I can't cope with my son

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He is 11, diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed adhd amongst other issues. Sometimes he's just a little shit. I see other parents who say they would not change their children for anything, I would because I'm exhausted.

he is a total nightmare. He reminds me a lot of his dad, his dad is the most self centred person you could meet, DS is the same. He also barely sees him so is not supportive at all. I am exhausted.

DS is defiant, does not do what he's told, hits me, swears at me when he doesn't get his own way, demands money all the time, plays up to sell stuff that doesn't even belong to him for 'money', steals money from my purse. He has no independence and cannot do anything for himself, constant demands, he gets up at the crack of dawn, turns the Tv up full wack, screams at me if I turn it down, demands he gets taken out all the time as he doesn't like staying in, he tells me I'm a bad mum for not giving into him, he always tells me his dad treats him better (sees him once every couple months). He gets angry and chucks things around. I'm likely to be on the spectrum too and I cannot cope with life anymore. School days are more manageable with a strict routine, but weekends and holidays it goes to shit. He has no hobbies or interests so he just mopes around bored then then annoying behaviour comes out.

he is going to put myself or my partner (stepdad) in an early grave. My younger child's life shit, thankfully he doesn't take his anger out at her but they aren't close and she misses out on a lot of things because of him and she witnesses his behaviour.

everything always has to be done on his terms. He is controlling and manipulative. I get angry sometimes but he seems to like the confrontation and just laughs.

he masks a lot at school so managed his behaviour at school.

we have no support as a family. There is nothing. He was diagnosed with asd aged 5 and we've been left to it.

That sounds horrific. What is he like when he sees his dad?

He only sees him for an hour or two every so often buy as far as I know nothing like he is at home. Makes me feel like I'm at fault because he doesn't act like this for anyone else, but my younger Dd (who also has additional needs) is the total opposite! I've tried my best with him. As well as being autistic I think he's very much got some of his dads personality and the mix of it all is too much! Not helped by being a hormonal pre teen who's just started secondary!

Could he have PDA traits as well as ASD?

If you feel that fits, PDA strategies can be really useful.

Are there any ND support groups bear to you? They can be really helpful in terms of helping you to manage plus they often make you aware of ND holiday/weekend clubs DC can go to.

I’d go with a visual timetable for the weekend/school holidays. Decide roughly what you are doing and when. Shops morning, home for lunch, cinema afternoon, home for dinner, film with hot chocolate in the evening for example. If a strict routine school days helps, this may help at weekends knowing what’s coming next etc.

I’d speak to school about the masking and what measures can be put in place to help there in order to improve behaviour at home.

He sounds really unregulated. Sensory activities (swinging, jumping on trampoline, wobble board etc) may help.

It sounds really difficult and overwhelming. I have a DC slightly older who sounds similar. It’s hard x

Does he not like playing computer games?

he does but not for long as he gets bored and his attention span is short, sounds bad but I wish he would play then for longer to keep him entertained. He has an Xbox and PC as well as an iPad. He doesn't know how lucky he is sometimes, he doesn't appreciate anything.

@MilkToastHoney I do believe he does have PDA traits and I have joined some PDA groups on Facebook. Sadly there isn't much around where I live.

we have tried visual timetables but he just screams and tries to change it to suit him. He's very controlling. For instance if I arrange to do somejting I know he enjoys and would like, I will suggest it and it will be a no, simply because I chose it and he didn't. He has the need for control and it's draining.

we have a trampoline but he's not interested half the time. We do find cycling helps him but he has no road sense and we live very rurally so it's the easiest activity to organise. Plus my Dd has a mild physical disability so sometimes being able to do the same things is hard.

I aill look into wobble boards. He's quite big for his age so worried he'll be too big. Food is an issue too. He's very demanding of what he eats. I know autism often is associated with food aversions and selective diet but he literally screams for chocolate all day.

A big issue at the weekend is that he gets Up at 5-6am, which I don't mind myself as I am up early too but the problem is that if we aren't going out until say 9am, or even 8am the moping around waiting to go out is hard. If he knows we are going out he won't do anything else but annoy us. He can't entertain himself for a few hours. He doesn't manage well staying in either! Weekends are horrific here.

we have tried visual timetables but he just screams and tries to change it to suit him. He's very controlling. For instance if I arrange to do somejting I know he enjoys and would like, I will suggest it and it will be a no, simply because I chose it and he didn't. He has the need for control and it's draining.

This is literally PDA to a tee! Often PDA is misdiagnosed as ASD.
The need for control is driven by anxiety so if you can reduce the anxiety they become less controlling/demanding.

Try to reduce demands placed on him. Instead of saying ‘get dressed, we need to go’ say ‘I’m just getting the stuff into the car’ focus on the ‘I’m’ as in what you are doing not what you need them to do. Or not saying anything and leaving them to do what they need to do can be really effective.

You may have to be creative and get him to think he’s decided an activity you want to do anyway. Leave the website open on your iPad so he can see it/a leaflet out/talk about it on the phone to a friend where he can hear.

If he likes cycling then get him doing that as routine each weekend morning. Then that sets the routine up for him and it’s something you can do early. That will really help with sensory feedback. You can just take him, younger one doesn’t need to go.

You may have to forget doing things as a family for a bit. I have other DC and we have to split up quite often as it’s too hard to meet everyone’s needs. When DC with SN is well regulated and anxiety reduced we can do things as a family. We often take DC friend as they are much better when have a friend to do activity with.

I wouldn’t have chocolate in the house then that takes away him constantly asking for it.

Sensory devices are designed for older/heavier kids so should be fine. Wobble chair/stool, spinning board, wobble board, compression mats etc are all good for regulating.

Do you claim DLA for him? If not, look into this:

Would he use a second hand exercise bike. iPad screen set to a biking video?

@MilkToastHoney thank you, he does fit with PDA, I feel things are getting worse as he gets older hitting pre teen!

we are spending more time doing separate activities at the minute, it's so hard. I find things get a lot worse at Christmas time too!

we do claim DLA 😊 I will look at the sensory things. He's had a sensory sock before and it had a very hyper effect on him rather than calming which was a nightmare!

Fab idea, thank you!

I would look into therapy for him, to process his feelings about his father, as well as for you. This isn't easy, but it's important he feels accepted by you, and it's possible he is reacting to how you view him. You compare him to his father, who you intensely dislike, which is possibly leaking out in your interactions with him.

I will look at the sensory things. He's had a sensory sock before and it had a very hyper effect on him rather than calming which was a nightmare!

Has he been assessed by an OT? Some DC find certain sensory things over stimulating rather than calming. An OT can do a sensory integration report so you know which things to avoid and which to do.

Has he just started secondary? Maybe worth having a meeting with the SENDCO and see if other things need to be put in place in school. If he’s masking at school he’ll be worse for you at home.

He sounds exhausting. I have one similar to this, but much younger, the only way I get round life is by constantly providing and illusion of choice - all options I'm happy with, but making it seem like the ball is 100% in their court.

We have to go to school and they have to brush their teeth but we often get refused tooth brushing due to the colour of the tooth brush so a full array of colours is available, the non chosen ones are hidden out of sight.

It is draining, completely draining! I wish I could offer some help but I assume hormones are now kicking into your situation too

Does PDA get worse as they enter teen years? My friends son likely has it. He's 11, will it escalate or does it get consistent? She thought it was ADHD for so long but he's exactly how you are all describing.

For my DC it’s got better.
They can stay on their own at home which has reduced the demand of having to come out - before there was no option if I needed to shop, take other DC places etc. That’s made things loads easier as they have the option to come or stay home.

Being more independent going out with friends has made things a lot easier too.

They are really well regulated too, which makes a huge difference. We have put a massive amount of effort into sensory input and making sure their sensory needs are met.

It depends on school too, a large mainstream secondary with little support will often mean behaviour deteriorates. A SN school and/or a good EHCP that meets their needs and is followed by the school will make a big difference to anxiety and behaviour.

The hardest thing I find is ME managing it well. If I am able to talk in a way that reduces triggers, make sure we have enough time to do things etc then we can have long phases of nice calm behaviour. Sometimes I don’t manage things well and that’s when it all deteriorates.

I think it’s very individual to the child too, some teens struggle with their mental health and anxiety and then PDA behaviours can become more difficult.