For most of my life I’ve thought that things that happened to me in childhood (abuse - sexual and emotional), bullying, I thought it was all my fault . I’ve blamed myself and punished myself for years. I thought it was something about me that caused it all. I’ve never talked fully about it all to anyone, and then a couple of weeks ago I found I wrote it all down and on a whim, sent it to a very trusted friend.
She phoned me the next day, told me it’s not my fault, it never was. That I was a little girl who deserved protecting and parenting.
I thought for years and years it was my fault. I’ve spent so long going over things trying to work out where I went wrong and what I could have or should have done differently. It’s only today reading a letter she wrote me in reply, and sitting thinking, and reading old paperwork (writing I did fifteen years ago) and solicitors papers re my parents . It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t within my control.
It’s the weirdest feeling. My immediate reaction was a horrendous surge of anger towards the one parent I’m still in touch with, but I can’t verbalise that to them. Just been sitting all day realising that yes, I was abused, I didn’t deserve it, it was wrong and it wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t have done anything to change it. I can change now I look after myself now, at least, but I couldn’t change it back then.
I don’t know why I’m posting this, just wanted to say it out loud.