My DD (11) is dating a girl in her class

[BroomHandledMouser]

I feel like I’ve stumbled across this and I feel awful.

I check the children’s phones once in a while, whilst I appreciate they need privacy, I also want to make sure they’re behaving and not bullying/being morons (and vice versa)

I came across lots of conversations with another girl in her class which took me back a little - only because they absolutely detested each other all the way up until year 5, so I had no idea they had grown so close.

It seems that they’re an item, and I get the impression they have kissed. Lots of ‘are we still together?’ and a lot of ‘I love yous’ etc.

I want her to know that she’s able to talk to me, but I feel that I’ve betrayed her privacy at the same time!

She’s struggled a lot with identity, and often gets mistaken for a boy. Sometimes she minds sometimes she doesn’t. I guess I just want her to know she can always ALWAYS talk to me.

I can’t really bring this up with her can I?

Does she know you look at her phone ?

They know I’ve done it in the past and know I do it on occasions, but it’s not something I announce.

If you check their phones, they have no privacy. I agree with pp, does she know you go through her phone? If she has no privacy from you, she should at least know that is the case. An illusion of privacy is a form of deceit.

All kids of that age should have their phones monitored by a parent/guardian.

Since she knows, of course you can discuss with her. Might be more helpful that you actually tell her your views on same sex sexuality and relationships instead of the “anything you want to tell me? You know you can tell me anything” approach.

How would you feel if it was a boy she was messaging?
11 is very young for this kind of thibg

You do right to monitor children's phones. In these days any other random person could get in contact with them.
You say you know of this girl, so is a real young girl? No chances of an older grooming issue?
I think I would go with a general approach, bring the concept of same sex couples, lesbians into conversation and show your positive accepting view. She will tell you when she is ready.
Now... if I had any doubts of the identity of the other person with an 11 year old, I would bring it straight away to the table, hard as it is.

That’s one opinion, yes. I never did.

Just ask her if she's dating anyone. My daughter knew she was gay from about the same age. It made no difference to me and her father.

I do look over my 12 year old's shoulder sometimes to let him know what I am monitoring his chat, or at least could, for all the reasons you state @BroomHandledMouser. I wouldn't do it if he wasn't there and didn't know about it though, that feels like an invasion of privacy. 11 does feel a bit young for a relationship, even though I know others have them at that age. I would want to talk to her about it, so I think I would confess I had looked at her phone.

"I noticed you had a text from xyz. Nice to see you've set aside your differences. What do you want for your dinner/is xyz ok for dinner"

Let her know you know without any questions or judging and move on. If she wants to come to you and open uk she will.

My 11 year old ds has a different ‘girlfriend’ every week, it seems like the whole class play swap the girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s all they ever talk about, in reality it’s all meaningless