Is this due to mental health / OCD or just them?

[meandmydogs]

I would like some perspective here and welcome all viewpoints as I'm not sure what to make of this situation.

Dsis is 45 and lives with DM. It's just the 2 of them at home as the rest of the siblings have moved out over the years and DF passed a way a few years back.

Dsis has OCD. She takes meds for this and has NHS cbt sessions on and off over the years. She works part time as working anymore gets her stressed and worsens the OCD. Any life stress worsens it.

Over the years, in my mind things have become worse in the sense of the relationship dynamic between them. DM plans her entire life around dsis. She does all the cleaning and cooking in the house. She cleans up after her, does the washing, everything. DM says she does this to keep her symptoms at bay. e.g she washes her hands often so she doesn't let dsis do the washing up so this results in dsis leaving her dirty plates etc on the table for DM to clean up etc. DM almost treats her like a young child i.e she gets worried about her if she is home 15 minutes late from work, she has the dinner ready for on time as she knows she'll be hungry when she gets in, she'll rush back home if she's out and dsis is coming home. Dsis doesn't think there's anything wrong in being treated like this and think it's 'cute' that DM cares for her so much.

DM doesn't seem to have any boundaries with her and dsis treats and speaks to her horribly. Dsis can be very volatile with the rest of us and generally is pretty difficult. She isn't like this 24/7 obviously but she does seem to have runs in with those around her. DM always seems to take on her point of view and can't seem to think for herself anymore.

It all came to ahead recently when my other dsis had a relationship breakdown and became homeless. There's plenty of space in DM's home and she refused her and her child to stay with her during this dire situation as she stated that dsis wouldn't like it and it would stress her out. I know she does have a right to refuse. Homeless dsis was extremely hurt by this. She ended up staying with us in our already crowded home before a friend gave her a spare bedroom for awhile.

I find the whole thing really frustrating and not sure what is going on with the both of them. Do they have a dysfunctional relationship or is this normal in people with mental health issues?

It sounds like they have a weird codependency dynamic but, as someone with severe MH issues and exhausting OCD I’m understanding their (DSis) side tbh.

I would get quite distressed at the thought of house guests, if people visit for a cuppa and use the bathroom I have to clean the flush, the taps, the door handle, lock, light switch etc after they’ve gone because I feel if I touch them my hands would get contaminated so having someone stay, especially with a child, would be deeply distressing.
We have a dishwasher and I do put my dishes in there but DH does wash the handwash things because my hands are so sore but I don’t leave dishes lying around, I would take them to the sink at least. Anxiety can make me snappy if I’m extra stressed and anxious. I’m aware that’s not great, believe me I hate myself and the way I am/react, but DH wouldn’t have to rush home to make sure he’s there for me.

Maybe DM, after losing your dad, is happy to have your sis home and have someone there/to take care of or, maybe she’s just learned to do things for DSis, as it’s a case of ‘anything for a quiet life’. I have a teen with autism and there are things I do automatically to avoid any distress or a meltdown, If your DSis is volatile, it’s likely your DM does all this so she doesn’t have to deal with your DSis reactions.

If I was your other DSis and in need of a place to stay I would be incredibly hurt. A horrible situation for her but your DSis with MH issues can’t help it. Help for our issues on the NHS are, ime, pretty inadequate.

@LifeOfAnxiety thanks for responding. Can I ask as an OCD sufferer how are you with your DH. You said you can get snappy and irritable when anxious which is understandable and so does dsis. However if you don't mind me asking - in your example you said that you would clean the bathroom, handles etc after you've had a guest who has used the bathroom.if the guest was your DHS friend / family would you prevent him from having them over? Would you ask your dh to do the cleaning? I'm asking as dsis would make DM clean all the "contaminated' areas and she would snap and demand this. She wouldn't care if she was ill or tired. She has a full blown meltdown and I totally get why DM does things just to keep the peace.

Probably numerous things going on. Your mother may have misguided deep seated guilt that the daughter she created is ‘imperfect’ perhaps due to something she considered ‘wrong’ during her pregnancy or just guilt that her daughter is different to others.

She may also relish being a carer, some people do thrive on it and do everything g for their adult children to appease some inner need that they are forever useful and their offspring could never manage without them even if this is not true.

Your sister may well have mental health problems but may also suffer with guilt at having everything done for her which may sound odd as she loves the care and attention but also realises it is wrong.

She turns that shame and guilty feelings into being abusive to your mother to punish her for being an enabler.

No doubt complicated stuff that a psychiatrist might be able to unravel but I think that your family have to realistically accept that this is just how they are.

I would have to clean it myself as I feel no one else would clean it well enough for me to be able to touch it.

Yes there have been times when I’ve reacted with “he/she can’t come…I can’t cope” etc etc. No one comes to our house really since lockdown. DH wanted a relative to come and stay and it made me absolutely distraught. DH was very angry and said he was inviting them, it’s his family and he wanted them here. The person -without knowing I was stressing-actually decided they weren’t coming. I cried with relief then felt guilty & sad for DH.

I have only just allowed DM to come inside my house & she has only been in twice so far since the first lockdown. I have also only just started going into her house but I have to take a flask and a packed lunch with me. I tell her it’s because I’m on a diet and it’s decaf tea I bring to save her buying any in. No clue if she believes me.

There have been things I need DH to do NOW and I’m stressing, being snappy & demanding & getting louder as I’m getting more panicked about needing it done -say for example if he’s put something down and it’s touching something else I can’t have it touch, but he needs to move it or else I would have to wash my hands again and I’ve only just dried them from the last wash or something. Maybe that’s why your sister gets demanding about your DM doing stuff. Honestly the panic is awful, it’s such a horrible feeling and totally uncontrollable

@LifeOfAnxiety thank you. It' sounds really similar to dsis. I'm sorry but do you mind if I ask you some questions. I don't know anyone else with OCD and would like to understand dsis behaviour. I don't know if it's the OCD or her personality at times. The lines get blurred.

Do you really get into something like a new hobby, new job, a change or something and then talk about it all the time to everyone giving all the details and updates with everything. Like getting a new obsession every 6m or so. Do you do this when you have relationship troubles with others e.g you've had a run in with someone and then you talk about it to everyone and keep going over it.

Dsis is really self centred not in a horrible way but she just talks about herself all the time, what she's doing, her issues etc without really asking hey how are you?. It's really bizarre.

Dsis also lacks empathy for others as feels her OCD is far worse than anything anyone is experiencing. E.g someone had a car accident with abdominal injury. She woke up in hospital with her womb removed. dsis reaction was "so what, what about me. I've got it worse'. This means she's not the best person to speak to of you wanted support / listening ear.

She can be very rude to people and sometimes cruel and thinks it's acceptable as "it's true though" and tells you that you're being sensitive if you pull her up on it. A typical example would be telling you you look fat in a particular outfit or your house is a mess or such and such kids are better at x than yours.

Do you think these behaviours / personality traits are linked to OCD?

Yes and no.
Difficult at the moment as my anxiety has been so bad the last couple of years I don’t really mix with people anymore but whenever I do anything new I do tend to be a bit obsessive and rave about it. I once went on the paleo diet and lost some weight and raved about how great it was, if someone was eating something I would be thinking “well if you had this or that instead…” and depending on the relationship I might say it out loud. if we were going out to eat I had to analyse online menus to pick a place to eat so I guess that would come across as self obsessed.

I don’t lack empathy, I feel deeply for others to the point it makes me ill. I worry about people I don’t even know, have seen in the news for example. I always ask how people are and I’ve often been in the situation where I’ve spent a 2 hour meet up listening to them and their problems whilst internally screaming ‘what about me?’. I tend not to go on about my problems because I’ve learnt that actually people don’t want to know but, if there have been any upsets or issues -someone in a shop being short with me, issue at work etc- I do go over and over and over things repeatedly, driving DH mad.

I think I can come across as rude at times, sometimes things blurt out because it’s just in my head, there are times I’ve gone over things afterwards and realised I probably shouldn’t have said that! I wouldn’t say outright that someone is fat but once my obese DN posted a big plate of food on FB for example, after already posting his lunch and a big fry up breakfast, and I commented something along the lines of ‘a weeks worth of calories in a day’ with a shocked emoji. It popped up recently and I’m horrified now that I typed that because it’s sounds so bitchy! I deleted it. I feel like I have no filter, I don’t purposely set out to say anything rude and it causes me distress when I realise I have done.

I have several younger relatives with ADHD/ASD and I recognise a lot of their behaviours in myself, I do wonder if there was more awareness when I was growing up if I would have been diagnosed but I’m not about to seek any kind of diagnosis now. So no, I don’t think my traits are linked to OCD but I know they are very common in people with ADHD and that girls especially are often diagnosed with anxiety/ocd when it could actually be ADHD.

Maybe your DSis would benefit from an assessment of some sort?