Tips on how to keep calm during toddler manic meltdowns

[Andjustlikethatihadnoclue]

I'm out my depth. Almost 4 year old DS is going through manic meltdowns where he's kicking and screaming if he doesn't get his own way, the power struggles are immense and every single thing is a battle. Today was the biggest yet where he even started pulling at my top and threw himself on the floor and tried to bite my ankle 😩
I'm struggling to keep calm myself during these outbursts.

I need some tips on how to remain calm

I wouldn’t call a nearly 4 year old a toddler.

Imagine you are cartoon character or are playing the roll of parent. The book how to talk so little children listen is good. What you describe is more on the extreme end of tantrums - is he like this at nursery?

Imagine you are cartoon character or are playing the roll of parent

I was going to say similar. Imagine you're watching a video of what's happening from a distance, or in 20 years' time. In really bad moments, imagine your DS is in a balloon that you can let go of, and it will float away (temporarily!) to somewhere out of earshot. In really, really bad moments, write "Shut up" or something swearier on the roof of your mouth with the tip of your tongue- surprisingly therapeutic.

I found it helpful to work out my triggers - noise is a huge one for me. so I got the noise reducing ear plug things. but I find earphones and music more useful, so I have earphones that have a wire between them but no wired connection to my phone. I use a clip to clip them onto my bra then when I need them, I put one or both in and press play on the earphones. it really helps.

These meltdowns are definitely getting worse. They tend to be extreme after nursery days because I think he's tired and he doesn't eat at nursery so it's all consuming. He's got his preschool review with the health visitor next week so I'll mention it then. Im out my depth at the moment

I monologue to myself to keep calm
"We aren't a shark, no biting isn't nice, do you want a cuddle or time out? I'm going to sit here, you're safe, it's ok, we don't hurt each other. Mummy isn't hurting you is she, see? No teeth don't do that they're for eating your dinner with aren't they, chompy chompy dinner let's get a big burger..." As I descend into calm madness they calm down and start telling me I'm being silly. The monologue is for my benefit really, it stops me melting down too.

Big old fashioned wooden playpen works wonders. Either you or he gets in it.

I try to ground myself. Look at something still, close my eyes, deep breath. If it's really bad, make sure she's in a safe place and walk away for a moment.

Have a strategy you will use and stick to it.

Almost script it out to yourself.

If you feel yourself getting angry / losing control, walk away.

Naming feelings can be really powerful for little ones. ‘You really want to do x, don’t you? And we can’t do that and it must feel so frustrating. I can see you are feeling so cross right now. It’s hard when we feel like that. I know you’re disappointed. It’s ok to feel like that. I’m here to give you a hug whenever you’re ready. I know you’re feeling cross AND it’s not ok to hit/bite. When you’re feeling ready we can do y.’ Etc etc

Also trying to work out triggers. I have a ds who is a totally different child when hungry - can you pick up from nursery with a substantial snack to pre-empt that? Sometimes we just have to throw food at ds from a distance and retreat…it took us ages to work that one out.

Helping him feel prepared for what is coming up too - warnings but not negotiating or letting him think he can change plans. ‘Now we’re going to do y, next we will do z’ ‘after nursery today we will do a, then we will do c.’ Forced choices can help too - ‘we need to do x and y. Which one shall we do first? We can do x or y’

Good idea to talk to the hv. Sometimes behaviours like this can be a sign of other things going on. You mention he doesn’t eat at nursery - is there a reason for that ie sensory issues or similar? It isn’t always though - some children are just more explosive than others. My ds is one - he is neurotypical but boy does he tantrum at times! He’s 8 now and we’ve come a long way from when he was really extreme - I would say mainly because we have learnt strategies to support him as parents rather than anything else.

Hang in there - you will find what works for your ds.

Oh and never, ever give in. Only makes things worse in the long term (read up on intermittent rewards).

Second the earplugs. I find the noise triggers my own fight or flight response so they help me stay in control of myself and then I can think through the situation better.
DC1 had epic tantrums from 18m through to just past 5y. She seems to have outgrown them now and is in a phase now where she can regulate much better.
To survive I had her on quite a strict schedule based around her needs. If she was tired, hungry or thirsty it would all kick off so a schedule worked really well for her. DH didn't understand my intense need to get her home by 11 for play, lunch, nap and then he witnessed the resulting meltdown. He was much more supportive of the timings after that!

Is this happening after nursery? Could you meet him with a banana/flapjack so you handle the hunger side (or rule it out) and go straight home to do something low-key, or a bit of telly (with a timer)?

All that aside, when mine did this I took myself to another room and waited until they calmed down. Certainly didn't stay within biting distance.

This is all so helpful thank you! (I'm not OP but a struggling toddler mum).

My tip is to go and have a small drink of water. I think I read it on here but it helps me reset

Following for tips too! I start every day saying this I'm going to be calm today but I get so stressed when my toddler is kicking and screaming. She throws herself backwards so leaving her alone even for a minute seems risky. I like the tip about pretending your watching a cartoon parent - I imagine Bluey's mum would handle a tantrum brilliantly!

Remove anything dangerous/unsafe and sit near him and support if it will help Ie hug or back rub. Don't ask anything of him just wait for it to finish and then comfort him. Overwhelm is frightening for children if they feel safe it will pass much quicker. You say it's happening a lot, try to figure the triggers snd try to get in there before hand and manage it. Also when he's not in meltdown try to work with him on ways to manage emotions, throwing or punching a cushion for example.

Yeah I used to do a silly voice if my children were starting to annoy me. Hard to stay angry when you have a silly voice.

I agree with trying to understand the tantrum and also naming it. They are not being 'naughty' they are overwhelmed by the strength of feeling. I used to try to name it, so similar to what @Stardewbeam said.

I found them easier to deal with once I accepted that it wasn't a reflection on me, I was doing a good job.

I agree about avoiding triggers - if hungry after nursery make sure you have a snack ready. Anything you do to avert a tantrum starting is energy well spent. Also pick your battles, do not provoke a tantrum over something that doesn't really matter, save your 'no' responses for when it really matters.

If you're in a safe place, have you tried visibly pretending to do something else like reading a book and saying "Mummy's just going to read her book, let me know when you're finished." Then ignore.

They are not being 'naughty' they are overwhelmed by the strength of feeling

I think that's true of toddlers, but not necessarily true of older NT children, some of whom are well capable of using a tantrum for dramatic effect! So your tactics as a parent have to evolve, as they get older.

Totally agree with this though: I agree about avoiding triggers - if hungry after nursery make sure you have a snack ready. Anything you do to avert a tantrum starting is energy well spent. Also pick your battles, do not provoke a tantrum over something that doesn't really matter, save your 'no' responses for when it really matters