Just had enough of my family treated so badly.

[TiredMum06]

Hi, so a lot has gone on between my partner and his mum, she's not been a good mum to him tbf, I can't go into too much detail on here as it's really disturbing and private to him. Basically he's now having intensive therapy to try and help him deal with past traumatic events that his mother was responsible for.

He's tried his hardest to maintain a relationship to her but because of her ignorance and failure to accept responsibility, he's completely cut her off.

She moved to another country several years ago, then when Covid-19 hit obviously she didn't see any of her family. My partner tried to contact her and she just basically rushed him off the phone and didn't wish to see our kids on video call.

Just recently she travelled back to England and wished to see my partner and our kids, I didn't want anyone round my house as I was not well at all and house had gone to pot, she's very nit picky about mess as well.

So my partner said he will take kids to see her instead. My oldest chose not to go, as he felt funny not seeing her for so long, he's autistic and isn't comfortable around unfamiliar people. I couldn't force him to go, it was entirely his choice.

Fast forward to this year, my other 2 children's birthdays are very close to my son's. She sent them a birthday card but not my son. I feel this is because he chose not to see her. It's not his fault he feels like this, it's part of his condition and not his fault travelling became impossible due to Covid-19. I feel she's being utterly childish in what she's doing, and to take this out on a child is utterly appalling.

I've bit my tongue for too long now in her treatment towards my partner, her son and now how she treats her grandson, my son! I need to say someone but need to be clever about this as she's narcissistic and will try and turn everything back on to us.

What would anyone else do in this situation?

Your partner’s having intensive therapy due to issues created by his monther. He’s tried to maintain a relationship with her and she doesn’t want to know and now she’s playing games with the next generation.

These people don’t change, unless they want something and then start manipulating to get their needs met.

Focus your energy on your partner and kids, don’t engage with her, bin the cards. You owe her nothing.

Put the cards in the bin before anyone sees them if you can

It's a bit of a mess trying this low contact thing. Because I'm a typical family a member coming from overseas would be welcome in your house, therefore seeing your child, there would have been no issue.

I understand why but I can see that from MIL's perspective, 'I came all that way to see them and I was told I wasn't welcome at the house and only DH and DC came not other DC. I'm not bothering with cards for people who can't be bothered with me when I've travelled miles'.

Not saying she's right, but that will be how she sees it.

She knew full well that travelling especially to foreign countries is extremely difficult for us not to mention expensive, and can always call on the phone but never did. My son has a condition that means speaking to unfamiliar people is extremely difficult, she made the choice to move abroad knowing all of this, it's on her head. As for not visiting our home, none of us were aware of when she planned to visit, she just dropped it on us unexpectedly, we are a family that needs plenty of time to prepare for visitors, and as she's become so unfamiliar and the way she views mess, we didn't have much time to prepare at all. Had she given us that, things would have been completely different. Also, given what we now know she has done to her own children, I will say I felt uncomfortable myself having her in my home. My partner did actually confront her about it, and she took absolutely no responsibility what so ever. She is responsible for her sob needing intensive therapy. Now she's turning it all onto a child and taking it out on them because they felt estranged from her because of her own actions.

Unfortunately we opened them on my other kids birthdays, I'd ordered my kids a card each from funky pidgeon so assumed the cards were the ones I got them, but they were from her so my son had already seen them. Plus we thought she would have sent his card separately and hasn't. She's a nasty piece of work. I do not wish for her to send any other cards to my home but don't know how to stop this.

Yeh thankfully my kids weren't even interested in the cards anyway. Her son is no doubt hurting by how she's treating his son, her grandson. All I can do is support them both and reassure them that she's not a nice person, neither of them have done anything wrong, and that they are loved by my partner's dad and our sons granddad, and my mum, my sons nanna.

How do I get her to stop sending things to our address?

You don't need to justify yourself. I see what she's doing.

I'm just saying that her truth is different. She's never going to see it your way.

Yes I understand, and thank you for understanding. Yes as a narcissist, she doesn't see things from other people's poit of view, only her own. In her mind, there's only one side to the story, her side. Everyone else is to blame.

Can you order a moonpig/funky pigeon type card yourself and sign it from her so your son doesn't feel bad?

Then message & let her know what an evil thing that is to do to a child and let her know that all cards/gifts sent from her going forward would be returned.

Honestly, if your DH is in therapy because of her, I really don't know why you'd even want her in your child's lives. She's clearly still vile.

Me and my partner have spoken and we said if any cards come in future we will check them and bin them, and we want nothing more to do with her. Why she has done this is beyond me, it's just morally wrong. There is no love in her at all. Luckily my son isn't effected as we have protected him. He has my mum, my partner's dad (his grandad) and his wife who he calls grandma, and a heap of aunty's, uncles and cousins on my side and his grandads. She is one nasty, vile person who does not deserve children let alone grandchildren.

Hang on a minute, just because someone is “blood “, it doesn’t mean that you owe them anything, especially if they have treated you so badly.. She’s traumatised your partner for life, she’s being very nasty to you and your child. Would you accept a friend of yours treating you and your family like this? You wouldn’t, so why are you accepting it from her?

Any person can become a parent. It doesn’t and it shouldn’t make your partner’s mum into some kind of sacred, untouchable being because she’s the “mother”. She’s clearly caused a lot of damage. And this is how abuse happens in families but it’s just accepted because of the “we’re family” nonsense. Is this how you want your children to grow up? It’s so toxic. It’s so wrong.

Having any contact with her clearly re-traumatises your husband, stresses you out and I’d negatively impacts your child. Of what benefit to your family is there in keeping any contact with her? From what you are saying it’s zero benefits. This is exactly how generational trauma happens. You need to protect your family from this narcissist. She will never change and you owe her nothing. I would think of my family’s own happiness, and stop any more trauma, and go no contact with her.

Don't fight her , just ignore her. She won't change, she'll never see her behavior as wrong
Concentrate on your family

Spoken to my partner and we have agreed to leave her to it and go no contact to protect them.