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Not invited to work Christmas do

19 replies

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/11/2022 12:16

This is just a bit of a whinge and pity-party, I don't expect anyone to make me feel better or anything, it's just come at a slightly shit time for me and made me feel rubbish.

My team at work is based mostly in London, except me and a few others who are based at other offices around the country - I'm more than 200 miles way, so I do occasionally feel slightly remote from my colleagues. About a month ago, we were discussing having a Christmas lunch in London, which wasn't ideal for me but I accepted that it's what works for the majority of people and I was looking into trains etc. Then no invitation went around, so I assumed that it wasn't happening after all.

I have now found out that there was an invitation, but that I wasn't sent it. It wasn't just to do with my location, as all the other non-London people were invited. It's a bit late now for me to make travel arrangements, because I went and put other things in my calendar on the assumption that the lunch wasn't happening!

I am sure that it was an oversight rather than a deliberate exclusion, but I'm not sure that helps, really. I feel like I'm not even significant enough for people to remember about, or notice that I wasn't on the invitation. I am struggling at the moment with depression and the meds for that (side effects which aren't much more fun than the actual depression), as well as the fact that I live alone and am always short of money, so I am sometimes having to keep the heating off to try and save on fuel. I don't know whether I should say anything to my manager or if that would be oversharing my personal life at work.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 29/11/2022 12:18

Tell them you didn't get an invitation but that you would like to go and for them to plan for one extra?

What's the worst that can happen?

Brefugee · 29/11/2022 12:20

oh sorry, didn't register you now have other plans.

What do you want to di? mention it? what's the worst that can happen?
Send them a message on the day saying have fun? do you have a chat channel? ask them to post a team photo in it?

KatherineJaneway · 29/11/2022 12:21

Bring it up with your manager as it is not acceptable to leave you out, even if it was a genuine error. It should be flagged and noted for future events.

carefulcalculator · 29/11/2022 12:23

KatherineJaneway · 29/11/2022 12:21

Bring it up with your manager as it is not acceptable to leave you out, even if it was a genuine error. It should be flagged and noted for future events.

I agree, this is very bad form from whoever arranged it, because it could be interpreted as excluding you.

kellj · 29/11/2022 12:23

If I was you I would want to know if it was just a mistake or if there was a problem.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/11/2022 13:20

kellj · 29/11/2022 12:23

If I was you I would want to know if it was just a mistake or if there was a problem.

What, in case it was deliberate and because the organiser doesn't like me? I honestly don't think that's the case. We're all middle-aged civil servants and the senior management are very big on anti-bullying stuff. We are (or should be) all too old and sensible for that sort of thing.

I don't know, I feel embarrassed about pointing it out to my manager, I don't want to make a "thing" out of it or for people to feel sorry for me. I think the organiser would probably be horrified and apologetic, fwiw.

OP posts:
ShillyShallySherbet · 29/11/2022 13:27

How did you find out that it was happening? I don’t think I could have resisted saying “oh really, I didn’t realise that was actually happening, I would have loved to join you but unfortunately I’ve made other plans…” could you drop that into conversation with someone now or has the moment passed? I think they need to know. Surely they’ll realise when you don’t RSVP

Smallinthesmoke · 29/11/2022 13:31

That is so shit.
How unmoveable are the new plans you have put in? The ideal would be if you could assume it was a silly oversight- which is the most likely explanation tbh- and rock up anyway.

Outtasteamandluck · 29/11/2022 13:33

I'd be upset too. Your feelings are valid. Don't minimise. Have a pity party if you want to.

Then...pull your big girl pants up and move on.

GCAcademic · 29/11/2022 13:33

As a manager, I would absolutely want to know about this. You should raise it with them.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 29/11/2022 13:34

That’s actually super shit I’d be upset too and not want to email like “hello…remember me?” But I’d probably be shitty when someone mentioned I wasn’t there or asked what time/food reservations and just be “I wasn’t invited”

Backtothegymgirl · 29/11/2022 13:40

I’d just say, hey no biggie but I wasn’t on invite list, get it was an oversight

i got this when I moved into my new role in current company, been there for years, they kept Excluding me, not on purpose, just the admin kept forgetting, then she got replaced, and then other new people moved over and they got invited and I was still being forgotten about. Everyone was mortified but it would happen again next time.

so eventually I kicked off, said it could be perceived as uninclusive and bullying etc. to be honest I wasn’t fussed as I knew it was an admin error, but was slightly annoyed as I kept missing meetings. Soon as I used the big emotive words it was sorted 😂

just email if you can’t go don’t, but as you know it’s just an error. Then don’t be upset. Very few people actually check invite lists.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 29/11/2022 16:15

ShillyShallySherbet · 29/11/2022 13:27

How did you find out that it was happening? I don’t think I could have resisted saying “oh really, I didn’t realise that was actually happening, I would have loved to join you but unfortunately I’ve made other plans…” could you drop that into conversation with someone now or has the moment passed? I think they need to know. Surely they’ll realise when you don’t RSVP

I was looking through my colleagues' calendars to find a time we were all free for a meeting, and it was there. I opened it up to look at the original distribution list and I wasn't on it!

I did mention it to my manager in a "by the way..." sort of capacity. I just said that I wanted him to know why I wasn't going to be there, it wasn't me being unsociable or whatever. So he knows, but hopefully it won't come across as a complaint.

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 08/12/2022 23:51

Hi OP, how are you?
Did you get a reply/ explanation from your manager?

It feels really shitty as I just had the same thing this week! 😕

Mince314s · 08/12/2022 23:59

I don't know if it helps but I accidentally did this to someone once socially. It had everything to do with me and nothing to do with them - it was literally just a total mistake and I was gutted because I actually really liked them and was looking forward to seeing them! I'm sure it's the same for you and they're probably just distracted by something or thought they'd invited you and hadn't.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 09/12/2022 08:19

@Suzi9989 my manager wasn't the one who organised it so he wasn't able to explain as such. But he wasn't especially helpful and he didn't take it forward or anything. The do has been and gone now, and other than one person asking me why I wasn't there, my absence wasn't commented on, so I think I will just be keeping myself at a polite remove from them all now. I certainly won't be discussing anything with my manager outside of work-related stuff anymore.

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 09/12/2022 12:50

Exactly how I am feeling and will be v guarded going forward. I'll try my best not to be bitter must admit it's v hurtful. Hope you have plenty of laughter this weekend!!

Outtasteamandluck · 09/12/2022 13:44

I'm so glad this thread popped up again.

I posted above and......the same has just literally happened to me.

Everyone in my building has been invited to the Christmas party except me!!!! Got to say it does sting. I haven't told the organiser but I've made it known to someone else.

Regardless of whether or not they like or wanted me to go (which how I've taken it)...it's a shitty thing to do.

Ah well. Pity party then pants up (see above).

OP Shall we have our own party? I promise to invite you.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 09/12/2022 14:38

@Suzi9989 @Outtasteamandluck sorry it's happened to you too. Yes, it is shitty, and it's perfectly fine to feel a bit put out and grumpy about it. To top it all off, I got knocked out of Whamageddon today when I went out shopping at lunchtime 😂A private party just for the left-out ones is in order, I think!

OP posts:
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