Thinking you are the centre of your own universe

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MIL and SIL had this philosophical view - that they are the centres of their own separate universes and hence they should only try to perceive things from their own viewpoints (as they are incapable of fully perceiving things from other people's viewpoints). My DH was saying he doesn't think he is the centre of anyone's universe; he defines himself by the relationships he has with anothers i.e. I am his wife, hence his closest relative so if there is to be a centre in his universe, then I am the centre. I have a similar way of thinking. However my SIL says this is 'faux modesty' and that this is overthinking.

Btw this doesn't mean MIL and SIL only do stuff that is in their interests or are not emphatic. Their characters are different from their philosophy - they just use this view as their original starting point. They are adamant 'this is the truth '. I am just wondering how common this view is. I mean, I have read literature that western societies are much more individualistic but yet in UK, I have always felt people did prize community and relationships (they also did value personal space and independence!) Surely if you feel community is important, some part of you would be thinking in terms of the common good and hence you would not be the centre of your own universe by default?

Well everyone really is the centre of their own universe aren't they.

You can TRY to see things from another's point of view, but you can't really. All we have are our own brain and senses that perceive and interpret the universe.

I can't prove you or anything is real - because I am a prisoner in my own head and everything I experience is generated in my own head.

There is a word for this philosophy - Solisipstic or something like that (could Google but can't be bothered).

Everything and everyone may be just a figment of my imagination. Same goes for you (if indeed you are real and I'm not making you up) 🤔

I think life could be much more comfortable if I could centre myself - instead im a chronic people pleaser who never knows what I truly want. If you say that they’re otherwise good and empathetic people who do things for others I think it’s a pretty good viewpoint to have. My DH could be seen as the centre of my universe and I don’t think that’s very healthy for me

I’m like your MIL and SIL then. Now that I have children they are my centers. I’m not exactly selfish, but I will never put anyone else’s comfort ahead of my family’s.

My ‘care’ is in tiers - after my family I prioritise my community, then my town, my county, then the UK, then Europe etc

It's fine in a rich country, I suppose. But if you are in a poor country where 50% of the people struggle to afford food and there is no welfare state, how can you be the centre of your own universe when you are dependent on the charity of others to survive. Like you can tell yourself that, but I am not sure how it helps in practice.. And you also need to practice charity to your immediate family members/community in case you fall into dire straits (which can happen to anyone). I do feel the UK may be in that predicament.

Everyone is their own centre IMO. Closest relatives/ friends orbit closer to you and you would give /do as much for them as you could but even your children and their needs will be seen through your own prism of experience and knowledge. Community is important and will be there but usually community focused things are motivated by making your area a nicer, safer place to live for you and your family.

I’m an immigrant in the UK, originally from a poor country with no welfare state. Poor countries are even more tribal.

I am from Singapore and my grandparents and parents all felt engaged in the pursuit of nation building. They could be materialistic and selfish but not being patriotic and thinking yourself as part of the new nation would be an existential crisis imho

I agree with that - I love my adoptive country, town and little community.
During COVID I really started to prioritise local businesses etc, and will volunteer more when children are a little older. As long as my family is sorted, I will give to the community. But as PP said, that is also somewhat selfish as it benefits my family.

I have had this conversation with my sister, who believes that her children are the centre of her universe; which I sort of think is an obligation that should not be put on others. We cannot help but be the centre of our own universe - it dos not have to be a bad thing.
It has another side, that I attribute to Leonard's mother (Big Bang Theory) - that we should not "allow" (or they require, even) someone the power to be the external focus of our self-worth, although that is something that Narcissists actually believe we should do.

What an interesting conversation, I thought I was community focused, but now I'm wondering whether it is ultimately because I want it to benefit me and mine. I certainly know people who are incredibly individualistic and won't even, for example, wear a cycle helmet because they don't want to and can't see how wearing one benefits others (e.g their own family should they have an accident, the paramedics who would be scraping them up, their own children in terms of normalising safety). Actually I'm basically thinking of one man here 😂 and clearly he's an arsehole.
What I do see is the same people stepping up time and again, to do a bit extra, help jolly people along. Conversely there are people consistently doing the exact opposite. Reciprocity doesn't seem to be a thing anymore.

Interesting. It had never occurred to me to think in those terms. I suppose I am the centre of my 'own universe' in the sense that I am the only person who I wholly know the innermost thoughts of. But I think more in terms of myself being a microscopic speck in the whole universe - and find that thought very comforting.

@MinnieTea I think of that more as Individualism, which was once upon a tme encouraged. But of course, there is the "Put your own oxygen mask on first" approach, which is 100% right; some people never do anything BUT that though.

I tend to think that there's one universe we all share, and that to do the greatest good you have to understand as much of that universe as you can. And to do that, you have to try to see that one universe from as many perspectives as possible.

Because we are human, it is much easier to see things from the perspective of people closest to us. That makes it easier to "see" the nearby bits and to focus on those. Which is why people find it much easier to be charitable to their family, friends, local community than to a completely unknown group half the world away.

I work in the NHS with the general public and it really is an eye opener.

I would say the vast majority of people are self absorbed with little concept that they are not being seen "NOW" because there are 101 people ahead of them in the queue who are much worse off than they are.

I've slightly gone off helping people and being kind and all that stuff about doing it for the greater good.

I would say that this would be the same in any country. When there is a personal healthcare emergency, our personal selfish instincts would kick in due to worry about ourselves/our family members. but the crux in the issue isn't as much whether we want to be at the front of the queue but rather do we support the principles behind the NHS because we truly believe free at the point of service healthcare is the best system to deliver effective healthcare but because we individually believe that we are entitled to free healthcare. The latter would mean that the system is abused more; if we believe its our god given right why would we treasure/respect it? in fact if I truly believed free healthcare was what I was meant to get, i would go to the GP every time i had a sniffle because I would think of it from my own perspective- its my right, why shouldn't i, i like seeing the doctor 'just in case'. I don't do that though, because I don't believe i am necessarily entitled to free healthcare just because i live in the UK, I believe that we should have the NHS because its the system that we have and abolishing it would probably limit people's access to healthcare (which is extremely damaging to society and people's lives).

I grew up believing that people should always consider what effect their actions are having upon others and to value the community, region, country etc.

Yes completely but being on the coalface is much worse than you can imagine. I cried after I put the phone down on someone on Friday because they had been so horrible to me. I really wanted to say if they had planned ahead they could have avoided the situation rather than expect other people to sort it out for them. Person was saying, "Yes, you all say the same thing. How hard is it to do XYZ?". Err..... only so much money in the pot? Prioritising that money? People in a much worse situation than you? People in much greater need than you? Don't you worry though, you bawl me out on the phone when I am empathising with you and trying to help you.........