I need to report this...right? Who to?

[Helpwithdilemaquick]

I'll just state the facts I definitely know, I'm so torn here.

I have a friend, she has 3 dds. Dad was abusive to her and it went through court, he was convicted, no jail time though.

She has quite bad mental health problems, understandably, and SS involvement due to the abuse the girls witnessed.

Her oldest dd wants to see her dad, he is currently seeking supervised contact.

She has told her oldest dd if she sees her dad then she will be put up for adoption.

Oldest dd has various issues due to seeing a lot of the abuse (the youngest 2 were too young to remember anything).

Friend has told the two youngest to hit the oldest on a number of occasions now, not in retaliation for a hit, just if oldest is being hyper and annoying. Imo it's rather than her smacking dd herself she's using the younger ones. The younger girls love this and repeatedly hit the older one for every tiny thing now.

She is an OK mum to the younger girls, the older daughter is treated very differently and it's heartbreaking to see. Friend won't accept criticism or advice, I'm not in any position to take the oldest more than I do for various reasons.

Oldest dd is 9, the other girls are 7 and 6.

I am quite involved in their lives and wish to remain involved to keep an eye on things, it doesn't feel right if I report behind her back then pop over for coffee though.

I don't know what to do for the best here.

op l am sorry but l would report her to SS she needs a parenting course at the very least.

You need to report to child safeguarding. If you know the name of their social worker, you can call MASH and ask to speak to them directly. The eldest daughter is being emotionally, if not physically abused by the sounds of it. This is going to cause serious issues for the younger two as well. It needs to stop.

Please report it. That little girl needs someone in her corner.

Professionals need to assess this properly, I would definitely report and they can look and what’s going on and assess themselves so it’s not just down to your judgement. I think your loyalty here has to be to the vulnerable kids not your friend.
www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse-to-local-council

If you want to be a protective presence in their lives, you have to be willing to stick your neck out and report this, as hard and heartbreaking as it is. What would you say to the eldest when she's older and she finds out you knew? If this is being done without trying to hide it from you, I dread to think what happens in secret. I'm so sorry you're in this position but you have to do something official. Good luck.

Report it

I was that child. It will get worse trust me. I had nobody who would help me but you could help this child . Please do it

You need to report this. This is abuse, emotionally and physically. Who would even tell their daughter they'd put them up for adoption?! Do the girls still have a social worker involved as that would be the first port of call to see if they could do a check in visit. Or you'll have to ring the safeguarding children bit of your council and they will deal with it.

She has a social worker. They have monthly meetings but they dont speak to the kids at all.

I know I'm the only person who sees some of this so if I report she will know its me, which would be fine if I was confident social work would do anything, but I'm not.

If I'm not popping by a few times a week there's absolutely nobody else that does so there will be noone keeping an eye or taking the oldest every couple of weeks.

Its a shit situation for all the kids, although the younger two don't realise yet.

I know she needs help, I know it's wrong, but I don't want the oldest dds lifeline to any sort of normality to be cut either.

She is absolutely being emotionally abused, the physical abuse has only just started the last month or so. The poor kid is like a different child at mine, she's relaxed, happy and a joy to be around mostly , at home she's totally different which stresses her mum out and the circle goes on.

Since SS are already involved, I don't think it will come as a shock to the Mum.

However, I would remind SS that if the Mum thinks her eldest dd has spoken up, then she could be in danger.

As each of the kids go to school, it could well be something that slips out of one of the younger children.

Don't let her know you reported her.

My Father was abusive and while my Mum made a big deal of her suffering, she was very much a partner in crime. I longed for an adult to report her and take us away.

I didn't get a childhood because of my parents.

Imo speak to school.. They will flag up a safeguarding issue.
I reported dd's friend and her dsis being hit by their dm as my dd's witnessed it . Didn't come back on me and ss visited..

Can you report to school? Maybe they can offer support to the 9 year old that will allow her to tell them herself so they can report it

Please report your concerns to ss. That poor little girl needs your help. Goodness knows what else goes on behind closed doors.

The mum gets stressed? So do we all. We don't all systematically abuse our kids. The child is in no way responsible for her mother's behaviour. The way you've worded this is concerning. Almost minimising and victim blaming. Again, ask yourself how you'll tell the kids when they're older that you knew and you didn't report it.

I'm so sorry that some of you have been in the position of these poor girls.

I know I need to report, but I know when I do the mum will know its me and I won't be there to keep an eye on them. That's my main concern. I know I help her out a lot and if she doesn't have me helping, and oldest dd doesn't have my house to come to there will be nowhere/noone around for them.

I'm not concerned about losing friend, but I am concerned that I disappear and things get worse and nobody will know.

I feel absolutely sick after witnessing what I saw today, and I've been in tears about it so I can only imagine how oldest dd feels.

What @BranstonTickle says! This 9 year old girl will grow up with severe emotional (and physical) trauma! Your friend does not sound in a suitable headspace to be raising these children.

Ring NSPCC for advice. Please do report, could you offer to have the child to stay overnight for a break?

Awful situation to be in, sometimes we all just wish these thinsg did not happen.

I never said, or insinuated, the kids are responsible, nor have I minimised or victim blamed at all.

They're going to get worse even if you're still around, if no one intervenes. That's what you need to understand. Your presence right now isn't stopping the abuse. It will escalate. What will it take for you to report? Genuine question. Where are you drawing your line?

I would speak to someone at the school in the first instance and maybe they can take the complaint from there? Or call NSPCC and tell them all your concerns so they can best advise!

She stays at mine every 2/3 weeks for a break away. All my kids are older so it's a lot more chilled here for her.

I'm sadly not in a position to have her more. I wish I could.

You said the eldest's behaviour at home stresses the mum out which continues the circle of abuse.

"at home she's totally different which stresses her mum out and the circle goes on." A direct copy & paste of your post.

At the moment I take dd a couple of times a month, maybe a little more in holidays, I tell the younger kids off, take oldest dd out of the situation, talk to her a lot when I have her, things are escalating at the moment so I guess this is where I draw the line, I know reporting means oldest dd won't have me there anymore, it's a bit of a leap of faith that social Work will actually do something, they seem to have a checklist they tick off each month and are happy with that.

I'm trying my best at the minute, and I know it's not working, it's just a horrible situation to be in, and I want to do right by the kids.

There was someone I reported a few years ago due to some worrying sexual language from their child. Social work weren't bothered, I reported different things quite a few times, and after 2 years the poor kid was taken, and she was being abused all that time.

In my head I think it's better for the kids to have someone around in the event of social work not doing anything, but I'm just so confused about it. I want to do the right thing by those kids.

I'm going to call NSPCC and I guess I'll just have to accept that I can't be there for the kids when she finds out. I feel sick at what could happen if social work don't do anything though.

OP has been quite clear that she knows this needs reporting, and that the children are being abused and that it is a very serious situation. That's the whole point of her post. She is asking who to report to and whether anyone can alleviate her concerns that the report will be dealt with properly and without making things worse for the children.

Yes, dds behaviour is, understandably, different at her home, this causes the mum to stress out, shout/say awful things/tell younger dds to hit her, which causes older dd to behave erratically and so it goes on... none of which is victim blaming or minimising, its stating facts of how it all happens.

You are literally stating that the reason the mother abuses the child is because the child makes her stressed. Do you not see how that comes across like you're saying it's the child's responsibility, that she is causing the mother to react in a certain way?

This thread is baffling. I'm out. Good luck, I sincerely hope you all go on to live happy, healthy lives. All the best.