How to help my son with the chip on his shoulder?

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My ds is 17 and generally a lovely boy in many ways. We have our issues, as I'm sure many do. He can be very lazy and stubborn when it comes to tasks that he has been asked to do but doesn't want to i.e. empty his lunch containers and clean them, put his washing in the main washing basket, put his clean clothes away or keep his room tidy. He also isn't hugely motivated to try hard at school but has been lucky so far in that he's quite bright. His luck will run out though and he recently failed an AS level. General stuff but it becomes quite frustrating.

The main problem is that he constantly perceives himself as a victim. Whenever he is told off he makes a comment about how his siblings, particularly his sister (younger by 2 years), are not told off like him. He very much sees DD as the favourite child which is not helped by the fact that she is high-achieving, works hard, does her own washing and keeps her room tidy. I have told him multiple times that our behaviour towards him is a direct reflection of his own behaviour but he just doesn't seem to grasp it. He has in the past, been quite a bully towards DD - isolating her from the others, who are younger, and taking any opportunity to put her down. This has stopped though in recent years although he can still be controling with his other siblings and they get very cross with him.

Last night we had an almighty fall out. He did something to purposefully upset DD, knowing full well it would really upset her (think exposing her to a phobia that he knows she has). He did it out of pure spite. This followed on from an afternoon of attitude where DH had taken him out all day for an activity but when they got back he refused to contribute to any house related stuff. I really lost my temper with him and shouted but he refuses to acknowledge his own behaviour in this situation. Apparently it was just a joke and whenever anyone does anything to him they never get told off. My reaction was OTT but it's a built up frustration of him not completing the very basic tasks that I ask of him along with his shitty attitude when we are busting our arses to try and do the best by him. I have apologised for shouting and he has reluctantly apologised but when I asked him what for, I could tell he didn't really know/believe it.

How do I make him understand that he only has control of his own behaviour and that perhaps our tolerance would be greater if he were able to demonstrate some awareness of this? FWIW I do try and praise him and celebrate when he does well but it's hard sometimes when his room stinks the whole house out due to the rotting food he's left under his bed despite me asking him to clean it 15 times.

How do I approach this without it being another battle?

Sorry for the essay!

Maybe you need to stop fighting it. I have gotten a bit more zen in my old age and realised that I can't control everything and everyone in my household. So after months of fighting and nagging and going to bed feeling like everyone hates me I kind of gave up. I am now using natural consequences for a lot of the usual issues - for example, if my children don't put their dirty washing into the basket it just doesn't get washed and put away. I don't look for their belongings. If they don;t empty their lunch boxes they dont get a packed lunch (younger child will get a school lunch which they hate and older child can do that too or do without). If they are rude to me, I don't do them any favours until they apologise - no lifts, no nice days out. I imagine what would happen to them if they did this and I wasn't here - and then I just let it happen.

I think his victim complex is a bit trickier to deal with. Some people are just naturally inclined to claim victimhood. To be on the safe side, I would examine whether or not me and my partner were unconsciously or otherwise treating the children differently. If certain that wasn't the case then I would consider suggesting cbt. Those with a victim complex tend to have really poor conflict management skills - they typically resport first to anger and blame. Maybe work on conflict management with him.

You need to improve your relationship before you can fix the actual problems. Can you find opportunities for extra 1:1 time together?

He is clearly jealous of his sister, if you were being totally honest, is there any chance you favour her?

It is a very tricky age as they want to be grown up but still have a tendency to act like toddlers. I think you need to have a calm talk with him, put your expectations and boundaries in place and listen to him if he had a real issue around you having a favourite. He needs to step up but you also may need to step back, so no doing lunches, laundry etc and see what happens. If you are clear with your expectations then he can be angry all he likes but you know what was discussed and agreed. I would try and unpick where his unhappiness is stemming from, as it is important to support him if he feels isolated from the family. It is so hard and I have been there but be clear, be consistent and show love.

If he doesn't put out his washing or clean his lunch box or his stinking room.... just ignore. Don't do it for him. He'll run out of clean clothes/lunch will be disgusting and no girls will ever enter his stinking lair.

Basic lesson in "consequences".

@2bazookas You obviously have never lived with the smell of a teenage boy! Mine will just wear dirty clothes or rinse a dirty t-shirt and hang it up to dry, stinky the house out even more! He was a bit better when he had a girlfriend but not much.

Thanks for the comments so far. Nightynightnight I have done this to a point - stopped doing his washing (he just stole his dad's clothes), didn't make his lunch (he just bought his own with his own money) but it also feels petty when I'm doing it for the others.

I think I do treat him differently now sadly. His sister does get told off but not for the same things so he doesn't see it. She is also generally much easier in many ways - she does all her school work, we never have a "surprise" at parents evening and she is very diligent when it comes to most things she does i.e she works hard so does well. Her room is tidy, she gets home and empties her lunch bag, she changes her own bedding etc etc so when she does do something I'm unhappy with my tolerance levels are probably higher. For instance, dd likes to watch TV quite a bit whereas ds likes to game. I do often tell ds to switch it off and not DD - this is because DD will have already completed her homework and done her tasks whereas Ds won't. He sees that as me being unfair rather than related to the fact that he has done nothing.

His unhappiness definitely stems from insecurity and jealousy but what he can't see is that he can easily change it. I don't expect him to be his sister. He has lots of qualities that she doesn't have - he's very sociable and personable. He can generally talk to anyone and gets glowing reviews at his work place where they all seem to love him. What I do expect is that he completes some very basic tasks like emptying his washing basket before it overflows and then I wouldn't be so grumpy with him all the time. But he doesn't - it's almost like he doesn't do it on purpose and digs in deeper the more I ask. It's so wearing and I think it does make me short with him.

Oh god, this is exactly what university is for! Such a shame he failed his AS year as it'll delay him going off.

How old is his sister?

**orbitalcrisis · Today 14:57

@2bazookas You obviously have never lived with the smell of a teenage boy! Mine will just wear dirty clothes or rinse a dirty t-shirt and hang it up to dry, stinky the house out even more! He was a bit better when he had a girlfriend but not much.**

Absolutely this - his room was stinking the whole house out. He denied all knowledge of anything that might be causing it and refused to tidy his room - lit a candle and opened a window. Eventually he found an old yoghurt in there which had exploded in a carrier bag under his bed. I found it really embarrassing when people came to the house and I could have cried with frustration.

He's actually predicted AAB in his A'Levels. He's just as bright as DD but he doesn't work as hard. I'm worried that he'll have a horrible lesson to learn when it comes to them though. He was predicted all 7+ in GCSE but only got 2 7's. He is applying to Uni but wants a gap year. His attitude towards work has really improved although he told me he worked really hard for his AS level when he didn't (hid his mock results from us amongst other things) so my trust in him is compromised.

DD is 15. She's predicted 8/9's across the board at GCSE and has just been selected for a Performance Pathway for her sport. DS had delayed puberty (his voice has only just broken) and missed out on a lot through COVID and lack of physical and emotional maturity. I can understand why he has a complex some times.

Assuming he doesn't have a job so relies upon you financially. Just pull the plug. No phone contract, no spending money/allowance. Change the wi-fi password.
Give him 24 hours to clean his room or you will go I there and throw out everything, whether ots deemed to be rubbish or not.
He won't learn by being tiptoed around; he needs a short, sharp shock

This stood out
This followed on from an afternoon of attitude where DH had taken him out all day for an activity but when they got back he refused to contribute to any house related stuff.

How do you feel after a big day out? Knackered?
I have to keep reminding my DH not to be a growly grumpy bugger to the kids immediately after they get home. We are taught to be gentle with toddlers during their 'transitions' between activities. But the same goes for transitions for adults and teens too. Sometimes when we get home, we need time to chill before turning to the next thing.

I resort to treat like a toddler. Praise the small stuff, ignore the less good stuff (largely - the smelly room I'd not have ignored either). Sooner or later you get progress and they come round to your way of thinking.
I also feed like a toddler at that age - bet he was starving after doing the activity day and grumpiness followed. So quick snack or tea and biscuits first.