When you haven’t really done anything with life

[RosesAndUnicorns]

Where do you start?

I’m almost mid thirties, and I’ve done nothing but have and raise babies since I was 19. The only jobs I’ve ever had have been for friends or family so no real jobs and tbh I’m starting to feel a bit … restless.

I am feeling unfulfilled in my relationship and in my role in the family and as a Mum and I think it’s more that I’m feeling unfulfilled in myself and nothing external will ever fill that.

But the question is - wtf do I do? Where do I start? I pretty much need to completely start my life and it feels hugely overwhelming.

Has anyone ever been in this position and gone on to find their groove and their happiness?

Never underestimate the importance of bringing up children, you have a lot of skills being a mother. Cook, cleaner, organising, giving confidence to your children, working as a team with the rest of the household, you are their first teacher.
Think about what you like doing and feel you are good at and start from there., perhaps look at training courses.
You will find what you are looking for, but it can take time.

Start with your GCSE’s, did you pass English and maths ?
Did you do A levels ?

While your dch are dependent on you it's difficult. But think about what you like doing, and what sort of job you would like to do. How would you work towards getting this job? More studies? But in the meantime, would something that would get you out of the house help - dance fitness classes? Learning a language? I'm not much help, I know. I had my dch later in life and gave up my job/travelling. Now I am self-employed in the publishing industry. I enjoy it and I'm good at it, and am always learning. Outside that I read a lot, see friends. Find joy in doing small things that you like doing. Xx

When I started feeling like that I did an Ou access course and then started a degree- currently 3 years into 6 of a part time degree. It’s helped me feel that I’m not just a Mum and will give me some options once I’m no longer tied to doing school runs and being the default parent for illness etc.

Well you've got time to do anything you'd like. Prertt much anything at all (obv barring things like professional gymnast).

I'm retraining as a Dr in my 30s and kinda wish I'd already had kids as that's a worry now, so you've just done things the other way round.

What would you like to work as? What jobs have you heard about, known people to do and thought 'that sounds interesting'? Start thinking in those terms, and then narrow down/ consider practicalities/ logistics second. Then start making a plan for how to achieve what you want.

Volunteering might be a good place to start, good experience and exposure.

What qualifications do you have already?

Restlessness is a useful feeling, it'll drive you forwards.

If you’ve brought up a child to be happy and health individual I’m not sure how you can say you’ve done nothing in your life. Surely that’s the most important job anyone can do?
is it me????

And you’re skills by doing that are amazing, don’t underestimate yourself is a start for whatever you decide to do next.

Contact the national careers service for free advice- they have access to questionnaires etc which might help you think of a path.
also, volunteering to develop skills/ get a reference. Do- it.org
never too late.

Loads of people completely retrain in their mid 30s/ early 40s, and often it doesn't make a massive difference whether you've had a career you're changing from or been a sahm.

Do you have reasonable GCSEs and A levels? Could you afford to (and would you want to) do an Open University degree? If not apprenticeships are open to you, your age isn't a bar. Some big companies even have training schemes aimed specifically at women re-entering the workforce after time away from it raising children.

womenreturners.com/opportunities/govia-thameslink-railway-returner-supported-hiring-programme/ here's an example of a supported hiring programme for women who've had a career break but don't need relevant experience.

I'm in a similar position and I know a few of my friends are. I think it's quite common for women to feel this way, when they've started a family young and dedicated everything towards that. I haven't got any advice really as I'm also confused about what my future holds in regards to my next step in life but you definitely aren't alone in feeling this way.

Ah thank you all so much for the advice! I had no idea where to start so I will start by looking in the places you have advised and linked 😊

Qualification wise I have GCSE’s, fairly good ones, 9 A-C and I did a HD brow course and a nail course years ago too, but I’m not really keen to get into that industry tbh.
I just don’t know what I’m good at! I guess a childcare or some kind of caring role would be the obvious choice as with 4 DC I have plenty of transferable skills in that area but tbh I think I’m over looking after other people now.
I need to have a really good think about what I want to do I suppose. I just know I need something to change, I feel like I’m in jail some days and I’m so scared I’m going to get to old age and think I spent my life cleaning the house and doing school runs!

Perhaps talk to someone at your local fe college to see what sor5 of courses migh5 interest you? There are loads of free on line courses.

"What Colour is Your Parachute?" was a book I used in the 70s to help me decide on direction. It has been updated over the years. There is definitely a 2020 edition and may even be a 2022 edition.

I can't really remember much about it but I do remember I found it really good for ruling some things out that I thought I may be interested in and figuring out other ideas that fitted with my skills and interests.

Worth a look

I went to FE college in early 40s with three kids. Plenty of mature students and choices. Personally I did Access to Health as alway interested in medical things, still wasn't sure what career I actually wanted but you get plenty of help and guidance to decide whilst on the courses. Stop worrying your still young and plenty of time for a fulfilling career!

Why not just try and get any job that fits your life to start with then you can get work experience, confidence. You can see how that feels and move on. One step at a time .

I went to university in my mid 40s. Got a graduate role at 49. No, work doesn't define you or make you a better person but I am happy and fulfilled. Education changed my life in so many ways. It's never too late.

You sound like an amazing person!

On the 'has anyone started again' side ism in awe of 2 women I work with. Both married young, one arranged and one after accidental baby. Both had very traditional marriages with them being main carer and house keeper etc. They left partners 28/31and did a degreed/ masters then joined us with absolutely no support with the kids. Super human imo

You need a good think about what you'd like to do. If you enjoy study then working towards a degree could be a good choice. If you'd rather do something practical then vocational study would be the way to go. You mentioned caring but don't want to do it practically, how about something related like counselling, paid work in the charity sector, housekeeper/companion for an elderly person? Just ideas.

Another shout for what color is your parachute. Brilliant book updated annually.

In my late 30s/early 40s I did an Open University degree.
At 45 I did teacher training
Started teaching at 46
Having experience raising 4 children meant I had skills the newer entrants didn’t.
I’ve progressed rapid and six years later have a senior leadership position. I absolutely love my job and feel incredibly fulfilled.

You are underestimating the power of bringing up children.

I’ve just had my first baby at 48. As you can imagine, I did quite a lot pre baby. However, he is my biggest and most amazing event / achievement by far.

I wouldn’t have said so. I have a child I adore, and find parenthood interesting, but for me it’s definitely not ‘ the most important job anyone can do’, plus I don’t think it’s a good idea for any children involved for them and/or their rearing being regarded as their mother’s only source of fulfilment. I parent alongside a demanding professional job that I find fulfilling.

Get a trade. You can be self employed and the £££ make it worth it. You will always be busy.

Well, we’re all different. I had DS at 40, and while he’s fabulous, I certainly don’t feel he’s ‘my biggest and most amazing event/achievement’. He’s his own self, not my ‘achievement’ apart from anything else. The OP is bored and unfulfilled from spending her entire adult like bringing up children. She wants something else.