How to keep supporting friend ……….. or not.

[CanIusethisnameplease]

I have a very best friend.

we have been friends a very long time, are very close to the children and previously she has been amazing. It’s very supportive and equal (I do slightly more childcare as mine are older)

however, things haven’t been great in her marriage for a while, and a few months ago she told me she had made the decision, she’s getting plans in place to leave him.

ok , that’s fine, I’ll help , support ect . We made plans to get her on the council list, sort out any benefits, childcare ect .

there was a chance her husband would turn nasty, so I’m going to take all the kids away for the weekend when d day is .

so far so good.

anyway . For one reason or another, mainly money , she’s pushed leaving back . Fine .

this is where it get muddled.

she’s started seeing a new man . Few dog walks at first , but now she’s behaving like a teenager.

she’s head over heels . Coming home very late , hours of missing time , sacking off plans ect . plus starting to lie . Obviously she’s lying to her stb ex , but also me and her mum . Her mums rung me in tears about it so worried.

in addition, if we have plans , they are changing last minute to sneak off with him for a bit .

then she’s constantly on the phone to him on the off chance we do see each other.

which is interesting as when I message it’s often ignored atm , or not picked up if she’s off out with him , until suddenly she need childcare ect.

last week we went for a curry , and who shows up , new boyfriend. And he’s fucking awful . Gives me the absolute creeps . He’s still married as well .

im very worried her stb ex will find out and shite is really going to hit the fan .

I feel very used atm , and worried. She’s playing a stupid game.

we are ment to be going to a wreath making workshop on Saturday, but the faffing about has already started.

she’s trying to sneak in a visit to him first , leaving me to make my own way there .

im worried I’m either going to be stood up, she’s going to arrive and be attached to her phone , or he’s going to gate crash as it’s in a pub .

I don’t agree with anything she’s doing atm , I’m very worried, her mum is , but she’s acting like a teenager.

I don’t know how to support her and be there for my neice and nephews, while I’m being made to feel like an inconvenience.

obviously I want my lovely friend back , and I don’t know how to separate this horrid behaviour from her .

i know you can love someone and support someone without agreeing with everything, and she needs to make her own decisions.

realistically I know I’m going to be needed more then ever at some point soon , when all the shit hits the fan . But I also want to tell her to fuck off !

I don’t make friends easily, and I can’t imagine not being close with her .

p.s I’m also going through a horrific thing with my daughter atm , I needed her and she has been a bit flakey

Tell her you've got a lot on at the moment but if she wants to spend time just you and her let you know

I can relate - I went through a very similar situation last year with one of my closest friends.

Met a guy at work, started sneaking around, cancelling all sorts of plans we’d made. I remember once she said she couldn’t get enough of him so she spent Christmas Day at the dinner table texting him whilst her husband and children were there.

It was in that moment that I thought she was a massive knobhead.

I tried to support her, but I was also going through a really really bad time. I messaged her and asked for more support as I thought the friendship was very one sided, that I loved her and I cared about us - and that’s the last time we spoke!

She then proceeded to tell all our mutual friends what a cunt I was for not supporting her. Turns out she was not a nice person in the end.

She’s still with him by all accounts but very unhappy. Her ex husband however is loving life with a new girlfriend ❤️

Sounds dreadful and her current partner sounds like the sort that could kick off and be quite dangerous if she gets caught. I think you tried to hide that it’s actually your sister but have mentioned niece and nephew.

I did actually cut off my own sister because she had an affair for about six years. I then let her back in to my life, a lot of things happened and all I can say is she is a morally bankrupt person and with her last shenanigans the entire family cut her off.

Say to her she cannot discuss her affair or him with you at all as you do not approve. This is what happened with my sister, she just had to talk about him and one night she kept saying how wonderful he was and the kindest person ever. I said I doubt his wife would think so and WWIII erupted.

So is she your sister or your friend? Because I think that changes the answers really, much harder to walk away from your nieces and nephews than a friends kids.

Ah man, what a tough situation to be in! Because your friend/sister has been in an unhappy marriage for so long, she's probably grateful for any kind of attention (even the negative stuff from an awful man).
Have you talked to her and tried to put some boundaries in place? Tell her bluntly that she's playing a very risky game and she needs to follow through on leaving H, like immediately. You'll help her as much as you can but you're not hanging about in the wings while she messes around with this other chap. It's too scary to watch knowing the consequences could be horrific.

Chances are, once she's left, the new fella might lose interest anyway. Some people love the thrill of an illicit secret but it's not so much fun once it's all out in the open and he then had to decide whether to end his own marriage or not.

It's a really tough situation for you.

I think you have known/loved each other ling enough for you to be straight with her. Having an affair is stupid but none of your business - until it affects you, which it does if she's being flaky. Something like 'I love you and I want you to be happy but this is the third time you've stood me up/changed plans/taken me for granted and this relationship is making you behave like a dick.' She will probably be furious with you tbh bit what's the point in a friendship unless it is honest? Why should you put up with being treated badly?

If you are good friends then tell her straight that you don’t like her cheating or the fact her new man is married and that she is messing you around with your meeting up. You are not a free babysitter for her illicit shenanigans and only wanted to help with childcare when she was in genuine need whilst sorting out split from husband.

If she doesn’t like it and drops you then she wasn’t a good friend.

Thank you everyone that has replied x

I was very worried that I was overacting/ being needy.

it’s a horrible situation

Oh my goodness.

reading back what was happening three months ago is a real eye opener

we have had a turbulent few months, but now sadly it’s all ended

its for the best , and sad , but reading back I should have done it then , months ago .

probably wouldn’t have accepted it then though to be honest.

It sounds like a difficult time. I hope you are alright!

Went through an almost identical situation a few years ago - my married with kids friend was also behaving like a teenager over a lover and it was excruciating to watch and listen to.

She was going through other heavy stuff at the time which I did my best to support her through (despite having never received any such support from her) but it got to the point where she would invite herself over, talk about herself for hours and not even ask “how are you?” (I know because towards the end I specifically paid attention to see if she would ask me this). I also had difficult stuff I was dealing with at the time and she did not seem to care.
All she could talk or think about was the boyfriend.

When I was feeling really ill with Covid she even turned up under pretence of bringing me food (which I didn’t need) so she could stand at my door for 45 minutes literally crying about the on/off boyfriend while I was double masked and clinging to the doorframe desperate to crawl back into bed.

When I finally spoke up she ended the friendship. Sadly there’s no coming back from these things.

No I don’t think there is .

I have helped so much and her new home is now beautiful- I spent days wallpapering, painting and putting beds together ect .

so I am stepping back in the knowledge she has a nice safe home for her and the kids .

I just have nothing left .

it’s sad . I’m sad .

but it’s the right choice. I have blocked her everywhere, however she can still send a text in an emergency (I know . What a mug)