Mumsnet, make this fair

[BittenInLondon]

I have read many threads in here about women becoming SAHMs and getting royally shafted in the process (not in a good way).
I will be shortly giving up my job to look after our DCs because childcare costs far exceed my income and I have almost no career progression anyway and, honestly, I want to spend time with the DCs while they’re babies. So do plan to start my own business once the DCs are in school, but in the meantime, does this sound like a fair set-up?

I should add that DP is completely on board with all this and wants to make things fair.

Background info: DP is a high earner (highest tax bracket), has an office job which is 50% wfh. We have been together about 10 years and will shortly have 2 under 2. We are planning on buying a house early next year, moving out of DP’s city flat to somewhere more family friendly.

So here’s what we’ve discussed so far:

1. get married. This’ll be a tiny, quick ceremony, followed by a big party later in the year, once we’ve moved.

1. Put me on the house deeds as joint owners even though the mortgage will be in DP’s name only.

1. Set up a account that DP’s income gets paid into, linked to all household / DCs related direct debits, standing orders and credit cards used for household / DCs.

1. Join account pays NI contributions for me, equal to those at my last salary. Not sure how to do this, are these just voluntary payments to HMRC?

1. Joint account pays into a private pension for me, at a rate we need to decide on. Not looked into this at all either, but I’m guessing a Google will bring up some options?

1. I receive a “personal allowance” into my personal account of roughly half my last salary. I can spend or save this how I wish. We may do similar for DP.

That’s all we’ve thought of so far. Does it sound alright? Is there anything glaringly obvious that we’ve missed? All tips welcome, so I don’t end up back here in a few years time bemoaning my position!

😱

Insurance and life assurance via DP’s employer, which is generous. For long-medium term anyway, to give me time to figure out what to do

I am not sure about the comment giving up as it exceeds your income, surely you’re only liable for half the costs?
If he earns 5k a month and she wants 1k a month so a total shared income of 6k a month and chidcare costs £1.5k a month it's still COSTING THEM for OP to work. It isn't about it being expected to come out of her wage. It's about being financially worse off as a family.

You need to be insured too, think about what he'd do without you.
And wills! Even if married it makes everything easier and cheaper

Wow that’s good to know, thank you.

A few people have said that we should have equal pensions, but DP’s is massive so it wouldn’t be possible. I don’t think it would be fair either - we don’t have the same job, qualifications, education etc that got DP this employment benefit, so I dont see why I would demand the same benefit for myself when I wouldn’t have got it had I remained in work. My entitlement to DP’s pension once we are married (if we divorce) is already a good deal imo

Two questions:

Why wouldn’t you be on the mortgage? You don’t need to be an earning partner. If there is a genuine reason you can’t be (and get advice on this) make sure you are otherwise protected ie is being on the deeds enough

Why wouldn’t your spending money be the same as his? All your joint income should go into one account, with equal spending money going into your separate accounts

Also, check on pensions and NI. You will be entitled to a chunk of his pension if you divorced but I don’t know when from.. so get an FA to review EVERYTHING so if you split up you would both be steady financially

Think about how work in evenings and weekends will get divvied up, and review it regularly

Think about how you might build up your business and try and start something soonish. Lots of people do loose confidence at home, so keeping something going, however small, can be a smart idea.

Why can't you go on mortgage, SAHP is a valid occupation?

I assume as yous are unmarried at present, you claim child benefit? Is DPs income above the threshold, because it pays your NI contributions for first 12 years. I'd prob claim it and give it back purely for this reason.

Rest sounds good though.

Yes that’s it. I maybe worded it clumsily, as DP would have paid all/almost all the cost. It just doesn’t make sense for us as a family unit. Plus I do want to spend the time with the DCs.

OK so looks like we may need to think about point 2 (me not being on the mortgage). We got a decision in principle recently, while I was still employed and thought that having me down as well as DP could bring down the sum the bank would lend if they did their calculations on the basis of a multiple of our joint salaries rather than DP’s sole salary (eg 4 joint is less than 5 DP’s only). Also, we are porting DP’s remaining mortgage on the flat and that’s in just DP’s name, so easier to not have to reapply and lose the good rate.