Do you think you have to be body confident to truly enjoy sex?

[Hi5689]

I have never been comfortable with my body, or being naked around men. I’ve only ever had one relationship for 4 months (I am late 20s) and even then I wouldn’t let him see me with no clothes on.

I’ve slept with around 10 guys and I’d say 90% of that time I’ve had sex in the dark. Majority of the occasions have also been a ONS, so I am not that sexually experienced…

I slept with a man this week after meeting him on a dating app. He wants something casual which is not what I want, so I’ve called it off. However, he was telling me how hot he thought I was, and I still couldn’t relax. A man has never made me orgasm and I am starting to think this is because I can’t relax because I am always so conscious of my body and also just about letting go. I worry they are judging me.

I just feel completely disheartened because a lot of the guys I have been with have always been confident etc etc, and I just feel insecure the whole time.

I wouldn't say so although it may be true for you. I had a good body in my 20s and was confident with my body but I had loads of crap sex. Now I'm 35 with 4 kids I've got a less than perfect body but I feel sexy and confident with my husband. I think to have good sex it's more about the connection between the two people rather than the mechanics.

Bump

Is it not easier to change what isn’t making you body confident?
Lose some weight or tone up?

I agree with Hells Bells. I have only every orgasmed or felt free in sex when it's someone I trust. That takes time and commitment for me so it's only come in a relationship. ONS I found soulless and shit.

Are you gay? Genuine question ... could you be? And repressing it this way?

Do you orgasm by yourself or is this a bigger issue?

To answer your question, I think being relaxed and happy with yourself helps a lot in enjoying sex (which isn't the same, necessarily, as orgasms) but you need a partner you fancy and who helps you feel relaxed and happy too

I think anxiety is an absolute killer for good sex. So although you don’t have to love every part of your body you do need to feel relaxed. Perhaps these men haven’t made you feel safe? I wonder if repeatedly having sex in the dark has made it into a bigger deal for you because you haven’t experienced a kind, loving partner who enjoys you naked. Trust is paramount.

Hmm. How you feel about yourself certainly affects your enjoyment of sex, yes.

I had a few sessions of sex therapy in my late 30s with a focus of not being able to have an orgasm from my husband, or with anyone else in the room. A really helpful thing the therapist did was to show me a set of cards made by American students in the early 70s - lots of normal naked bodies. So clearly she thought my difficulty accepting my body was part of the issue.

Sadly it took me until I was 49 before I actually managed to get there! For me what made the biggest difference was that it was a one night stand with no relationship involved. In a relationship I was always afraid that my partner was bored, turned off, resentful (if partly because I sometimes felt those things about sex). In fact a whole series of one night stands, and particularly whatsapp sex with men who due to the nature of the interaction actually had to tell me in detail that looking at me turned them on. I'd never had that kind of a compliment from a partner before, and I'd been married twice! I think now that my husbands were aroused by looking at me but I never understood or believed that at the time. I thought they just wanted sex and anyone would have done. I assumed they'd prefer someone else tbh.

I think good sex is very rare with a one night stand.
Focus on getting to know abd like and trust someone befor having sex with them.

Sex as a precursor to a relationship is a relatively modern idea and it often doesn't work

I’m old so one night stands were not the done thing when I was young so from
my perspective whilst I have never had any body hang ups and am confident about how I look, I would have felt uncomfortable being naked with a stranger.

I know my view is seen by many as old fashioned but when you date someone and get to know them over time and feel secure with them, when you come to make love you know they care about you and you feel at ease and comfortable at being naked around them.

I agree!

God that's a new one! Since when does having body hang ups around sex equate to being gay?

OP, I think if you have body confidence issues you will struggle to relax around ONS situations, like I did.

Agree with other PP, when you find someone you connect with or have major chemistry with, that's when you will relax.

I personally find that wine helps too

For me, it’s all down to how the person I’m with makes me feel.
I’m in my late 20’s, but had 3 children in quick succession in my early 20’s. I’m slim, but have the resulting stretch marks, my boobs are way further south than they were before kids etc, and I’m not remotely confident in how I look naked. But…the guy I’ve been dating for a few months honestly makes me feel like the most beautiful creature on the planet. Initially, I was really nervous when it came down to it. He’s been married before, but has no DCs, so I was worried that a body that’s grown and birthed 3 whole people wouldn’t be a turn on for him…but he literally worships every inch of me 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 Which has made it so much easier for me to get out of my own head, and just enjoy it. He makes me feel confident and sexy, and that is enough to make me relax and just go with the flow.

But you don't need to relax to have an orgasm. Quite the opposite in fact. You need to be aroused and tense. Being told to relax and trust my partner and have more bubble baths and what-not got me precisely nowhere for decades with orgasm. What I needed to do was focus on my arousal.

So yes, sexual orientation isn't way out there as a question - it wasn't the issue for me but it could have been.

I’m not body confident and ridiculously still feel embarrassed around my partner of 14 years when it comes to being naked and sex but I do enjoy what we do. I just wish I could overcome my confidence issues around my body when my dh has no problem with my body. For goodness sake he’s seen me give birth!

Being relationship confident - most of all, feeling safe - is more important in my mind. You couldn't trust those men, so why wouldn't you be anxious about being seen and judged? You were feeling vulnerable, not feeling secure.

It's genuinely a case of it needing to be the right man for you. Not everybody is able to see it as scratching an itch or something that's entirely separate from emotions. Fine for those who can, but that's not everybody, male or female.

Do you masturbate? Its a cliché but someone else can't love you until you love yourself.... I think it's the same with sex and orgasm. Can you work on feeling comfortable having sex with yourself?

I am not really body confident but then nor am I unconfident. I aim for body neutral - where how I look doesn't dictate how I feel. It means I am fine to be naked with new people and feeling sexy depends much more on mood and connection and context. If I'm not comfortable with a new person I will NOT have good sex. But then I can't imagine having sex with them anyway if I'm not comfortable with them....

It’s who you’re with.
I had shit sex for 20 odd years and now in a different relationship with a fabulous man who knows what to do and I’m totally confident and really enjoy sex now.

Yep, me too. Had a lot of shit sex in my 20s. Am now in my late 40s and obese but am having the best sex of my life with my DP of over a decade. DP for some reason finds me very sexy and that makes me feel sexy.

Is it not easier to change what isn’t making you body confident?
Lose some weight or tone up?

Ha, yes if money was no issue I'd be able to get sorted straight away. Designer vagina, get surgery to get rid of loose skin, breast lift and implants, laser stretch mark removal etc. It would cost me almost 30 grand to get to a place I feel ok in my skin 😔 if only it was as simple as loosing weight!

Yes OP I think it's impossible to enjoy sex unless youare comfortable and have confidence. I just lie there cringing and trying to Cover myself up with my hands. i am always drier than the Sahara desert, anxious and just willing it to be over. However in my fantasies where I have a perfect body I love and really enjoy sex.

Not fun.

I can never orgasm on a ONS. I need to have had at least one date and a click with a guy before I have sex with him. My body is fine. I'm fine with it.
In my mind - this is a head thing - if you're focusing on your body - and all its imperfections... how can you relax? Xxx

It's not important to be fit, or toned, or conventionally hot, or slim.

It is important to be comfortable and happy with your body. His body won't be perfect either. He will be worried about performing, about the size of his penis, etc. Neither of you are looking for perfection - you're after good sex. A connection. An orgasm.

So have sex with the light on. If not, it means you're not able to appreciate his body, either.

Everyone is different but the best orgasms I have had have been in relationships where I had a real connection, where there is a real level of trust, desire, respect etc.

Don't answer this here if you don't want, but can you orgasm by yourself or with toys? How well do you know your body and what works best for you? That also is a part of it.

I definitely had a better body in my 20s but wasn't as confident then so I think working on your confidence is far more important than anything else.

'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski might be a good read for you OP!

I think being uninhibited when having sex goes hand in hand with enjoying it, otherwise youre just vulnerable with a stranger who you are assuming doesnt even like you or your body. That would be quite unpleasant for anybody surely.
You should maybe concentrate on what feels nice for you, and what you want to do with someone else, rather than thinking you need to be physically perfect for them. ATEOTD, most guys are pretty happy and excited to be in bed with a naked woman, and as you noted, they just assume you wouldnt be there if you didnt find them somewhat attractive, so what makes you think they want more from you than they are offering themselves?
Most people just have normal bodies with plenty of flaws. Its ok

No, I think you have to feel accepted and desired.
If you have a high opinion of yourself (body or person) it is probably easier to feel accepted and desired.
If your opinion is not so bouyant you can still feel accepted and desired if you have trust with your partner.
Trust isn't instant and we don't trust someone who doesn't show they are trustworthy (as in a safe person to trust with your feelings and can be vulnerable with).
I'm not body confident, I know my body is very ordinary and not 'insta worthy', but I have a connection with my lover and have no doubt I am accepted and desired. Like you I couldn't climax with someone I didn't have that with (though I know some women can).