Too dependent on counsellor?

[allwalkedout]

Hi all. I’m just after a bit of advice and hearing the experiences of others.
I started having counselling at the beginning of the year for a number of reasons related to complex trauma I experienced growing up. Over time, we have developed a really strong working alliance (as she calls it) and I am finding that my relationship with her is where a lot of the healing is taking place rather than in the ‘what we do’ in sessions. Part of our contract from after the first 3 months changed and then included support between sessions in the way of phone calls and messages which we talked about and planned when I could call and message and what I could expect in response. I have rarely called but I do message a couple of times each week if I’m finding something particularly difficult.She always responds so encouragingly and warmly. The odd time she will call to check in with me. However, I’m finding that now, my counsellor is the first person I want to go to when something comes up or the first person I want to tell good news to. I’m thinking that it shouldn’t be like this and that perhaps I am becoming too attached to her. I’m starting to care about her more than I am comfortable with (although I am very clear that our relationship is professional only and is not and never will be a friendship). It feels uncomfortable and unsettling that as an adult, who has a relatively stable home life with a good support network and range of connections and places to fulfil my needs, I feel this way towards another woman. It’s almost a maternal feeling even though we are similar ages and at similar stages in our lives.
Has anyone experienced this? Is it normal? Should I stop seeing her and start again with someone I won’t care about? Should I keep going and see what happens on the other side of this?

Could you bring this all to her? I would encourage you to lean into what you are discovering and talk about it with her. Therapy is many weird and wonderful things and there is so much happening that we can't really understand. I hope you can find the courage to take this to her, please don't feel like you need to break off and walk away, it is fairly normal to get very attached.

I find the messaging a bit odd. Could you not just scale it back to the sessions with no contact in between?

@coffeeisthebest I have thought about this but I’m worried that she’ll think I’m weird if I say to her that I feel this way and that she might need to transfer me to a colleague. I’m a bit of a control freak so if this relationship ends, I need to be the one to do this (I think this illustrates why I need to be in therapy). I also don’t think I could handle it if she gave me a speech about how our relationship is purely professional.

@Mushroomlady I could do this. But if I’m honest, I’m enjoying the contact. I feel like I need to go all or nothing. Can I ask what you feel is odd about the messaging?

It’s okay to go through a period of dependency and to learn to care for someone - it’s just completing work you didn’t get to in childhood.

And all the worries/fears are normal too - agree with a pp that you should bring all of that to your counsellor as that’s all worthy stuff to work through and will help you.

I found this website/blog helpful when I was going through similar. www.howtherapyworks.com/blog/tift-41-its-the-love-ii-bracing - the website seems to have had a reorganisation since I last looked at it so I can’t find the post I was thinking of, but there was a lovely story where the therapist described a client who was going through a fierce period of dependency and she was questioning whether it was okay to feel it and fearing it ending. The therapist said when children are about 6 they want to marry their opposite sex parent, and that kind of idolising love is normal at that age, but that those feelings would be totally different by age 20! When you’re in the 6yr old phase it’s difficult to imagine ever feeling how you might in the 20yr old phase.

Therapy brings up all sorts of unfinished stuff, so it doesn’t mean you’re not mature in other ways or that you haven’t worked out ways of functioning in the adult world, but therapy gives you a chance to work through the bits you’ve forgotten about and left behind. It’s a bit of a bizarre experience going through it both as a competent adult and your inner child with unfinished needs, but gradually those two parts of you become more integrated, and you do come out the other side to build up more strength in yourself and your inner child will gradually let go of your counsellor bit by bit. Just as children do maybe age 7 onwards as they learn to branch out into the world.

It's a normal stage of therapy, it will happen with any therapist. If she is decent she will welcome talking about it.

The dependency, clinging, counting down until the next session stage is probably the most unsettling and scary stage for the client and I couldn't imagine a time when I wouldn't be desperately missing my therapist the rest of the week but I really don't. It's a long stage but it does pass and discussing it does help.

I look forward to seeing him of course and he's always the one I can't wait to tell stuff to but I've reached a stage where I'm totally secure in the relationship and it is a relationship, however you want to dress it up. I just found myself thinking about other stuff more and before I knew it the time had passed.

What you're experiencing is normal and acceptable and expected. Your therapist expects it.

When I eventually worked up to telling mine that I basically fancied the pants off him he just said he knew and hadn't said anything because it was totally fine and just a sign that therapy was going well. Barely blinked. I'd be very surprised if this is anything new to your therapist.

I experienced this with my counsellor, I still have very warm feelings about her - even though our last session was a few years ago now. I've did some basic counselling training for my job (I am not a counsellor), and this sounds normal to me and something counsellors are used to dealing with. (It may come under countertransference?) I think you are correct that the relationship is the thing that is helping you most - but this is not a bad thing. I would bring it up with her, and talk it through - I think you will feel better afterwards.

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink @Notanotherwindow thank you both so much for these responses - I feel much less weird now and what you both say makes so much sense. I’m so pleased others have felt the same. I have my next appointment on Monday and just maybe I will be brave enough to bring this up. It does feel like a very childish need that I have and it makes sense that it is coming from a place of not having needs met when I was younger.

My therapist always calls it a ‘young’ need which always feels less judgemental than a ‘childish’ need somehow