Gaslighting/controlling

[PlateUpTheTofurkey]

DH is the more organized of us, I'm more spontaeneous. I try to do my bit with keeping us & the 2 DC (primary age) where we're supposed to be, but sometimes its a scramble when i've gotten a detail wrong and we have to course correct at last minute. Both of us work FT in fairly flexible roles

DH gets very frustrated with this - often says that despite him telling me something, I don't get it right. I feel very gaslit by this - i know when he has/hasn't told me something most of the time. However lately he's taken to going through whatsapp convos to show me where he did in fact tell me about arrangements/appointments.

I feel really attacked, like now everything we text can be used against me in a court of law. Before we used to agree to disagree on what was said, but now he's using these messages to prove when i'm wrong. He's talking about setting up a shared calendar that he wants to display on the fridge, and I feel like my life is going to be controlled by the unforgiving Calendar of Doom

This feels so controlling to me... I've never missed anything important, just had to panic a bit & rally troops at the last minute ... which isn't a big deal to me ??

That sounds like the opposite of gaslighting. You are saying that he hasn't told you - he is demonstrating that he has.

Gaslighting is altering someone's perception of reality so they question their mind. He's literally just showing you reality.

Tbh, I do this to my husband when he's being a flake about things.

For example, we agreed something regarding furniture - I got round to sorting it out this weekend, and he's annoyed that. But I pointed out that we agreed exactly that over text, and frankly I don't want to spend the rest of my life redeciding things we've already agreed

I suppose the crux of it is .... i can roll with the unexpected/mistakes/whatever without it haveing to be a big deal ... he expects me to be as organised as him, and deviation from this must be pointed out to the guily party every time

That's not what gaslighting means.

ok fair enough, this isn't the right term. i suppose what i mean is, is it right to get hung out to dry for mistakes, when they haven't had any serious consequences

It’s really annoying to have agreed how a certain day will be managed, and have the other person deny all knowledge. I am with your husband, and a shared calendar is a really sensible grown up solution when the other person has the memory of a goldfish.
Sorry OP, you sound like living with you is unnecessarily hard work.

It’s really annoying to have agreed how a certain day will be managed, and have the other person deny all knowledge. I am with your husband, and a shared calendar is a really sensible grown up solution when the other person has the memory of a goldfish.
Sorry OP, you sound like living with you is unnecessarily hard work.

I agree with all of this. If I were your husband, I would be extremely frustrated, and accusing him of gaslighting you when he in no way has done this is totally unacceptable.

You're being really unfair to your husband by accusing him of abusive behaviour, which is what gaslighting is - when he's doing the opposite.

You are gaslighting him if anything aren't you ?

I cant see how having a family calendar in the kitchen is considered controlling, surely 90% of families have this kind of thing?

He’s doing exactly what women with disorganised partners are advised on here to do.

text so you can show him
get a shared calendar

as a bonus, he’d be accused of being a useless man child who’s doing it deliberately…

euh I'm obvisouly very clearly wrong

apologies for using the term gaslighting, that was not appropriate. For what its worth I've never said that to DH

I'm feeling like I have to CYA, document everything lest I be hauled over the coals, at home as well at work now ..... and its exhausting

Could you reframe it that he's trying to help you?

You are unorganised and he has suggested a solution. If you are getting told that at work and home it's definitely a 'you' problem. Try the calendar and see how you get on

This - shared Callander on phone..ieven use with family and friends- if I organised an event I send the invite as Calander event to get into their e-diaries

also, on iPhones ( don’t know about others) you can share Reminders as a to do list

We use a family calendar - have done for at least 15 years. The old fashioned sort with nice big squares. When children were still at home each person had their own coloured pen. It ended up very pretty!
I'm totally chaotic left to my own devices but as I've got older I've developed some good strategies, and I find the peace that comes with being a bit more organised an absolute relief.

Ps ive found that knowing what I'm doing and having a bit of routine in my life creates more, not less, room for spontaneity. I wish I'd known this when the children were small!

I do this with my husband and oldest daughter, I know I probably look like a dick always wanting to be ‘right’ all of the time, but they are sometimes so vehement that we haven’t had a conversation on WhatsApp that I scroll back and screenshot and send it to them. It makes me feel like I’m going mad and I can’t settle until I know that I’ve definitely told them something. I always feel like they are the ones gaslighting me!
Don’t most families have a shared Calendar? On a Sunday we go through what everyone is doing and where they are going to be etc so I can plan meals/get the dog sorted and stuff

seems to be that this isn’t about him gaslighting,controlling, or trying to show you up. Sounds more like you’ve agreed something, forgotten and are fairly laid back about it, whereas he is very organised and it frustrates him and he can’t understand why you can’t be like him.

so, sit down and talk and set some ground rules . Start by trying to agree what you both want- someth8ng like sharing the load for organising, not dumping on each other, not arguing or whatever the frustration is between you. Tell him you’ll listen to his view first then he listens to you. Ask him why he is concerned enough to be making this an issue, listen acknowledge what he is saying. Then ask him to listen to you- tell him how you feel and the calendar of doom . Tell him why you feel like this. Then xplore thw5 together and reach a compromise. This might mean you will have ashared calander, bu5 only some types of events go in, a priority whereas you are more flexible and laid back about forgetting others and he doesn’t nag you about it.

You can’t make an organised person , laid back, or vice versa. They can learn some techniques to move someway towards the opposite stance, but their natural position won’t change. You both need to accept that and work out how you deal with each other on this . Neither of you is wrong

Get a diary and write stuff in. We have a family planner on the fridge where we all put stuff. DH uses his phone for everything but I prefer seeing it written down so he puts it on the planner for me too.

Love it! I mentioned that me and my Dh have a shared calendar and was called controlling, yet you’re being told it’s not controlling to have a shared calendar. Different day, different idea.

I’d say having a shared calendar is a great idea, I see my DH’s shifts, he sees my evening meetings/outings. With dc, I think it’s vital, nobody misses important events. I don’t see how you can remember to tell each other everything. Me and my DH communicate really well, but some weeks, I barely see him or I have 4 things on and it’s useful to have it all plotted into the calendar so we can see what’s going on month to month.

You have family commitments it's only a matter of time before you really don't make something and badly let someone down or potentially in your rushing maybe someone gets hurt. Obviously hrs having to prove it because your insisting he hasn't told you and your demonstrating others needs are not important to you. Get with it and set reminders on your phone.

You sound like a flake. Use a calendar. It will help you organise yourself.

I'm with your husband. Sorry.

Your messing up, forgetting etc. it's causing issues and he's sick of you saying you haven't been told so he's started texting you and when you try and make him think he hasn't told you he is proving you wrong

Not a fan of the gaslighting/narcissistic/abusive thing that consumes everyday disagreements these days ... but, if anyone were being gaslight it's him (as in you're trying to make him think he hasn't told you)

Calendar will work a treat and not controlling as you don't have to do anything just because it's on there