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Stalker?

21 replies

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:01

I want your opinions on a situation my friend is in. She lives on her own in gated flats in London and about 4 years ago she spotted a neighbour having some work done on their property by a trades person and asked if they could do some work on hers. It ended up being quite extensive, garden, kitchen, bathroom and she travels a lot so she gave him keys to work while she was away. They spent a fair bit of time picking tiles, flooring, paints etc, he drove her to the local b&q and so on. He had a girlfriend and she also helped with painting etc, so she felt quite secure in the situation.

One day, she accidentally sent him a selfie of herself, just her face nothing else and then suddenly his messages turned from work to romantic messages about how he was in love with her. She swiftly replied and said that it was an accident and not meant for him, that she was upset that felt he had crossed a line and to not contact her again. He persisted with more messages and she continued to shut him down. I think she blocked him at that point.
Unfortunately he remained quite busy with work at the same block and kept she felt uncomfortable whilst he worked at other neighbours properties. She tried to tell one of her neighbours what had happened as she felt uncomfortable and he insinuated that it was her fault for getting involved with him and wants to keep out of it.

Then on her birthday a parcel was left on her doorstep with vodka and chocolates and the worst part, an engraved picture of her in glass, a type of ornament with her picture (the selfie) and the date she sent it to him engraved on it.
By this point she freaked out of course. She continued to bump into him every now and again and he would cross the street and try to speak to her or follow her for a bit and disappear. It happened again today and she screamed at him to leave her alone. Fortunately, it was busy and he scarpered.
She is quite shaken by it all.
Sorry if I'm being naive, but is this classed as stalking? Most of the time he's working on neighbours properties or happens to see her in the street (we're not sure if that's intentional and she's being followed or just because he lives locally).
She just wants him to clear off as he gives her the creeps.
What would you do? What can she do?
I said maybe it's time to go to the police and she should speak to the other neighbours he works for and explain what has happened.

OP posts:
LushAlice · 23/11/2022 20:05

I hope she’s changed her locks.

TurkeyTrouble · 23/11/2022 20:05

Has this been going on for the last 4 years intermittently then since they first crossed paths? If it were my friend, I would be getting her to contact the police or ringing them for her on her behalf.

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:12

LushAlice · 23/11/2022 20:05

I hope she’s changed her locks.

She hasn't. She just locks it from the inside when she's home.

OP posts:
dolor · 23/11/2022 20:12

Yep that's stalking.

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:16

TurkeyTrouble · 23/11/2022 20:05

Has this been going on for the last 4 years intermittently then since they first crossed paths? If it were my friend, I would be getting her to contact the police or ringing them for her on her behalf.

Yes, it's almost 4 years now. Do you think he's a stalker?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2022 20:19

She needs to change her locks immediately. He could be entering her property when she's not home. I'd be concerned that he's planted cameras or other spy devices.

AllThatGlistensIs · 23/11/2022 20:22

I can’t believe she hasn’t changed her locks!

As others have said, he could potentially access her home

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:22

I don't know why I hadn't thought of that but yes, very good point.

OP posts:
Morethanthat · 23/11/2022 20:27

Change locks. If he’s just seeing her in the street, then nothing but if he is actively following her/turning up at her home she needs to write him a messages specifically saying she does not want him to contact her in any way - by phone, email, messages, etc. or to turn up at her property. She must be explicit. Then report to the police.

Better still, ask your friend to report to the police & they will give her good advice.

B1993 · 23/11/2022 20:37

I agree with the other posters; she needs to change her locks immediately. I'd also look into a home security system/camera so she can check he's not hanging around her flat when she's not there.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 23/11/2022 20:38

That's horrific. She should change the locks and get a Ring doorbell or similar. I would also be searching the house for devices.

EmmaLouu · 23/11/2022 20:51

Change locks, get some security (Ring is a cheap option) and open a case with the police with evidence of it continues.

I could ‘just’ be infatuation but it gets dangerous if it escalates from stalking. Plus, it’s clear your friend doesn’t feel safe and boundaries have been crossed after she’s clearly tried to set them.

RedHelenB · 23/11/2022 20:56

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:12

She hasn't. She just locks it from the inside when she's home.

Well he could get into her flat when she's out. Very silly not to change the locks

Joeandelle · 23/11/2022 21:06

Speaking from experience as a dear friend has been through the most unimaginable situation, over 8 years, she needs to:

change locks
ring camera or similar for the front and back doors
search property for devices inside the house
go to the police and file a log of all behaviour and evidence to date
go to a solicitor and ask for a cease and desist letter to be sent to him (hopefully the formality of this will deter him from acting further)
block him on everything - phone, email, socials

anything else he does after the above, she needs to document with photos and add it to the police file

follow the Victim’s Commissioner Claire Waxman - horrendous story but she is working hard to change the experience of those who are stalked

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 21:19

Joeandelle · 23/11/2022 21:06

Speaking from experience as a dear friend has been through the most unimaginable situation, over 8 years, she needs to:

change locks
ring camera or similar for the front and back doors
search property for devices inside the house
go to the police and file a log of all behaviour and evidence to date
go to a solicitor and ask for a cease and desist letter to be sent to him (hopefully the formality of this will deter him from acting further)
block him on everything - phone, email, socials

anything else he does after the above, she needs to document with photos and add it to the police file

follow the Victim’s Commissioner Claire Waxman - horrendous story but she is working hard to change the experience of those who are stalked

@Joeandelle Thank you. I appreciate the advice and will pass it on.

OP posts:
Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 21:22

RedHelenB · 23/11/2022 20:56

Well he could get into her flat when she's out. Very silly not to change the locks

I think because it's gated and she has neighbours all around she still feels quite safe. She is always travelling and staying here there and everywhere and is quite a tough cookie. I am worried though and think she needs to start taking some action. I'll pass all of the advice on to her.

OP posts:
carefulcalculator · 23/11/2022 21:36

This is stalking, she needs to stop minimising.

cakebaby · 23/11/2022 21:45

The four warning signs of stalking:

Fixated
Obsessive
Unwanted
Repeated

Fits this description ^^.

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 22:07

I've had a chat with her. She has changed the locks and has some pretty hefty bolts that she uses at night and and also when she is at home in the day.
She is buying a ring doorbell - there's a deal on at Amazon. I have one so I told her how easy it is to use - she hadn't even heard of a ring doorbell before but seems very happy with the idea.
I told her the four warning signs of stalking and she agreed that he fits the bill.
She's going to get some advice from her neighbours tomorrow who know the bloke.
That's as far as I got tonight. I didn't mention the police and possible cameras indoors. I will save that for tomorrow as I don't want to shit her up and worry her too much as bedtime. She's safe and secure tonight.
Thank you everyone for your advice

OP posts:
Judgejudysno1fan · 10/05/2024 11:05

Wow, any update? Has she managed to get away from him?

itsmylife7 · 10/05/2024 11:10

Japaneseifyouplease · 23/11/2022 20:12

She hasn't. She just locks it from the inside when she's home.

Well let's hope he doesn't have a key and decide to wait for her inside her flat.

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