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Any vicars about?

12 replies

Byfleet · 25/11/2022 07:37

DM died and was cremated last month. She wants to be interred in her mother’s grave in the village she lived in before she went into a care home. It’s a village I often visited and stayed in but never lived there myself and it’s about 200 miles from me, so I have no contacts there.

The village church (and the neighbouring churches it was grouped with) have no vicar at the moment and there seems to be a question mark over whether a new one will be appointed. The church warden has agreed to the interment in the church yard and according to the funeral director who organised the cremation they would be ok with us organising our own graveside ceremony. I find this strange as I assumed that on consecrated ground you needed a minister to do this. And anyway, although I have some words planned I would like a minister to say something too.

The church warden and funeral director don’t seem to want to get involved in finding a minister. Are there people who would do this on a freelance basis? If so how would I make contact?

Another possibility is the previous vicar, who was absolutely lovely and knew my mum and I as she supported us both during the hard times before she went into a care home. She is now in a parish 60 miles away. Would it be acceptable to ask if she would do it? She always seemed to be incredibly busy as she has a child with special needs as well as all the demands of the parish. She also only actually met us twice. The rest of the contact was by phone. She left my mother’s parish about a year ago.

Any thoughts or ideas?

OP posts:
ApplePippa · 25/11/2022 08:00

(I'm not a vicar, but have vicars among my friends and family.)

I would get in touch with the previous vicar and explain the situation. You could say you would love it if she would be able do it, but understand if it's not possible, and ask if she has any contacts more local who she could put you in contact with.

I don't know when you are planning the internment for, but just bear in mind the lead up to Christmas is an incredibly busy time for clergy.

KittensNotMittens · 25/11/2022 08:05

Sorry for your loss.

I would ask. I had our old vicar do our wedding and mum had an old vicar do grandma’s funeral.

Byfleet · 25/11/2022 08:08

Thanks so much for your replies. It will be end of January so not in the busy lead up to Christmas. I should have said that It haven’t had any contact with the previous vicar fir about four years so she may not remember us.

OP posts:
TangoBrava · 25/11/2022 08:26

Ask the previous vicar.

They probably already have the measure of the unhelpful church warden, and they'll also know the funeral director. If they can't do it themselves for whatever reason, they'd still hopefully be able to help.

So sorry for your loss x

redrennies · 25/11/2022 08:36

My dad is a retired minister and many years ago, he was talking to a funeral director and discovered there's a fair few families who aren't really churchgoers but who would still like a minister to oversee the service in the crematorium or the internment, so my dad made himself available to do this on a freelance basis. It's definitely a thing. My dad didn't set a fee, just asked that his travelling expenses were covered but typically the funeral director would charge the family a flat fee and pass that on to my dad.

If I were you, I'd contact the former Vicar and offer to give her a fee/travelling expenses. I think most caring ministers would be delighted to know you have such fond memories of her from several years ago.

TangoBrava · 25/11/2022 08:43

Big difference between retired and not though @redrennies

Vicar would have to get permission to accept a personal fee.

My Dad's also retired and he still does funerals to help out, rather than be paid. I'm not sure what I think 🤷🏻‍♀️

I may ask him if he should charge, but I don't think he'd ever want to, or think it was right, for a previous parishioner. He's scathing about so many professional "celebrants" though, it's definitely worth considering.

redrennies · 25/11/2022 09:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

vicarlady · 26/11/2022 01:00

In a parish which is in vacancy, the person to contact is the Rural Dean - in some diocese the title is Area Dean. I am a Rural Dean and sort out issues like this from time to time. The churchwarden should know who that is and possibly the funeral director will too. The website of the diocese is another source of information. If I can help further then do PM me.

Byfleet · 26/11/2022 09:10

@vicarlady thank you so much for that reply. I think you are right that I should leave it to the church warden and funeral director. They seemed to be dragging their heels and suggested we just did the ceremony ourselves which surprised me as I assumed ceremonies involving opening graves in a consecrated place had to involve a minister. Anyway, since I have told them I definitely do want a minister they will have to try and find one (I have already paid the funeral director a fee for this).

It would be lovely if the previous vicar could do it OTOH I think the etiquette would be to see if anybody local can do it first. It might be odd for her to come back if she is treading on someone’s toes. I will only ask her if the church warden and funeral director can’t find anyone.
I am just getting a little impatient as I want to start inviting people, booking a room in a pub and planning the journey which will be quite long and complicated for some of the elderly people. I get the impression that the church warden is not in a hurry to do anything and the funeral director already has my money (I paid for the cremation a while ago) so he’s not rushed either.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 26/11/2022 09:14

Asking the previous vicar is fine. If there was a current one then it would be polite to speak to them first but as there isn't I'd get on and arrange it then let the church warden know.
If she was popular you may have lots of extra people coming too.

balalake · 26/11/2022 09:16

Sorry to read of your loss, others have made the suggestions I would have made and I hope something can be arranged.

TenoringBehind · 26/11/2022 09:23

It might be worth getting in touch with the Parish Council of the village in question. I work for a Parish Council and most of the organising of internments (the legal side of things - digging up consecrated ground, making sure the right person is put in exactly the right spot) is organised by us not by the church or vicar. the funeral director should lease with the parish council and the clergy. If it is a bigger Parish Council it might well have its own burials and cemeteries committee, but the clerk will be able to point you in the right direction.

this is definitely doable and quite common, it just needs the right person to take responsibility (and they probably have 1001 other things going on too).

I’m sorry for your loss,

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