DD (16) not being invited anywhere :(

[Malteserbreakfast]

Hi,

To give a bit of background to this, my dd is likely on the autistic spectrum and has always struggled a bit to keep friendships going. Overall, she does quite well and has a small group of friends within school, but it took a long time to get here.

However, that's where it starts and ends. She never gets invited to parties, sleep overs or anything outside of school. When she was in her early teens, it wasn't a huge problem and we just thought these things would probably just happen over time. They haven't.

She turned 16 a couple of weeks a go and I think she put a lot on this age. I.e, expectations of where she'd be, things she should have done by now. For example, she's never really had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Well, not for longer than a day and I don't think she's had her first proper kiss, let alone anything else which her friends are obviously all insisting they're doing! Of course I don't want to think or any of that happening and part of me is delighted 😂 but I do feel bad for her when she talks about x friend going out with x and I can see she's sad that she doesn't have that.

A "friend' told her the other day that it was obvious she was a virgin and that she wouldn't want to go to these parties because she's too "delicate" 😒 I don't think it was said with nasty intent (I know the girl who said it) but still, it's obviously made dd feel like shit!

Thing is, whereas she kind of wants to fit in and do the 'typical' teenage stuff, in reality I don't think it's really her thing. She wants to want to do it iyswim.

I try so hard to keep her confidence up, but I think hitting this milestone birthday has really amplified her feelings and emphasised how different she feels to most of her peers.

Is there anything I can do? To think she'll be an adult in a couple of years terrifies me, as she just seems so far behind in a way and hasn't experienced a lot of things she should have by now. Just simple things like going out with friends to town. It just doesn't happen. Well, very occasionally. She isn't in any way street wise and it really worries me.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks very much 🙂

Most of her friends will be virgins too - whatever they claim!

Is she going to a different school for 6th form. I know so many teens who found their tribe at Sixth Firm College.

Has she ever watched The Inbetweeners? Kids who brag about their sex lives are usually bullshitting.
While some 16yo have had a kiss, ime it's not unusual to get to university age before dating for the first time. If she's at a girl's school then I'd say that was even more likely.
I'm also wondering if her friend's watched Clueless? Two characters fall out and one tells the other "You're a virgin and can't drive"

If it's any consolation, it will happen. it just takes longer. DS is autistic and felt aexactly the same way at that age. The pain was acute. So desperately longing to belong. But by 17 he was invited to parties. It took 3 more years for him to meet a girl but he now has a girlfriend. They think they'll be alone forever, but they won't.

You could invite the small friendship group over for pizza and film night, or for a small party.

Would it help to join a youth theatre, debating society or rock music group - or a special interest gaming group - something that creates quite strong bonds between the members of the group without them having to be popular or cool kids so long as you have a shared passion.

@MarieTharp Oh, I completely agree! I remember it well! I don't think she's feeling bad about being a virgin, but the fact she's never really had a boyfriend or girlfriend makes her feel very left out.

She talks about it quite matter of fact now. Like she just doesn't deserve a relationship. It's quite heart breaking actually.

She was thinking about that. Her current school has a fantastic sixth form though. It's certainly an option though.

why not have your own event that she can invite some people to, that way she will likely get some sort of invite back. Maybe a cinema visit or sleep over at your house

@lunathestral, I do actually try to organise this kind of thing and it does happen very occasionally. Takes dd a long time to ask, but as I said before, it's never reciprocated and I think it bothers her more now, so when I suggest it, she just says "maybe" and then won't ask.

Definitely encourage a different sixth form. If she hasn’t met her tribe by Year 11, then the reality is nothing will change in sixth form. There may be some new students starting but they will likely fit into a variety of different friendship groups so not a new group for your dd to befriend. Either look for a sixth form in a different school or a college. Social life and skills are just as important as academics at that age. I say this as a secondary teacher. Your dd sounds like a nice kid, just one who has a group of friends that she rubs along with but doesn’t have that deeper connection to want to spend all of their time together outside of school.

Sorry, I didn’t notice the date of your last post. I hope all is better now.