How do you comfort someone who has miscarried?

[cutiemcsweetie]

What do you say? Is there anything you can even say or do? I dont want to say the wrong thing.. Should i send something? Its a close family member and its happened multiple times before so its a real blow for her..

Just say if you want to talk about it I’m here but it’s equally ok if you do not want to. The same with anything traumatic. I had a miscarriage many years ago and some people were just utterly shit at how they dealt with it. The absolute worse was a friend who was fine, sent me flowers and was supportive until she got pregnant about three months later then she completely cut me off, almost as if I was bad luck.

I've had a loss, and have quite a dark sense of humour so tbh I'd have appreciated a card with "isn't life fucking shit sometimes" on the front or some similar sentiment.

Zero platitudes. No point (and actually hurtful) saying "it'll happen when it's mean to" or any of that.

I'd go for a simple card, with a note in acknowledging how crappy things have been and saying you are here if they want to chat - even if it's just distraction chatter.

If you are local, follow it up a week later with an offer for a nice long walk somewhere like the coast or woods and a coffee.

Agreed w PP, just let them know you’re there for them. And also if you have that kind of bond, offer to do something with them - let them know they can talk about it OR you can do something together and completely NOT talk about it, whatever is best for them.

Honestly it’s more about what NOT to say, don’t say “it wasn’t the right time” or “it’ll happen eventually” or “it’ll happen when you stop trying” or “these things happen”- you might think it’s common sense not to say things like that but those were all things that were said to me when I lost my first pregnancy early on.

Listen to them if it's needed, offer support but don't offer advice or "it'll happen when it's meant to" or "at least you have children already"

Just let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk about it.

I had a mc at 12 weeks at the beginning of the year and was ok talking about with people if they asked. Some women might not want to talk , but appreciate you acknowledging it.

Just don’t say what one of my neighbours and mil said…
”The baby was not meant to be”
”In my day, we just got in with it, I do understand though” (even though mil has never had a mc)

This is perfect.

There is no good way to react, everyone reacts differently.
I agree with previous posters who say " tell them that you are there for them and they can chat or not what ever works for them and let them make the move"

I had a late miscarriage and wasn't able to talk to anyone for ages but then happened to find out a friend was going through the same thing at about the same time.

We talked a lot, not generally about the loss that much but all sorts - we just happened to have not only similar reactions but also we're in a similar place so got each other very well. I probably talked to them more than my DH at that time but it got me past the worst of it. It made us much closer friends.
I haven't spoken to many of my other friends or family about it all just because they weren't the right people at the time.

Thank you all, really helpful 🌸