with someone I thought of as a friend , who in hindsight wasn't. I got fed up of there never being any reciprocation so I stopped bothering and haven't heard from her since! It's been sobering given that we were friends for 5 years , or I thought we were. But she had always been a 'taker' so in hindsight she should have remained an acquaintance.

I put certain people on permanent mute and carry on with my life. You need to put boundaries in place and not be so available for them. Find different friends with children and downgrade your current friends to acquaintancea.

Your can see the problem and already know the solution. It it's just a matter of preparation and practice. Let's say you write down the names of all friends and acquaintances on a page under one of two headings - reciprocal friendships, non-reciprocal acquaintances, then role play or imagine scenarios in which a non-reciprocal acquaintance asks you anything- for a favour, our for coffee, whatever is is, and practice saying, 'thanks for asking me, I'll need to think about it and get back to you.' Then you've broken the habit of an automatic 'yes' and you can be deliberate about saying 'no' kindly but firmly.

I don’t think you can, because it’s just who you are you sound like a beautiful soul and some people don’t deserve you in there lives. I’m the same I’ve always been there for friends but when I’ve been in a dark place theyv not been there for me and I’ve been all alone, I’ve come to realise these people don’t deserve my time. And so the best thing to do is just cut them off your not losing anything even if you feel lonely i always think it’s better than having fake relationships and friends, but you’ll always have a kind heart and that’s something that you cannot change. I hope you come i hearts that deserve yours x