How can I be better?

[Quinniebellie]

I’m feeling really shitty and need some advice. My thoughts are quite scattered so sorry if this doesn’t make sense and please don’t judge.

I feel like we’re failing. Our home is miserable, as am I and DH. The atmosphere in the house isn’t a happy or fun one, we’re so stressed all the time but I don’t really know what about. Our relationship is stretched at the moment but we love each other so much, we’re just bickering a lot lately.

We have 4 gorgeous DC ages 1-5, love them more than anything and they’re such lovely kids but I feel like we’re wasting these precious years with them just being miserable. I feel like we just exist, we don’t live life. It’s like our lives are so busy and full of stuff, but so empty at the same time.
We get annoyed with the kids a lot and snap at them a lot and then feel guilty. Most nights I relay small moments with them that I regret and cry at how I’ve been with them in the day. They’re amazing and I feel like I’m not appreciating them enough when I’m with them. I’m worried they’re going to start seeing themselves negatively if things don’t change as they get older.

DH works full time and I work part time a few evenings a week, the rest of the time I’m at home with the littlest two. We don’t really do much else at the moment though which is both part of the cause of these issues, and a product of the issues. We’re so tired and stressed that we make excuses not to do stuff and we all just end up in the house all the time, so the kids are bored and get wound up, which winds us up and causes more stress and the negative atmosphere.

I feel like we need a shake up but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want the kids growing up in a stressful environment and I want them to be having fun and loving life. I know the mother I want to be and I’m not achieving it, things were a lot better a couple of years ago but since then it’s all just gone downhill slowly. But how do we do that? How do we change from this to that?

I feel like I don’t know how to mother or wife properly.. I struggle to fit everything in - cleaning, housework, school stuff, after school clubs, homework etc. How do people do it and be happy?

What do you do after school? Do you go out? We never do. Do your kids play? If so, what do they play with? When do you do homework and reading?

What do you do on the weekends? Especially at this time of year. What little fun things do you do together?

How do you bring and maintain JOY in your home? That’s what we’re missing.

@Quinniebellie sorry you’re feeling this way. Your children will definitely remember your presence over any materialistic things in life.

at the weekends, why don’t you try going out with wellies and go for a nice walk in the woods, make it fun like pretending to find the gruffalo or looking for blackberries to pick. That doesn’t cost anything and the fresh air will do them them world of good.

I know the feeling of always feeling rushed, perhaps write down a little plan for spending time as a family and what things can wait (such as some of the cleaning) and then you can prioritise family time together? Xx

Your kids are very young and it really does get easier as they get older. You're still in the thick of the hardest part. It's a drudge with babies and toddlers and it's exhausting.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up. I'm sure you aren't doing as badly as you think.

You probably need to start with talking to your partner about how you need to be kind to each other and work as a team.

@Globetrotterwitch thank you for responding. Everything you’re saying makes sense, it is so hard juggling everything.
we definitely need to prioritise time for fun but I just don’t know when, and don’t want it to feel forced if that makes sense.
I think part of it is I’ve got so much going on in my head and I can’t switch that off when the kids come home, so I’m not really present in the moment with them. Therapy is a good idea and I’ve wanted to do it for years, the question is if we can afford it and again it’s another thing to fit in!

@TTCm thank you. The part about them remembering my presence is what worries me, because I’m not really present. I don’t have a great relationship with my mom now because of how she was when I was younger and I can feel myself being the same, so I’m desperate to change it before it’s too late.

thanks for these ideas, it sounds so silly to ask because they’re such simple things and things we used to do a lot especially during lockdown, I just feel my heads such a blur at the moment I can’t even think of the simple ideas so thank you.

@GracePooleslaugh people say this to me a lot and I really hope it’s true! We’ve had babies in the home and been in the thick of it for 5 years now so I’m looking forward to it becoming easier, but trying not to wish these years away!

thank you, I do beat myself up a lot and I’m awful at comparing our life to other people’s which is something I’m trying to work on.

me and DH had a chat this evening which is what has prompted me to make this thread to ask for some advice on how to actually change things.

Are you near any natural spaces? We have three kids aged 1-5 so I know what you're talking about - it's exhausting and you struggle to be a couple !

This said the best antidote in my experience is to get out, coats and wellies on and go on a walk somewhere where the kids can run around safely. Bring a thermos of a nice hot drink... you'll all feel refreshed & happy.

Oh no, sounds like you feel unhappy!

We had some tough years a fair while ago (my kids are lots older than yours) and we found that slowing right down and doing less, but putting more effort into doing it well, was the secret for us. We got off the treadmill whenever we could. Said no to loads of things. This made everyone in our house happier.

I struggle to fit everything in - cleaning, housework, school stuff, after school clubs, homework etc. How do people do it and be happy? I did less. I actively looked for ways to reduce commitments. If I had said yes to one thing, that was the day full in the calendar. This way I had more time at home to do the house stuff/relaxing stuff. Luckily I have low housework standards anyway, I am happy with basic cleanliness and good hygiene, any performative cleaning can fuck off.

What do you do after school? Do you go out? We never do. Do your kids play? If so, what do they play with? When do you do homework and reading? We did very little after school other than local walks, maybe the park and one club per child. The kids had a snack, then did homework first, then played. We were very low TV/screens which frees up time. We had a lot of art stuff, did crafts. When young they did things like junk modelling and marble runs.

What do you do on the weekends? Especially at this time of year. What little fun things do you do together? We did things that got us outside or went to art galleries or museums. We had limited budget so had to focus on free musuems etc.

How do you bring and maintain JOY in your home? That’s what we’re missing. I think self-care is important. Hygge has morphed into marketing bollocks but basically I did a lot of low-key cosy things and made sure to focus on them mindfully. We also attended to stress as a priority not a last resort. No one feels joy when stressed!

Modern life can get pretty mental IMO, unless you actively tone it down.

I think you are in the thick of it right now - however wonderful they are it's hard work being responsible for small people, especially 4 of them!

I find it almost impossible to keep up with work. jobs around the house, getting to school on time....it is hard work, almost overwhelming!

No real advice but go easy on yourself and don't strive for perfection. Make time to have fun, even if it's at the expense of stuff that 'needs' doing....

Oh and cut down on school clubs, commitments, play dates.....makes a massive difference!

You have 4 children under 5, you are both completely exhausted and that's taking a huge mental toll. Keeping on top of things with one or two kids under 5 is hard enough - you have 4! As PP said, it does get easier, especially when they move out the toddler phase. You just need to be kinder to yourself and focus on it not being like this forever, just need to ride it out for the next couple of years and slow down on other commitments if possible. Once the older ones start going to school it will be easier to mange the youngest, and you'll start noticing more joy around the house. You've also spent the best part of the last five years pregnant - that will have taken its toll as well.

Bet you're great parents although you clearly think you're not, but it's just because you can't see the wood for the trees just now.

Hi OP,
I can highly recommend the podcast How Did We Get Here with Dr Tanya Byron and Claudia Winkleman. It's like free therapy. Lots of excellent advice about parenting, expectations and coping with difficulties in our past.

@TTCm - looking for blackberries to pick in December?? That's not going to be very successful...

Yes we’re between a city and the county, about 20 minutes to either. We definitely need to get out more and we used to a lot before we had DC4. I think it’s the pure effort it takes to get them all ready and out the door, the thought of all that just for a walk is exhausting but you’re right we would all feel better for it.

@oishutup thank you I will have a look for it!

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

You are in what I think are the worse years with children. So be kind to yourself. Children and relationships are hard, throw in day to day life and current things going on in the world and it not hard to see why you are struggling.

The beat thing about small children is small and cheap outings are amazing to them so go to the park, the woods, feed the ducks, collecting leafs etc. The added benefit isnyou get fresh air too.

Automate parts of your life where you can. Food delivery amazon etc if you can afford.

Speak to your husband about you both getting say an hour each at the weekend undisturbed time. To read, to meet a friend, go for a walk etc.

Also give yourselves an evening in with no phones or social media and watch a film with a glass of wine, or chat, play cards - remember why you like each other.

To manage the house and all that stuff - division of labour is key- it shouldn't all fall to you. Maybe something like The Organised Mum Method - it really should be Person as dad's need to learn to be organised but I digress. This has lists of basic household jobs to do each day and then a 30 min spotlight on certain rooms a great way to get started.