Coping with difficult conversations at work

[dubyalass]

My current role involves frequent dealings with angry/upset members of the public (I work for a regulatory body). I am completely conflict averse, and it's starting to

Argh! Pressed post by accident.

... starting to affect my sleep worrying about what I'll be dealing with the following day.

Leaving isn't an option at the moment, and there's no training available, so how can I become more resilient?

When I took the secondment I had no idea it was going to involve this level of aggro (literally). I have people shouting at me, crying at me. It's grim, but it is temporary for another six months. At times I have thought about getting signed off, but that's just crap and leaves my colleagues in a very difficult position.

Speaking bluntly, you utilise your education/experience that wanted you to apply for the role you have....

The secondment wouldn't have come out of nowhere and would have been part of your role in a wider sense, so your education would have given you a resort to process basics (ifysim).

You simply resort to basics, if you are already implying about taking time off 'sick' then maybe you need to look at a different career as there won't be a 'cushy' area in the industry further up the chain.

I realise I am being very blunt.

Why are they angry or upset (or both)?

Is it because;

Lower educated/less literate
Vulnerable
Arrogant
Had 'smart' businesses take advantage of them
Think they're immune to normal expectations
Had their baser instincts (greed or vanity) appealed to
Confused
Didn't understand what they were taking on/getting into
Used to shouting getting them their own way
Have contempt for people over the phone
Upset because they've been pissed around, lied to, ignored and generally gone through it to get to the point of talking to you
Are dealing with an organisation (yours) that isn't up to scratch either
Have illnesses, job losses, other stresses in their lives that are coming out because this is the last straw for them
Are just desperate for help and feel you don't care
Is this life or death situations, losing homes, bereavements, huge stressful losses
?

Are they swearing at you or are they swearing whilst speaking to you? There's a world of difference when you're speaking with upset people.

Turning to you, do you interpret any stress in somebody's voice as being directed specifically at you, when it might not be? Do you need to develop listening skills, calm understanding of them being upset/frustrated/angry, boundaries in knowing exactly when you can terminate a call? Are you feeling supported by management and your colleagues?

When it comes down to it, there are myriad reasons why people get angry or upset during phone calls. Some, it's not really surprising because of what they've experienced either directly or indirectly. And some are just dicks in every aspect of their lives. You're just a voice on the phone - and could be the first person that has actually stopped to hear what they have to say, to explain the process, to give them an understanding, perhaps some sympathy, perhaps just to be there as their emotions spill over (within reason).

When it comes down to it, you're being paid to not be them. They're unhappy - and likely for good reasons (although not always), whether they're entitled to refunds/compensation or not - you can put your headset down at the end of the day and go home. You don't have their lives, the ones where they are so unhappy, for whatever reason.

It's business. It's not personal - you can choose to make them feel it's personal by explaining, by listening, by letting them feel heard. You can't make them all happy, that's not your job. But there will be people you can actually help in those calls if you manage to distance yourself from what can feel like a personal attack when it's actually raging at the world and hurting, remember your skills, your knowledge and abilities. For want of better words, professional detachment, professional sympathy, professional boundaries. You can be kind, you can be nice, you can be firm and assertive where needed. You can be professional. Because it's business. And you're being paid to do this.

You can do it.

I used to work in an area where I was shouted and sworn at on a daily basis. The best way I found to deal with it was to remember they are not angry or upset with me personally if someone else had answered the phone it would be them getting shouted/sworn at.

Also dont try to interrupt them, even if you have an answer you know they will like if you try to interup them to give it to them it will just make them more angry as they aren't ready to listen even to good news. Let them get it all out then tell them what you need to tell them.

I did some training recently on "crucial conversations" it's a bit American but I actually found it really useful, not rocket science but clearly laid out tips for how to approach this stuff.

You can buy the book online and read it (it has worked examples) even if you can't access the training.

Thanks @NeverDropYourMooncup , that's all really helpful.

It's face to face in the main but also phone calls. The phone calls I can deal with a bit better because if they're really bad I can just say I'm terminating the call.

Their position: vulnerable (we're the latest in a long line of shit they're dealing with), dealing with life-changing things. I can't be more specific unfortunately. I am absolutely sympathetic to their positions and my usual tack is to let them get everything off their chest first without interrupting as @Hellocatshome says (if anyone interrupts me it gives me the total rage!) and then try to work with them to find a way forward. But for some folks there is no easy way forward and it can end in aggression towards us. There is some support from higher up but not enough and nothing practical.

I have had no training in dealing with aggression and don't really understand how my past education or experience would have given me those skills @Justanotherlurker ? My usual role is mostly administrative with positive interactions with the public so this has been a shock. I didn't have any choice in the secondment, it was presented as a done deal which I'm also pissed off about as this is not the direction I wanted my career to go in.

Thanks also @Mandatorymongoose , I will look that up.

Sounds horrid all round OP. Public sector presumably. Ridiculous not to give you any training or support.

If someone is shouting at me I lower my voice whilst talking, this causes them to quieten down so they can here me

Do you have colleagues doing the same job?
What supervision do you have? What support does your manager give?
Where is the line in terms of what it is ok for you to be exposed to as part of the organisation and as an individual?
People are upset and angry in certain situations but there has to be a line regarding what is tolerable.
Are you actually unsafe /is there a physical risk , how are you expected to manage this? Where you sit for example.
Over time you will develop the skills needed but it shouldn't be making you feel ill. Be honest with what you are struggling with to your manager.

Good advice above, also look up Betari's box. In simple terms, people reflect at each other including what they pick up subconsciously.on your attitude. So assess how the conversation is going, and try to take control as in, if the tension rises, lower yours, lower your voice, try to be calmer, then they should start to mirror that back as well.
Don't forget that none of what they are angry about is your fault - you are just wearing the hat - so to speak - of the job. It is not personal.
Also try and remember that if you do take it personally (and it can be very hard not to) you might start to sound defensive, and defensiveness can come across as hostility to others, so would make things worse.

Also, if your words can only tell them what they don't want to hear, your expression can tell them that you also agree that it's shit and if there is anything you could or can do, you would do it, and that sense of empathy can help to lower the tension.

It's ridiculous that they haven't offered any training, usually there is some training available on challenging conversations, difficult conversations, or conflict resolution. Maybe look for some videos or books on these topics?

Also Think about body language, when I have been in this situation I tend to uncross my legs, look like I am really listening to the person. I might try and sink lower in my seat. I might lean my elbows on my legs if it feels OK. The other thing I do with people who seem alpha type is make sure I shake their hand and call them Mr or Mrs , Ms..... not in an aggressive way but a respectful I'm here to engage with you respectfully way. The skill is working out what is best with the individual but you can't always get this absolutely right.

Use the language/phrases they use if that feels OK and not patronising .

I had a colleague i used to hear on the phone and he was very good at saying i am so sorry i cant help you more, i cant do this or that i really wish i could help . It akways felt genuine . But i think you need to check any phrases dont come back to bite you. I noticed in a posh restaurant recently when we complained the manager looked very sympathetic, listened intently, said he'd do what ever to make us happier but never hinted that he agreed or acknowledged they had made a mistake. I presume this was the party line, this is where you need training and to be clear about expectations.

Your workplace has a responsibility to a) train you and b) protect you from harm.

I think you need to be honest with your manager and say the secondment is not going well. Put your issues in writing. Are you in a union? They may be able to help advise.

Are you alone in the room when these aggressive interactions happen or do you have support? Is it genuine fear of harm that is stressing you or is it the feeling that you can't respond appropriately? Have you ever been trained how to handle the complaints?

I am really sorry this is happening to you, I think you should ask for support.

The one thing I would do is accept that it is understandable you feel this way. It is not your fault this is happening. If it was a performance issue, managers would have discussed this with you already.

Your mental health is deeply valuable, both in terms of your own future life and for contributing to the country so don't be afraid to prioritise it in the short term. One thing you could do is more proactive stress management - so after a stressful interaction take a walk or a break to meditate/breathe, to keep stress levels from building.

I also work for a regulatory body and have had a role that also included a lot of contentious public meetings. I did get training and support though.

Have a look at Apolitical - they provide free online training for public sector workers on many "soft skills". They have a session tommorow on "What to do before your engage with the public".

Thanks very much everyone, loads of helpful ideas here which I'm going to read through properly later today. The meetings are mostly done in pairs now after some unpleasant interactions when lone working but there's always scope for a low-risk meeting to go wrong.

We do have difficult conversations training but it doesn't cover these scenarios, it's more for line managers. I will suggest the org offers training for this kind of work in the future.

I did raise it with my manager last week and so it's on their radar (they are supportive) but the work still needs doing and there's nobody else to do it as we're understaffed.

I think you have a responsibility to ask for more training or more support if you feel you want to go off sick (rather than you need to go off sick). Even if it's just for your colleagues sake.

How long is the secondment for?

if you aren’t coping with the role (no judgement sounds shit I wouldn’t want to do it!!)
id ask your manager what support they can offer you but ultimately you want to go back to the job you were employed to do
you might need some legal advice potentially but I’m not an expert in that just not sure how a company can tell you they are changing your role & responsibility’s without your agreement

It's until next summer. Our contracts have the all-important clause "and any other duties required blah blah blah" so there's nothing I can do.

I have flagged it up to my manager and more generally there is awareness of high stress levels, but a lot of it is lip service. And the work needs doing now (or ideally last month!) so there's no time for training. I'm going to see how the next week goes but I've been heartened by colleagues who contribute to the project speaking out about what a mess it is. It's given me confidence that I'm not just wanting out because the going is a bit tough, there are actually some alarm bells sounding around it all.

OP I used to work in a similar sounding job and it wore me down to the point where I simply had to leave. I know that isn't much help but I just wanted to say I know how much it sucks and, for me, no amount of trying to put myself in their shoes or telling myself that it wasn't me they were really angry at worked. Ultimatley I stopped caring about how vulnerable they were when they were being so abusive to me and making me dread waking up in the morning.

Can you try and move posts?

Thank you ❤️ moving jobs not an option at the moment, at least not in the same organisation. I'm going to give it some thought in the new year.