Dont know what to advise DD with friendship group issues.

[Nomorebeer22]

DD is 10 and one of the youngest in her year. Has had a small group of 4 other main friends since reception.

The other 4 girls are from well off families. Houses 4x the local average cost etc. We are in a lucky position that we own our house too but obviously it's nowhere near as grand as the friends houses. The friends parents are all friends with eachother where as we are working class background and not their "sort" of people.

All that is absolutely fine obviously and it has never caused any issue. But recently it seems like the other girls have matured somewhat ahead of my DD and the bitching has started.

They have been alienating DD and saying things like "We basically live in mansions and you have a tiny house" (4 bed detached btw) "your poor" "we are getting iPhone 14 for xmas, bet your not".

It's mainly coming from one girl but the rest are joining in. She was always a bit like this but I'm just taken aback by how they have changed into such mean girls. This week they were all taking about a sleepover they were having. Said DD could also go, then laughed and said not really. Then drew a picture of DD with her name on and a massive cross through it.

Luckily my DD has said to me that she knows we are rich because it doesnt just mean money. It also means how much we all love each other and that's what's most important.

I've told her to speak to the teacher which she refuses to do ( I will be contacting the school tomorrow to let them know what's been going on) and have told her to try and play with some others instead but I've no idea what else to advise her.

Anybody navigated this before and has any advice? Thanks

Not a lot you can do really. Kids can be mean she needs to start distancing herself from them and making new friends. It may blow over it may not, just be there for her. It's really a form of bullying. I went through it at school and even when I started work fortunately I had good support from my family. Downside was I read a lot and developed solo interests and had no real friends at school, a bit of a loner. Even now I'm happy with my own company.

Can you coach your DD through how to reply/respond to them? (What does she feel in the moment? - let that come from her - and then help her with how to put that in a firm but polite way).

And see if your DD could spell out some consequences for them - eg ‘if you keep saying things like that it will be difficult to stay friends with you’.

and then exactly what you’ve already done - where to get help from teachers, and hold her hand through trying to make some new friends, and keep encouraging her if her confidence gets knocked and validate her feelings. You can’t solve it for her but you can be with her through it.

It’s a sucky situation, but this is all life skills stuff and a good opportunity to teach her to focus on what she wants in life (good feelings and lovely friends!) and how to keep herself going when there’s setbacks.

How vile. The sleepover thing is particularly unpleasant. Poor her.

If there are some “non mean” girls in the group then I might try to arrange individual things with them, separate from the nasty leader. But not if they are all joining in.

I’d also be trying to encourage other friendships- does she do out of school activities? Might there be some kids there she is friendly with?

I agree with teaching her some responses eg “Wow that sounds like all you care about is money” or “That’s a pretty mean thing to say”. But ultimately I think she’s going to need to make new friends.

Does she go to secondary next year?

Thank you for the replies.

She suffers from anxiety so clubs outside school have always been a battle. She has been doing a club for 2 years now but typically 2 of the other girls decided they wanted to start a few months ago.

Going through some responses with her is a good idea. I'm going to have a girly night and a chat with her tomorrow night. Shes not long said to me that some of the other girls in the class had been supporting her today and she hung out with them which I'm thankful for.

Feel so sorry for her as shes such a loyal and emotional soul. Just think the gap in emotional maturity is suddenly huge!

I'd let her know they're not being very good friends at the moment and that it's not good enough for her. I'd also encourage distancing between them and maybe matchmake with another, suitable school friend. Teacher might help with this. Very difficult. We had awful tears and hurt here a few years ago but ds now doesn't mention the particular child, he's a neutral classmate now and ds has his own group. Much better.

Nothing you can do I'm afraid

She'll find her tribe at secondary school

So hang on in there and everything will soon change

She needs to walk away from these girls who are not friends. My dd is 16 now and has had some horrible friends. We need to learn early that people who make you feel crap are not friends and you should stay away from them!

I would also start inviting other girls individually she's making new friends with over for tea.

Or a group of new girls to make Christmas biscuits something like that without the other 'mean girls'

Wow, that is really mean.

Take it up with school. I think it's important to stamp out bullying as soon as it arises.

Of much lesser importance I highly recommend the American Girl Smart Girl's Guide books - they give 'life advice' to tween girls and provide 'ready-made' responses to difficult social situations such as bullying or meanness, in the vein of the excellent responses already posted by a PP.

That said, it is not your DD's responsibility to deal with this situation - only that it might give her some useful tips.

@Yika thank you for the heads up about those books. I've just ordered a couple. I'm not always very good at putting things into words especially when I'm upset for her so they look like they will be great.

I will see how she gets on tomorrow and try and sort maybe a Christmas cookie making and hot chocolate afternoon with a couple of the other girls in her class as suggested. Sounds a fun idea.

Have emailed the school and asked the teacher to give me a call when she can so that they are also keeping an eye on things during the school day.

I think you’re handling this wonderfully. These girls are not her friends anymore and I agree your DD should look for better friends. The baking and hot chocolate idea is a great one. I’m glad you are contacting the school, but I would also write down everything that has happened so far and add to it anything else that happens because if it gets worse, you will need to write a letter to the Head regarding bullying.

On a side note, I think your DD is actually more mature than these girls. It’s not maturity to pick on someone and bully them, it’s just plain meanness. And your daughter saying rich isn’t just money shows she’s an old soul with wisdom beyond her years imho.

At primary school definitely intervene.. Dd was 1 of just 5 girls in her class. Teacher said she wanted to know about any bitching so she could get on top of it ASAP.

Tell her to make new friends because that lot aren't worth it. I think you should invite the girls who have been supporting your daughter round this weekend or next for their own sleepover. Id also really try to encourage her activities outside of school.

If she was a couple of years older, I'd be straight up telling her that they are nasty little bitches.

I also always say 'The only people their comments reflect is them, it's not a reflection of you.' and also 'They can't be too happy. Happy people don't treat people like that.'..