First world problems but CoL stress making me low and parents making it worse

[Hell0G00dbye]

Things are very tight for us at the moment. We moved 2 years ago and recently had to remortgage, we didn’t anticipate this going up as much as it did when we bought so it’s costing £300 more a month. Added to extra fuel costs, childcare has gone up, food has exploded and our carefully budgeted house purchase is now too expensive.
Im frustrated as my parents at the time suggested we stretch ourselves financially, what would be just affordable would be comfortable in a year or 2 (and it would have been if not for everything that’s happened). They are boomers and made hundreds of thousands from property. We are now reallly struggling. Have cut back on most things. I was speaking to my mum today and almost ended up in tears about how stressed I am. I’ve taken on extra work but the money just gets eaten up.
She just kept saying stay positive things will work out etc. I’m so annoyed- part of the reason we stretched ourselves is because they told us to! They are very wealthy and none of the recent rises bother them at all. Pensions are almost what DH and I earn with money in the bank and massive house with no mortgage. I don’t begrudge them their lives but it seems insincere to tell me to perk up when we can barely afford the basics and things are getting worse.
Sorry for the moan but does anyone else’s parents just not get it?!

The mortgage company will have done an affordability assessment too. So are you angry at them too

with all due respect, and acknowledging hindsight is great, interest rates are STILL at or below historic averages. Just because we’ve gone through unprecedented (in 100 years) low interest rates since 2000, never meant they’d stay that way.

if your parents had told you to rob a bank to nature you gained wealth, as an adult you’d have made your own decision on that. You decided this. You listened to their views and opinions and didn’t do you’re own research well enough .

you need to own your decision. Not easy to face that. Tough lesson to learn . And a difficult time for you - but do not blame them

They could have the grace to acknowledge that their advice to stretch yourselves has gone wrong!

I do think it is a good strategy to put as much as you can afford into your property, but what you can afford should be tested against a few risk factors. ‘If you are out of work for 6 months’ ‘if interest rates double’, for example.

Be polite but direct. Tell them that encouraged by their advice you pushed yourselves to the limit and now have no contingency. And it is stressful.

I’d be more sympathetic if you weren’t blaming your parents for your decision. They “suggested” that you stretch yourself doesn’t mean they made you do it. You made you do it.

It’s difficult, times are hard. They will remain so for a while. Successive Tory governments are to blame, not your parents for “making” you buy a more expensive house than you can now afford. Don’t waste your energy blaming your parents.

Why aren't your wealthy parents helping you out . They seem tone deaf .

Because of the higher house prices now, people's mortgage payments will be higher (both in real terms and as a percentage of income) than they were as an average when interest rates were higher in the past. 5% obviously seems low compared to say 11%, but there's been a lot of analysis that suggests people will be spending similar proportions of their take home pay on housing...

we aren't struggling but definitely poor compared to my parents who are multi millionaires many times over. If we asked them for help when struggling, my dad would probably say he is destroying the family wealth by helping poorer members of the family and he was self made so why can't we do the same.

Each generation should pay for themselves etc. Different mindset.

Lol. As someone with wealthy parents, wealthy parents are the least likely to help you out. You are more likely to get help from a parent on benefits. That was the case for me. my DH's mum earns below minimum wage but we stayed with her rent free and this enabled us to buy a flat in London. My parents would probably have let me stay with them rent free but not DH so that would not have worked. MIL says if we fall on hard times, we can move back with her (she has no money to give), but for my parents, they would say that it helps us to stand on their own two feet.

People do not get wealthy by giving away money to family members who hit a rough spot. Life is unpredictable and if you gave away money to a child every time they hit a rough spot, the family would lose their wealth within one generation. My parents would want the wealth to be preserved hence i would not dream of touching their wealth. On the other hand, poor people have little to give but they tend to be more likely to give whatever they can manage (if they are good people). After all, ' there is no wealth to preserve'.

@socialmedia23

I do get that , poorer people giving you the shirt off their back but likewise I don't understand wealthy people not helping family in a time of need . Some wealth is earnt some is obtained through luck eg house price growth , gold plated pension . Most people could work out how much they could give away not effecting their quality of life .

I think the clue there was OP talking to her mum almost in tears about how stressed she was. She literally told us she's told her mum 🙄

"I don't have money" have you shouted that out loud?

also OP.

sometimes I found people not saying in a straight way.

Blaming them for decisions you made is not a good look. No one forced you to stretch.

And resenting people who have 20-25 more years into adulthood, working, saving and investing for being comfortable also is quite absurd. You sound as though you expect them to fork over some of their assets to make your life easier.

I just don't get it.....multi-millionaires parents, but not give some money to their children?

they could work it out. giving me £100k would not make a dent in my parents' standard of living. but they wouldn't because there may be many times in my life when I might need that money (bad divorce so need to buy my DH out as an example; deposit for new home etc). Its just not predictable. And if they help me, what about my sister who may expect the same. What about our cumulative children? How ccan they help me and not give the same to my sister who may not get herself into trouble? Is there a reward for getting in trouble?

On the other hand, they have paid for my university education because the way they see it, I was in my teens when i went to university and I can't keep studying indefinitely. The course was three years long and once I graduated, I was on my own. I could stay at home indefinitely of course but would be expected to give my parents an 'allowance'. I don't think my parents are so unusual tbh, my DH has an uncle who is buying himself multiple rental properties but refuses to give his children a penny (though they can live at home if they wish).

You should’ve taken proper financial advise instead of that of your parents OP. Just because they told you to stretch, didn’t mean you had to; that’s never wise. Especially with young children.

Have you told them how much you’re struggling?

I know it was still our choice to stretch ourselves- we are naive, haven’t experienced the crazy high interest rates of the past and didn’t consider that they could increase so quickly or what a seemingly small increase looks like. We will be much more cautious and savvy in future believe me!
I don’t know what to say as I don’t expect them to turn around and say oh here’s 10k to help and we wouldn’t accept it either unless the children were being seriously negatively affected. I suppose it just grates someone with a lovely life telling you to cheer up and it’ll get better- I think I just wanted someone to listen, validate my feelings, maybe give some practical advice. I don’t really know I just know I left the conversation feeling worse really.

I don’t know what to say as I don’t expect them to turn around and say oh here’s 10k to help and we wouldn’t accept it either

we’ll more fool you then

I'm not sure how this is your parents fault. You chose to stretch yourself with the mortgage, and not budget in post entail rate rises, and whilst they may have said to you why not, ultimately you and your husband made this choice. Rates were never going to stay low, this was inevitable, although the speed of the rise probably wasn't. Unless they offered to fund any shortfall, you made this decision, and resenting your parents for having a decent pension and stretching yourself seems a bit daft

I think the older generation and that's me in my 60s have seen things go up and down a few times in their life and after a while you begin to let the storm rage around you and not get sucked in. So maybe your mums advice of hang in there come from that. I noticed that with my own mum as she aged. She had seen wars/ downturns/ recession/ boom times etc and became quite immune to it all and l found it hard to understand at the time but see myself becoming like that as life goes on. And l am not a millionaire!!

There’s no rule that says you have to buy a present for everyone. Can you not say to the adults “Things are tight, we’re only buying for kids this year?”. People fall too easily into the “obligation giving” trap.

Of course it’s nice to be able give friends/relatives gifts, but not if it’s causing you financial hardship!

Well worth a read - www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/11/martin-lewis-christmas-gifts-help-or-hindrance/

I married a self employed man. His family Going back three generations 46 years ago. Seen the business swing up and down a few times. When it became apparent that covid wasn't going to be one quick lockdown. We warned all our adult children to pull in their horns because this one would resemble the 70's crash.

@Hell0G00dbye parents must have very short memories I'm sorry for her

I think your parents advice when you purchased the house was kindly meant and was based on their experience.
But no one knows the future.
But I do think they should be more sympathic and acknowledge your worries
It seems they are brushing them under the carpet possibly in a clumsy attempt to cheer you up but probably makes you feel unheard.
My mum reacted similar when I was upset and worried.
I'm sorry its tough right now, it's a genuine worry .
Our tracker mortgage has also rocketed snd all essential bills( groceries/ utility/ petrol) are rocketing too. It is difficult

Things will improve but its hard right now.

My mum.is minted and chooses not have her heating on. She told me she is getting hundreds of pounds she won't spend on col. While I'm only putting the heating on when it hits 14 degrees. It's a bit frustrating.

Ummm, no she didn't.

She said she nearly ended up in tears about how stressed she was.

From what she said in that first post, OP did not explicitly say "mum, the shit is hitting the fan and we have no cash for the mortgage".

People beat about the bush when their pride is at stake and money is concerned you know 🙄