Ideas for birthday gift for difficult elderly mother

[Witheringheights83]

My mother will be turning 80 next week. She's been pretty unkind and critical to me my whole life and very cold, (pretty narcissistic), but hasn't got a clue about her behaviour and wouldn't in a million years admit it.

I've been low contact for years but keep a polite arms distance due to my DC- giving them the opportunity to have a grandparent.

For their granddads 80th my sister and I bought tea at the Ritz, but my mother is not able to travel very far away from home (London 2hrs away) now due to mobility issues. Out of obligation I feel my sister and I ought to make a similar gift gesture. I'm not out to deliberately hurt feelings and she will definitely notice and make comparisons if no gift / a smaller gift is arranged. For a quiet life I'd prefer to just get something she'll be happy with. I'm not people pleasing - I've had a lot of therapy to overcome my upbringing. I just want a quiet life.

She is spending a lot of time talking about her birthday and how it's going to work. We are going to visit her and she is cooking a meal. I did offer but she wants to cook it herself. She keeps emailing updates on the menu etc so it's definitely a big thing for her.

Anyway, under the circumstances can anyone think of a suitable present my sister and I could arrange? She can't go on trips anywhere, and she is beyond difficult when it comes to presents- won't want anything like spa treatments or pampering type stuff.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks

What about a flower subscription so she gets a delivery once a month for a year (or however long you want)?

I've not heard of that but could work! Though she might say it's wasteful and unnecessary ... who knows

Hamper from somewhere or Betty’s gift?

Well if she is that difficult, whatever you do will be wasteful/not good enough!

Does she have a garden? Something like a bench might be lovely for her to sit out when the weather is ok maybe?

Silver picture frame with suitable family picture and a plant subscription?

You can order afternoon tea to be delivered. I think Tiptree do it. How about a warm throw or a magazine subscription.

Have you got a photo of her parents or her with them or with her siblings? I often give framed photos, they seem to go down well, especially if it's one she hasn't seen for a long time.

I’m not sure what they’re called but it’s an armchair that the seat bit pushes you up when you want to stand up and get up out of the chair.

If she does, you can change the address on it and get the flowers sent to you for rest of the subscription.

Get her portrait painted - if she's a narcissist she will love it!

I have a scarily similar relationship with my difficult mother, who turns 80 next year.
I won't be going all out as whatever I get will be wrong, and criticised.

I'm planning a nice bird table with a selection of seeds and fat balls. My mother is less well than yours by the sounds of things, and spends much of her time sitting by her patio window.

Now who the fuck could pick apart a bird table as a gift, you might ask?
My mother will find a way 🙄

Does your mother like wine? If the meal is a big thing for her splash out on good wine, a paired bottle for each course and a liqueur and posh chocolate for coffee afterwards

@JockTamsonsBairns my sympathies. It's so difficult isn't it! They always find a way! My mother's gifts to me have virtually no thought put into them either. For my 40th (in June) I got regifted festive potpourri on a string.

@DelToro she specifically requested not to buy wine, as she has "nothing to celebrate"!

The best present is the one you should give yourself:
-freedom from the tyranny of desperation when trying to find the perfect present that will make mum appreciate you/acknowledge you/see you as a human being with feelings.
-accept that no matter what you get there will be some way j in n which it will fall short
-join the stately homes thread on the relationships board and see how common this ‘make your adult child dance like on a hit tin roof’ is.

NC optional but beneficial🤗💐💐

If you want something fancy, how about a Fortnum & Mason hamper? www.fortnumandmason.com/hampers/all-hampers/tea-hampers

Not that she deserves it though, from what you've said above!

Give her back the potpourri!

Also make sure you have nice wine, sounds like you and your sister will need it!

How about a subscription to a magazine or Private Eye or something?