How to avoid competitive parents

[Blackmountain]

DD in Reception (5yo) is doing well, but she doesn't read fluently yet, blend/segments and knows most of the sight words. There are few kids in the class who are quite advanced and the mums are very smug and pushy and obviously want their kids to set the world on fire (don't we all want). One of them calls her daughter 'very academic' and is aiming for the top grammar school next to out primary.

I volunteered for the school once with 2 other mums and all they talked about was how advanced their kids are, how well they read and how early they started and how 'bright' they are. Fair enough, they might be.

I feel anxious every time I go to school, particularly at pick up. I'm trying to avoid some of the parents by either being the first one or the last one to collect. This is my first experience with this and I really can't stand the competition and the other nonsense that comes with it. Of course I want DD to do well. We read, we do 'homework' every day but I always stop if she's not ready for the next step.

Do kids who read early always make it to top schools? If your child is average in Reception is that a sign they are not academic? I feel ridiculous asking these questions btw.

(One of the mums told me once that she thinks her younger DD who is only 3 is not 'very academic' like the first one, just because she doesn't recognise all the letters yet and is not very fast with her answers when 'put on the spot' - whatever that means) 🙄

Oh dear. She's only 5. It sounds unfortunate you've run into all of those kinds of comments!! The best kind of learning still at this age is through play. She sounds like she's doing great and you're following her lead which ultimately benefits her emotional well-being too. Pushing a 5 year old academically or otherwise sounds ridiculous

Just don't get into it, honestly and for what it's worth my 9 year old is very academically advanced but I don't ever mention it to anyone irl and I avoid anyone who even tries to brag about their DC like that to me. When he was 5 it didn't show at all and he most certainly wasn't a very good reader at that age, it all came a bit later for him.

I think you've just met the wrong group of parents to be fair. DD could read fluently in nursery, absolutely not a stealth boast & nothing to do with me, she just could. She's always excelled academically (now in Y4) but I can't think of a single time I've mentioned it to another parent.

I don’t think you can read much into it at 5. It isn’t just about reading anyway. The brightest of my three children is probably my worst reader. Mostly because it doesn’t interest him.

Hopefully they’ll calm down! Yes very tedious I agree.

Hi OP I call that group of parents deatheaters they seem to have found each other!! Literally suck the life out of you. The way I see it, it’s about them and their insecurities. Trying not to put my judgy pants on here! But I just think you do not make me feel good. I am exhausted after being around them. I just try to avoid!

As a teacher I would say the early readers aren't necessarily the best through primary. Especially if they are put off by parents who make it all a chore and a competition. And totally agree with pp who say intelligence comes in many forms. Reading isn't the be all and end all.

Things you can tell if your child is not reading fluently by Christmas of Reception:

1. That your child is not reading fluently by Christmas of Reception
2. um, That's it

For what it's worth (my DS is 18) the high flyer in his Reception class continued to be a high flyer all the way through school getting 9s and A*s galore and is now at a top university. However, I mention her, only because she was truly remarkable and therefore memorable. I couldn't tell you what happened to the other Reception high flyers. Or indeed who else was a high, low or medium flyer in Reception. They've all gone their own ways and done their own things.

My response to most competitive parents is to nod and smile and say you're very happy with your own DC's progress.

My Mum likes to remind me that I could read before I went to school. I am not overly academic, did ok in Secondary School, didn't do A Levels or go to Uni. I am of average intelligence I'd say.

At 5 I'd be much more interested in - is my DC happy, able to get on with other children, learning to follow instructions and generally settled.

In terms of responding if it comes up, just a breezy, yes my DD is doing fine and at expected reading level. If people insist on talking at you about their phenomenal DCs, just smile and nod.

My DS is academically average, middle of the class, teachers always happy with progress and progresses as he is predicted too. However,..he is the happiest, kindest boy I have ever met (yes I am biased). Academics is such a small part of a child's whole existence.
Smile and nod....smile and nod

Oh gosh it sounds like you've been unlucky. With the exception of one rather OTT dad I can't think of any conversations I've had like this. I hope you find some more normal parents to talk to.

OP just ignore these parents. A lot of these kids start getting private tuition, at this age, and also you get really hard core parents who probably put in quite a bit of time, at home, tutoring their own kids. So often, it’s not that these kids are academically advanced or intellectually gifted, naturally, but more so that they are already are being trained to advance academically, more quickly.

Like some one said up thread, at this age they should be learning through play and fun. There’s plenty of time ahead to get serious about school work. But sadly some parents are very competitive and often it’s cringe worthy, watching them in action, boasting about their kids abilities incessantly.

It can definitely change. I can think of 4 girls in my DC's school who were average (I volunteered at school and saw what they're like in class) up until year 3 and then the parents knuckled down with tutoring, music/swimming/gymnastic lessons intensified and they got into grammar schools. They were the type of girls who didn't bother with homework, handwriting was sloppy, didn't pay attention in class, not motivated to take part in class, no interest in museums or educational activities like reading.

You just have to learn to ignore competitive mums.

I love the deatheaters description - these types definitely suck the life out you! Step far away. There must be others who are more sensible, don’t listen to this irritating nonsense!

I'm in Scotland, 5 year old is in primary 1.

None of them in the class can read fluently.

I guess in England maybe they develop that sooner as they start school younger.

Four is just so young for all that. I think you've just been unlucky coming across these types of parents.

Let them be in competition with each other if that's what they want, just don't get involved.

Mine were homeschooled until age 10 and despite our best efforts they didn't start reading fluently for pleasure until they were nine. Fast forward 15 years and they are both avid bookworms.

Ds was particularly clever, dd not so much. But, as I say fast forward 15 years and they're both well adjusted people in good jobs, good at some stuff, hopeless at others. Just like everyone else.

Don't get into it, really don't.

You just smile, nod, say “that’s really nice” and move away from them as quick as you can
you found the wrong parents there - just chat to the others, bet you there are lots that will tell you how their reception ages kid is more interested in eating the crayons and playing in puddles… because they are 4!!!!
for what’s worth, my daughter couldn’t read a full sentence until the end of P4 (ok, she’s dyslexic) - she’s now on a very academic high school, doing quite well - but at 5 she was really not into it
she did loved stories, so I read to her until she could do it for herself- I did “gently” pushed reading for fun, letting her choose the books (I read to her a lot of rubbish), when to read, what I read to her and when she tried to read by herself

Honestly I find the parents who tell every Tom, Dick and Harry how brilliant their children are don't tend to have exceptional children.

I'm sure they'd think everyone was spitting with envy and invertedly snobby or whatever else they might say to convince themselves their children are superior to other kids, but it's never about the child finding their talents because the priority is parent ego.

Thank you for your advice, very helpful. I didn't quite expect this level of competition at such an early age, it's ridiculous. Maybe I was unlucky. I've known some of these mums since DD and their kids were in Nursery and our kids had a few play dates in the past, but the pushy, competitive side didn't show until they started school. The kids ended up in the same class, which isn't great.

There was another mum (thankfully her DC is in a different class) who, when kids were at nursery, was constantly talking about her 'bright' kids and her friend's 'bright' kids who read chapter books when they started school and went on and on about it...I was dreading meeting her again. Her older child was apparently very disruptive because he was too bright and advanced and was bored. I mean, it was non stop!

We live in an area with good schools, a few top grammars and so a lot of families move here for that.

So happy to hear about your DD, well done to her!

Competitive parenting can create anxiety for the parent and also social and psychological issues for the child. I just tend to not mix with those types of parents. Competitive Parenting - good instagram post on the issue here.

It’s also really ignorant of them- it means diddly squat. The whole grammar system was put in place long before any knowledge of neurodevelopment. Those who promote it need some education, ironically 😉 Take no notice, move on and chat to normal parents!

Elder ds was an early reader, did very well at GCSE etc etc. younger ds was identified as a poor reader and poor at spellings and had extra help. He is now about to sit his GCSE’s and is on for straight A’s. We have not coached him, he just found his own path through education at his own pace. Age 5 is so young and please step away from comparisons. Is your dd kind, thoughtful and does she play well, at this age this is what matters.

mumonthehill

I had this too. My eldest took time to mature- cue lots of worry, listening to these competitive parents. He ended up outperforming in GSCEs most of those kids who scored very highly in that ridiculous 11+ exam all those years earlier. It’s ignorance and a waste of your time, listening to any of this ‘my 4 year old is so academic’nonsense.

Meh, I was very ahead on reading as a young child and everyone caught me up by secondary school. I did have a good general knowledge from my love of reading, so that was a useful legacy, but that's as far as it went.

I've created dyslexic children who've been slow to get going/ develop fluency... DS1 now has a reading age of 15 at the start of y7 which was a very pleasant surprise. DS2 has recently had his dyslexia assessment and his some of his general cognition skills are particularly high; he just struggles to read aloud with accuracy and write more than 5 legible words a minute.

The major perk to accomplished early readers is reducing the number of years listening to painful readings of Kipper, Biff and Chip. That's about it really 😉

Smile and nod, and make general comments like "I'm very pleased with X's progress".