What is it with men using the football as an excuse?

[LanadelDoll]

Hello,

I don't feel annoyed, I feel very disappointed in my partner. It was our sons 3rd birthday yesterday and he decided to work which is fair enough in the current times. This did however mean I was on my own yesterday to give him a special day, which I did. We had a day of all his favorite things! I also have his 1 year old sister with me.

Partner said he was going to go out to watch the football, again not a major thing as our son would be in bed by half 7. Partner got home from work around half 5, had a bath then left at half 6. Said he was just going out to watch the game and would be coming straight back after as he didn't want to feel crap for today (we are taking him to a big inside theme park type place with our familes).

I messaged him at around 9pm saying could he keep an ear out for son (we sleep in separate rooms as he snores, and his room is much closer to our sons) and I also co sleep with one year old, so it means it's not all on me to get up with both children if they wake (spoiler - one year old always does!) as he felt a bit warm and had a runny nose, so I felt he may wake during the night.

At 2am I hear son calling out, I don't hear my partner so I get up and see partner is not here. I get son and message partner asking where he is - he's drunk at someone's house. Son ends up in the bed with me and one year old, I am absolutely exhausted today now.

Partner promised he would be getting up with our son today, having a breakfast 'date' with him, getting the children ready for the day as he felt bad, he wasn't with us yesterday and that he also went out and left me on my own last night to watch the game. (I enjoy football too!)

I just feel really disappointed, and I know 'but it was the England game' will be used as an excuse. Not really sure what I am asking. Just feel knackered this morning and disheartened that it is me now having the breakfast date with my son, which I really don't mind btw, but it was meant to be my partners day to spend time with him.

And yes, I have tried to wake him up. Not been successful.

How ironic to post that on this site, made me chortle !!!.

Coke head? How can anybody realistically spend £200 in the pub watching a football game?

@ThisGirlNever oh he is, a raging one at that. Not a very pleasant man at all, will use the England games as an excuse for his behaviour this month.

I just didn't expect it from my partner.

He chose to work on his son's birthday. As you say, there is a recession on so fair enough. But having chosen this why also choose to go out for the football? He knew you also like football. He knew there were family plans for today. It would have been great if he had said let's get the kids to bed and we can watch the football together. From going to work onwards, bbath and out, he has shown mo interest whatsoever in his child's birthday. It's the start of the world cup, not the semi final or something. He knew there would be other opportunities to make the football a big night . no need to make it his child's birthday. Very selfish.

Thank you - that about sums it up

What a prick. I’d be furious.

I don’t think the football is the problem, it’s the getting drunk and staying out far too late instead of prioritising his DS and you. Your DH may have a drinking problem and the football is an excuse to get drunk.

If he's spending their family savings on coke, she's almost certainly better off without him.

It’s very poor to miss the whole day of your sons birthday. He could have taken the afternoon off to do something with you all, put DS to bed and gone out for the second half of the match.

I hope he’s up and out soon OP, I’d be fuming.

And yet he’s still in bed. He behaves like this because he knows he will get away with it whilst you’re quietly seethe and show your son what he will be allowed to get away with when he’s a grown up. Time to get angry op…

I would say just this to him. You've put it so well. Sadly in my experience it's all to often true

Tbh I would just go out without him, with your families today, and when they ask where he is, tell them the whole truth.

I told him how let down I feel, not just for my sake and the fact I am knackered but for our son's sake after not seeing his dad yesterday and I now know he is going to be hungover and useless today now.

You’ve missed my point entirely.

I didn’t say there was no issue with men as a group.

I said that the OP’s issue is with this specific man and that letting him off because ‘that’s what men are like’ is a bad idea.

she should be angry at him. It being an England game does not excuse his behaviour. Just as it doesn’t excuse any of the DV issues you’ve raised.

YANBU, England games can be watched at home. Only two or probably three more, I think, but that does not excuse the behaviour.

I imagine this will be the first of many years of disappointments for your children.

He doesn’t seem to understand what’s normally expected around birthdays and puts himself first.

I imagine your luck will be out too, should your birthday or anniversary fall on a football day. If you have any more kids to him (and I wouldn’t, I’d not even be having sex with him after his lack of consideration and selfishness) you’d best be sure you time the expected due date to the off season. Or he’ll likely be too busy to be with you.

Honestly, if you want to put up with that fine, but I think you and your sister in law could do better. To selfishly take £200 of joint savings is unacceptable. These guys aren’t men. They are boys.

I didn't miss your point at all. I responded to a direct quote.

Responses like your only serve to act like the victim in these situations chose badly. Found the one solitary man acting like a twat. Rather than chose from a fairly dank, deep, dire pool of twats.

If I said sexual violence is a male crime, 99% of posters won't argue it and will admit it's a male issue.

But discuss shitty partners and posters will say no, "it's your partner" to the op. Despite that being demonstrably untrue. The statistics around work men do in the house and male behavior during football (or any major sporting even) show that actually, it's not just her husband.

This does not let him off the hook, it does however let her off the hook. Because her husband is not her job to fix.

If I say rape is a male issue it does not absolve individual men from being held responsible for sexual crimes they commit.

Your son's birthday is more important than a football game. So are you.

Your partner is no partner. He's a lazy, selfish git.

Is he usually like this?

I didn't miss your point at all. I responded to a direct quote.

which you misunderstood. Completely.

My point was that the OP should not be less angry because ‘that’s what men are like’.

no victim blaming. Or whatever you think it is.

men as a group being crap is so often used to excuse crap behaviour in individuals. Let’s be angry with the individuals for the particular ways they let us down. Not say ‘oh well my BIL and his friends are the same, so I should accept it’.

And I didn’t say she had to fix her husband.

just that she doesn’t have to see it as ok.

or worse, think that she’s got unrealistic expectations. Her expecting more of him is not the problem.

Its not a men or football issue!
Its your mans issue.
Dh would never not spend the day with dcs on their birthday. He always has the day off. But i do understand that currently people need to earn so i can understand your other half working.
But not to come home and spend the evening with him. Or keep his promise for today.
That is bang out of order.

And if he had to work because of this current climate / bringing in money for xmas. Then maybe he shouldn't have gone out 'pissing money up against a tree'

What an absolute prick. Why did he need to get blind drunk? What a waste of space.

I'm with you.

I think it's actually very important to distinguish between the men who don't behave like this and the ones who do.

When we have friend get togethers, we talk about friend stuff, and it's clear that about half the men fall into the "classic, shit man" standard. Which makes it HUGELY important to talk about the non shit ones - and see their behaviour as normal, not exemplary.

And at the same time, accept that there are natural gradations of behaviour. For example, my husband gets annoyed when his team does badly - and he's actually stopping following them. He'd rather watch random teams abroad, or non league teams, just to enjoy the sport rather than feeling grumpy.

Whereas I have to worry about whether my sister's husband is going to take it out on her.

One is a mature reaction, one isn't. Both should be talked about.

My DP is football obsessed. More than any person I've ever met. He even made me book last night off work so that he didn't have to put our son to bed. But he would never ever ever dream of missing his birthday or ruining his weekend- not even for a final. OP your poor son. Also poor you for having to pick up the pieces!

I don't know what's sadder. A father not caring about his own son's birthday, or a grown man behaving in such a way over a tournament England have no chance in hell of winning.